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To tell DP that he gets a weekend lie in when he starts doing night time "duty" with DD

(61 Posts)
RainbowsFriend Sat 10-Nov-12 08:45:15

... or when she starts letting me have at least 6 hours sleep in a row.

He says it's unfair as it's not his choice he doesn't deal with her wake ups but hers - she just screams if he goes to her at night despite being perfectly acceptable during the day.

So DD is 16 months and doesn't sleep. NEVER has. Used to be no more than 2 hours in a row, sometimes now I might get 3 or if I'm lucky 4. (Not interested in advice on controlled crying etc thanks as it just doesn't work on DD)

I cosleep and generally just shove a boob in and she goes back to sleep very very quickly - but I'm still tired and one weekend day I ask DP to get up with her when she wakes properly at 7.30 so I can have a lie in until about 8.30.... The other weekend day he tends to be up early for sailing.

He works full time but has practically zero commute, and I work 4 days a week, with a small commute - but only until 2.30 on 3 of the days.

80sMum Sat 10-Nov-12 15:21:39

I agree with those that are trying to explain that your DD is conditioned to expect a bf every time she wakes in the night. I made the same mistake with my DS, who didn't sleep through a night till 36 months, and was determined not to repeat it with DD.
I realised that I had been reinforcing DS's waking by responding instantly with milk. I did whatever got him (and me) back to sleep the quickest - but it was the wrong thing to do as it just prolonged the unwanted behaviour.

StuntGirl Sat 10-Nov-12 15:33:13

How can he do night time duties when you're feeding her in the night?

That said you should both get a weekend morning for a lie in, if he chooses to go sailing on that day that's his issue. Life involves a few compromises when you have kids.

RainbowsFriend Sat 10-Nov-12 15:37:43

But I don't have an issue with cosleeping and "boobing" her back to sleep - we all get the most sleep that way! I am prepared to wait until she grows out of it rather than traumatise her again, and potentially lose her trust in me long term this time.

My issue is that we as a couple have agreed this. He is sleeping fine, but is begrudging me my one lie-in a week. And only then until 8 or 9, no later! He is "using" his lie in by going sailing and disappearing until at least lunchtime. I certainly don't go off for a morning by myself- I am either working or looking after DD. He would take her if I asked her to, and does when I need an hour or so to myself to just veg - but I don't do this every week - I don't need to!

80sMum Sat 10-Nov-12 15:41:53

Sorry OP, I was deviating from your original question.
You are definitely not being unreasonable to expect your DH to take his fair share of getting up early on weekends.

forevergreek Sat 10-Nov-12 17:11:08

im afraid you cant have things both ways:

you either
a) carry on feeding to sleep, meaning dh cant settle her.. continue continue

b)stop feeding to sleep and take 50/50 of who settles her without boob, then you both get to sleep as will self settle so the argument lie in in gone

RainbowsFriend Sat 10-Nov-12 17:13:04

I'm happy with (a) as long as I get a bit of a lie in once a week smile

It's DP - he wants us to alternate lie ins weekly when I think he is using his day to go sailing

maddening Sat 10-Nov-12 17:37:23

I am exactly like you! Ds is 21 mths and similar to your dd. We cosleep and he feeds to sleep.

Although boob is always involved sometimes he now goes to sleep with me just lying there after bf. He wakes at random times - sometimes a lot sometimes I get just a couple.

I am exhausted - Df knows this and would not dare take the lie in - nor would he compare his tiredness with mine.

I think you need a stern word and are nbu to take all the lie ins.

MistressIggi Sat 10-Nov-12 17:47:37

Although I bf ds1 till he was 2, from one year dh did night feeds, using a bottle (I had returned to work; he was at home). Worked fine for my baby - we weren't co-sleeping though. I would not/did not use cc.

MistressIggi Sat 10-Nov-12 17:48:58

Oh and your weekends should be: you do what you like till lunchtime Saturday, he does the same Sunday. Or he stops sailing.

maddening Sat 10-Nov-12 17:51:55

Ps I am thinking of trying the Dr jay Gordon method which is designed for cosleeping bf'ing babies.

Also we have moved the mattress on to his bedroom floor and are turning his cot to a bed to try and coax him in there smile I can also leave ds to sleep in the early evening and get to go downstairs Df till bedtime. Df snores too which is nice not to sleep with tbh smile

FadBook Sat 10-Nov-12 17:53:49

I love threads like this when the OP clearly states she doesn't want to do CC and she's still advised to do it hmm

YANBU. There are 2 days on a weekend, you should both have one morning each. He chooses to go sailing on his morning.

Other options are that he sends you back to bed in the afternoon of one of the days, so you can nab a few hours rest wink

(Separately rainbowsfriend (& others in a similar position) when you are ready to nightwean/or it doesn't happy naturally, we used this method: Dr Jay Gordon It is very co-sleeping/breastfeeding friendly and worked well for our family when the time was right. DD was exactly like yours OP but we did eventually reach an end point that what did work from 0-12 months, wasn't working anymore, and was affecting DP too much. I did do a diary thread under a different name at the time (PM me & i'll tell you more). DD will sleep through approx 2/7 nights and other nights it is much much better ie 5-6 hours, rather than the 90min-2 hours previously. it is opposite an alternative to CC).

SamSmalaidh Sat 10-Nov-12 18:01:15

At the weekends, you should get a morning each to do your own thing.

Saturday morning, you choose to sleep.

Sunday morning, he chooses to sail.

Whether or not the toddler sleeps through is irrelevant.

Animation Sat 10-Nov-12 18:02:28

Good job OP for insisting he does his bit and helps you to get as much sleep as he gets!

I think the issue here isn't particularly why baby wakes up but that dad does his fair share. There's no reason why a mum should get less sleep than the dad. It should be fair and equal.

Cluffyfunt Sat 10-Nov-12 18:06:01

He uses his morning off to go sailing -up to him

You want your morning off to catch up on much needed sleep -your choice (and a good one I think)

He is trying his luck to say that he gets 6 mornings off per month and you only get 2! shock shock shock

Cluffyfunt Sat 10-Nov-12 18:07:09

I'm feelin quite pissed off on your behalf op!

Your thread title is misleading. You aren't really proposing that he does any night duty.

That aside, if this is the sleep solution you've both arrived at, of course YANBU.

Dozer Sat 10-Nov-12 18:18:40

We had success with night weaning with dr jay gordon, I continued co-sleeping and bf in the day. It was painful, took 3 or 4 nights of solid crying, awful, but got her off the boob at night, and we comforted her etc.

Dozer Sat 10-Nov-12 18:22:44

Agree that DH shouldn't go sailing and expect a lie in in addition.

mummymeister Sat 10-Nov-12 18:27:49

Controlled crying does not work if you only try it for one night. it takes at least 7 - 10 days and it is horrid i agree but so is feeling exhausted all day and having a row with your partner who i suspect isnt quite as happy with the co-sleeping/go to your own room routine as you think he is. Controlled crying does work - you as the adult just have to decide that you want it to, stick with it (together,not on your own) and sort this out. what would happen if you got taken into hospital/had to go and care for a sick relative/had to go away suddenly on business. these are babies and it is about learned behaviours and rewards.

Tryharder Sat 10-Nov-12 18:31:16

This thread is about the OP's DH's refusal to pull his weight. Not whether or not the OP should do controlled crying or not.

I didn't do CC on any of my 3 and none of them were good sleepers really. I didn't have the bottle for CC and personally find it distressing. Not an option for everyone.

Agree, OP that you should get a decent lie in on Saturday. Are you going to bed early enough also?

TidyDancer England Sat 10-Nov-12 18:38:40

I don't think this is a situation that will resolve itself until your DD's sleeping/comfort is different.

You deserve a lie in each at the weekend, just that it seems you disagree on what that entails (ie whether your DH's sailing compromises his lie in).

There's no wrong or right, just a difference of opinion.

And never had to do CC myself, but as I understand it, it takes several nights minimum to get it working. You are of course free to dismiss it if you wish, but it doesn't sound like you did it for more than one night anyway so possibly there is the issue.

Just can't see you finding a middle ground on this because it's not something that IMO has one of you spectacularly in the wrong over the other.

RainbowsFriend Sat 10-Nov-12 18:54:02

I think I have made it clear that I am not prepared to put my DD through CC - she did not give up after a few hours like other I had heard, but SOLIDLY CRIED FOR & HOURS when we just decided it was morning and we all got up. It left her traumatised and really hesitant and subdued around us and is not an option.

But I have told DP that when she starts sleeping more, as I am sure she will do on her own accord OR she starts accepting him at night (we keep trying it) then I will let him have the lie in. I don't think I need as much sleep as him so am prepared to do that even if I am still doing the majority of wakenings...

I'll look into that Dr Jay Gordon suggestion - thank you smile

RainbowsFriend Sat 10-Nov-12 18:54:14

"&" = 7

AThingInYourLife Sat 10-Nov-12 18:55:31

They can only have a lie in each at the weekend if he stops sailing.

At the moment there's only one lie in available because he absents himself on the other weekend morning.

He has a bit of a cheek demanding 3 out of every 4 weekend mornings be devoted to him.

Tell him you'll alternate lie ins when he alternates weekend mornings (until lunchtime) out of the house.

The co-sleeping thing is a red herring.

Right now you each get a weekend morning.

Why on earth does he think he deserves more free time than you?

MavisG Sat 10-Nov-12 19:11:11

Agree he's using his lie in to sail. His choice. She'll grow out of the bfing on her own, it'll reduce, eventually stop. You're not making a rod for your own back, you're meeting your child's needs, good for you.

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