To wonder when equality went out of the window and to think that I AM a 'real' woman?

(68 Posts)
sillymoomoo Sat 13-Oct-12 20:31:58

Recently broke up with boyfriend, feel free to read other thread. There were loads of issues already and while I'm sad about it it's probably for the best.

But there's one thing I'm feeling particuarly wounded about and it just won't leave me, it was something that was mentioned in the past and something that has been used to attack me in text wars since.

Basically between apologies and telling me I'm missed and he knows he acts stupid. I've been told I'm not domestic enough, I didn't look after him, he needs someone who will look after him and not expect him to do washing up or help around the house, I'm not a real woman, he will find a dedicated woman. I need to learn who's boss (I think he was joking).

And although I'm sure I'm not in the wrong I find myself analysing things and even questioning friends about how much their patners do.

My now ex didn't live with me but had over the past 3.5 years been staying round my house often 4-5 times a week. The only things I ever asked him to do were, in the week either wash up after I'd cooked for us OR read ds a bedtime story. And half the time I'd say leave the washing up and do it in the morning anyway. And that's it. Weekends I might ask him to put the bins out while I bath ds or vice versa, help ds have a wash while I ironed an outfit or vice verca before going out and I honestly can't think of anything else that I asked on a regular basis. He did cook but not reguarly I'm talking every 3 weeks he might have been in charge of poaching some eggs for lunch. Actually he has hung washing on the line maybe 5-6 times in 3 years.

I keep my own house clean despite exes presence making this evermore difficult as he would open a drawer to find socks and boxers and leave drawer open and socks in a heap on the floor finding the ones he wants and other clothes spread acros the floor clean mixed with dirty. I washed all his clothes that he left and made sure he had clean stuff to wear and repeatedly folded and packed his going home bag, I offered to iron for him but he said no there's no point ironing clothes. I did other washing he'd bring stuff over for me to wash like his work overalls and even wet stuff for me to hang out.I cleaned his piss up off the toilet seat daily despite his denial that it was him and flushed the shit and piss out of the toilet that he left for me in the morning. I picked up his wet towels, cooked for him almost daily. I wouldn't have dreamed of expecting him to get a sponge and clean the bath, or get the mop or hoover out or dust anything.

On the weekends every morning I make the beds, ex would never make a bed when he got out of it, and I have a quick tidy round usually while he would switch the tv on or sit on the net.

Now thing is, I work four days a week far away and don't get in until 6 those days, I have a ds to take care of too, I try to take care of my appearance so I do like to shave my legs and do my hair and make up each day (maybe I should drop this in favour of household chores). And I also like to chill of an evening for a couple of hours too, so I'm not sure I could do anymore really.

Even my dad who my mum waits on hand and foot said that all this men and women roles is a myth and he got stuck in when us kids were little.

And worst bit is ex isn't exactly the type to get stuck in to the 'mans' jobs at the weekend either! Despite being more than capable and even if he wern't, I think to say he wasn't a 'real man' because he didn't would just be spiteful.

I'm sure he's just being an idiot about it and have told him so, but it's still dented me and made me wonder if all other women are donning their pinnys every weekend and making sure their husbands are ok.

sillymoomoo Sat 13-Oct-12 22:33:34

Mintyy, here is great for me to offload and I know I'm going to get honest opinions not say what I want to hear to make me feel better.

The thing that would annoy me also is, say I was cooking something that takes time. He wouldn't even keep ds occupied for me while I got on, or even stick the tv on for ds, he'd want to sit watching sport or take himself off to bed for a couple of hours.

sillymoomoo Sat 13-Oct-12 22:36:28

And you know, if we lived together, and was bringing in an income while I stayed at home and was a take the kids to the park at the weekend while I cooked type. I'd have done ALL not just most of the house stuff.

But by his logic he didn't want to move in until I'd proved my worth and was fully trained in my 'wife duties' as he puts it.

bagofholly Sat 13-Oct-12 22:44:32

I didn't read your other thread but I can say hand on heart, you've had a lucky escape there. Honestly. I'm trying to think of ways in which such idiocy would be tolerable. Perhaps if he was a billionaire, looked like Peter Ginn and gave you full access to his finances to enable you to hire staff to attend to his every whim. Anything less than that, and he goes into the Bad Boyfriend Bin. Forever.

Pour yourself a big glass of wine and congratulate yourself that you've sidestepped a huge world of pain, and replaced it with well, whatever the hell you like!

RubyrooUK Sat 13-Oct-12 22:47:11

He's a silly shit. A grown man making his girlfriend slog for him without doing the same for her is not attractive or sexy. You are definitely the hotter prospect.

EldritchCleavage Sat 13-Oct-12 22:49:13

I think you've overlooked your most important role in that relationship. It wasn't just to be a domestic drudge. It was to be IN THE WRONG so your idle boyfriend would always have someone to blame, never have to face unpleasant truths and never feel he had to take responsibility for anything. You're well rid.

UltraBOF Sat 13-Oct-12 22:51:57

Can I be the first to say "cocklodger"?

sillymoomoo Sat 13-Oct-12 23:08:07

Cocklodger. well if nothing else ever made me want to never speak to him again googling that did. Ugh.

glastocat Sat 13-Oct-12 23:11:15

He's a twat, you are well rid. Clock lodger indeed.

glastocat Sat 13-Oct-12 23:12:57

Cocklodger Ffs!bloody ipad

Proudnscary Sat 13-Oct-12 23:14:40

What the fuckity fuck? Why are you even asking about this?? He's an arsehole. I have absolutely no time for men like this.

bragmatic Sat 13-Oct-12 23:15:04

He sounds like a prick. Tell him you can't wait to find a real man.

Viviennemary Sat 13-Oct-12 23:18:04

When I was young I had a boyfriend. When we split up he told somebody he could never have married somebody who was untidy. This really hurt me at the time. Now I think what a lucky escape. And hope the woman he married loves doing all the dusting and polishing and running around. Don't give him another thought.

bagofholly Sat 13-Oct-12 23:18:38

Is there a part of you that secretly wonders

"What if I'd just tried harder?"

steppemum Sat 13-Oct-12 23:18:54

when I married dh, one of the things that really attracted me to him was that he was totally equal in his approach to life.

We shared all the housework, and all the cooking. If something was dirty, it genuinely wouldn't occur to him to mention it, he would either live with it, or clean it himself.

That is how it is supposed to be. 2 adults equally responsible for the space they live in.

When we had kids, we share the parenting. because dh works and I am SAHM we have now shifted how we do stuff, and I do more housework. But if I go back to work we will sort it again.

Please don't let his hurtful comment stab you. He is a dinosaur.

sillymoomoo Sat 13-Oct-12 23:37:33

Is there a part of you that secretly wonders

"What if I'd just tried harder?"

No, no, I'm hurt that he's trying to insinuate I'm some sort of slob who should be looking after her man and think he needs to come into the real world and have told him so. But at the same time it has made me question myself. But I'm quite sure I'd never have won whatever I'd have done, because like a pp said I was there to be 'in the wrong'.

If you saw my other thread you would see there are various issues and it's all just dented my self esteem. He literally showered us with gifts quite willingly but then throws it back in my face saying I use him for money and listing everything he's bought. He tells me I've never bought him anything even though there's a long list of presents I've bought him and when I point this out he says "what does it matter who's bought what?".

He's basically a headfuck and it's worked on me.

sillymoomoo Sat 13-Oct-12 23:40:43

And I know he's a headfuck because despite saying all this and various other hurtful things he's text me only an hour ago asking to see me tomorrow and saying that he's sorry for being mean, I know what he's like and he needs to change but we need to talk.

I haven't replied but I know even if I did tomorrow he'd be back to being nasty again.

Viperidae Sat 13-Oct-12 23:43:42

Don't let his fuckwittery mess with your head.

Some men will always try to justify their own position, you could have waited on him hand and foot and he'd still have tried to find fault.

justmyview Sat 13-Oct-12 23:43:59

Time to move on I think. Don't dwell on it. One positive thing from this is that when you move on to a new relationship, you'll know how important it is to hold out for someone who is more respectful / treats you as an equal.

justmyview Sat 13-Oct-12 23:44:38

No No No and again No - what's to talk about? Don't get sucked in

HappyHalloweenMotherFucker Sat 13-Oct-12 23:46:18

Tell him he has blown his last chance, and from now on you will not be engaging with his shit in any way

geegee888 Sat 13-Oct-12 23:50:42

I would be glad you've got rid of this one and get a better one pronto! He does sound rubbish! Its good to have a man that runs around after you a bit!

bagofholly Sat 13-Oct-12 23:51:34

He's not nasty, he's damaged. Terribly so by the sounds of it. Maya Angelou said that when you come out of a relationship like this, you need to let go and thank them from the bottom of your heart "because now, you know what crazy looks like, and when you see crazy you can walk the other way."

MadameCreeper Sat 13-Oct-12 23:52:58

He's a silly shit. You are banned from any further play dates with him.

No no no no no no no no.

bagofholly Sat 13-Oct-12 23:53:55

And I know he's a headfuck because despite saying all this and various other hurtful things he's text me only an hour ago asking to see me tomorrow and saying that he's sorry for being mean, I know what he's like and he needs to change but we need to talk.

Has he dropped the lottery? If no, get out. And stay out.

sillymoomoo Sun 14-Oct-12 00:02:42

No No No and again No - what's to talk about? Don't get sucked in

Who knows? Maybe he's got some washing to be done or he's horny. Maybe he wants to tell me I'm wonderful and buy me something then throw it back in my face next week, or maybe he wants to tell me how shit I am.

But I won't be seeing him. Thanks for all the supportive and some hilarious replies.

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