To wonder when equality went out of the window and to think that I AM a 'real' woman?

(68 Posts)
sillymoomoo Sat 13-Oct-12 20:31:58

Recently broke up with boyfriend, feel free to read other thread. There were loads of issues already and while I'm sad about it it's probably for the best.

But there's one thing I'm feeling particuarly wounded about and it just won't leave me, it was something that was mentioned in the past and something that has been used to attack me in text wars since.

Basically between apologies and telling me I'm missed and he knows he acts stupid. I've been told I'm not domestic enough, I didn't look after him, he needs someone who will look after him and not expect him to do washing up or help around the house, I'm not a real woman, he will find a dedicated woman. I need to learn who's boss (I think he was joking).

And although I'm sure I'm not in the wrong I find myself analysing things and even questioning friends about how much their patners do.

My now ex didn't live with me but had over the past 3.5 years been staying round my house often 4-5 times a week. The only things I ever asked him to do were, in the week either wash up after I'd cooked for us OR read ds a bedtime story. And half the time I'd say leave the washing up and do it in the morning anyway. And that's it. Weekends I might ask him to put the bins out while I bath ds or vice versa, help ds have a wash while I ironed an outfit or vice verca before going out and I honestly can't think of anything else that I asked on a regular basis. He did cook but not reguarly I'm talking every 3 weeks he might have been in charge of poaching some eggs for lunch. Actually he has hung washing on the line maybe 5-6 times in 3 years.

I keep my own house clean despite exes presence making this evermore difficult as he would open a drawer to find socks and boxers and leave drawer open and socks in a heap on the floor finding the ones he wants and other clothes spread acros the floor clean mixed with dirty. I washed all his clothes that he left and made sure he had clean stuff to wear and repeatedly folded and packed his going home bag, I offered to iron for him but he said no there's no point ironing clothes. I did other washing he'd bring stuff over for me to wash like his work overalls and even wet stuff for me to hang out.I cleaned his piss up off the toilet seat daily despite his denial that it was him and flushed the shit and piss out of the toilet that he left for me in the morning. I picked up his wet towels, cooked for him almost daily. I wouldn't have dreamed of expecting him to get a sponge and clean the bath, or get the mop or hoover out or dust anything.

On the weekends every morning I make the beds, ex would never make a bed when he got out of it, and I have a quick tidy round usually while he would switch the tv on or sit on the net.

Now thing is, I work four days a week far away and don't get in until 6 those days, I have a ds to take care of too, I try to take care of my appearance so I do like to shave my legs and do my hair and make up each day (maybe I should drop this in favour of household chores). And I also like to chill of an evening for a couple of hours too, so I'm not sure I could do anymore really.

Even my dad who my mum waits on hand and foot said that all this men and women roles is a myth and he got stuck in when us kids were little.

And worst bit is ex isn't exactly the type to get stuck in to the 'mans' jobs at the weekend either! Despite being more than capable and even if he wern't, I think to say he wasn't a 'real man' because he didn't would just be spiteful.

I'm sure he's just being an idiot about it and have told him so, but it's still dented me and made me wonder if all other women are donning their pinnys every weekend and making sure their husbands are ok.

SecretCervix Sat 13-Oct-12 20:35:10

Ignore him. Sounds like you are well shot of him. What an utter twat he is.

WorraLiberty Sat 13-Oct-12 20:36:47

Oh tell him to get back in his cave and then change your phone number.

And I'm sure if you're a MNetter then you know fine well that women aren't donning their pinnys every weekend and making sure their husbands are ok.

He's a prize tit.

JamieandtheMagicTorch Sat 13-Oct-12 20:37:12

Please do not let this wound you. I read your fourth paragraph and it screamed out DICKHEAD to me.

He does not want a partner, he wants a mother. Pity the poor woman he finds next to mother him. Honestly.

lovebunny Sat 13-Oct-12 20:39:04

ignore him, he's a prat. you did well to ltb.

WofflingOn Sat 13-Oct-12 20:39:13

No, those of us with happy relationships that have lasted a while are with real men who see it as an equal partnership. Your ex is a sexist PITA who sounds as if he wants a mail-order wife who would put up with his revolting habits.
If he was a real man who wanted a little woman to take care of him, then he should go for the whole package and insist that you don't work as he will pay for everything, fix everything around the house, deal with every big problem and keep in muscular shape so he is desirable.
My parents have a relationship split on gender lines, and it works for them, but it is a respectful and loving one.
I'm amazed you lasted 3.5 years.

cheekydevil Sat 13-Oct-12 20:39:43

If my DH did half the things your DP did for you (who didn't even live with you) I would be ecsatic!
That said, he is still a jerk

sillymoomoo Sat 13-Oct-12 20:40:38

I know, I've just really let this get to me for some reason, it's like a stab in the back. Think I've come here to get some sense shaken back into me.

WofflingOn Sat 13-Oct-12 20:42:16

Really cheeky? shock
I was assuming that the OP's ex was a sex god, because I could see bugger all reason for keeping him otherwise, he seems to do nothing.

Peevish Sat 13-Oct-12 20:45:04

Ignore - your ex is a horrifying anachronism. I've yet to question my Real Woman status, have been happy with my partner for twenty years, and we share domestic tasks and childcare.

sillymoomoo Sat 13-Oct-12 20:46:19

deal with every big problem and keep in muscular shape so he is desirable

Now that made me smirk a bit, I will say this now because we have split up and I have lost all respect for him, but he is not in muscular shape and far from it, but I did and do find him desirable and lovely despite his self loathing to the point that he won't sit with his top off at times even in front of me or go swimming with us.

But he blamed me often for his weight saying it's because I 'force' feed him pudding. Despite me telling him over and over he is gorgeous and just perfect but that if he's miserable why not come swimming or to the gym with me, but he wouldn't.

GhostShip Sat 13-Oct-12 20:46:38

What the actual fuck?! He's a nob, dont you be questioning yourself!! What exactly did he bring to the relationship?!

I sometimes think to myself, do I really do enough... then I pick DP's Vans up off the stairs for the millionth time and think YES I BLOODY WELL DO.

I don't even cook im a bad girlfriend

WofflingOn Sat 13-Oct-12 20:47:39

Nope, you have a child there, not an adult male partner.
And a petulant, lazy one at that.

BertieBotts Sat 13-Oct-12 20:52:17

His idea of a "real" woman is a domestic appliance. He is utterly utterly wrong, please do NOT allow anything he has said to taint your self esteem in any way!

Of course you're a real woman. You're not made of plastic? You exist, don't you? Typing away there in your house that exists, on Earth, not in some made up dreamland grin

A real woman is someone who has interests, hobbies, dreams, thoughts, feelings, desires. Not someone whose life revolves around serving someone else and making sure their life is perfect. That sounds like a half life to me, the total opposite of being a real person in your own right.

cheekydevil Sat 13-Oct-12 20:52:35

I won't hijack but this is nothing!
Take no notice OP I am pretty sure men must have moved on since the dark ages?

GhostShip Sat 13-Oct-12 20:58:05

cheekydevil
You think this is nothing? Do you mean compared to what you have to put up with? That is really sad sad

I think I should feel lucky, then I realise no I'm not lucky, its supposed to be this way!

IneedAsockamnesty Sat 13-Oct-12 20:59:17

sounds like a lucky escape to me.

however if anyone finds one of these ladys (or men im not sexist) who does don a pinny and sort out all domestic tasks compleatly all day every day. then let me know so i can employ them. because i currently employ 4 people to do that.

sillymoomoo Sat 13-Oct-12 21:00:34

You can hijack if you want cheeky, thing is I can put up with laziness, I know noones perfect. And you know, he did help out, not massively but plenty enough for me. And he even made me a lovely omelette once when I was sick, But it's the expectation that actually, he should do nothing and I wasn't looking after him.

And bertie you've hit the nail on the head of how it's made me feel, the way I see it I'm not here to serve anyone, in a relationship we are there to look out for eachother, and work together to get stuff (like the washing up) done so we can get on and enjoy the good stuff in life. Like my mum said if we didn't do a job each in the evening (me 3 him 1 because I'm so much quicker) I'd never sit down and then he'd be moaning that I wasn't there on the sofa with him. I only really asked him to do stuff to get it out of the way to that we could sit down or go out etc.

GhostShip Sat 13-Oct-12 21:11:00

sockreturning I wish I could copy my DP and send him out to you lovely women of mumsnet. If you could put up with his leaving of trainers EVERYWHERE, he's dead good once you get used. and he'd wear a pinny.

sillymoomoo, you aren't a silly moo, you're a normal woman who shouldn't have to be a sodding stepford wife to feel 'perfect'. and you're spot on, a relationship is about working together and it shouldnt be anybodies 'job' or 'role'. and certainly not 'serve'!

I do apologise, I've had a couple of wine and feel a bit grin

marriedinwhite Sat 13-Oct-12 21:23:29

We have a very traditional relationship and I do do most of the jobs and am in "charge" of the house and the laundry and the cooking and my dh bathed the dc very rarely when they were small even at weekends, can't cook, hates shopping, etc.. However, he was perfectly happy to pay for me to have help, has always paid every bill, has got better with the dc as they have got older, has never said any of the things your dp has said, and is generally quite appreciative. I have never minded doing it. We have been together for 23 years or so now. He also completely supported me when I went back to work and decided to take some professional qualifications.

We don't live in a show home by any standards and he has the odd moan about tidiness and I usually say - well that, that and that all belong to you so stop moaning and put it away.

AlwaysInWonder Sat 13-Oct-12 21:25:53

silly no one should ever be expected to be waited on like this. Men or women.
No woman us less of a woman if she doesn't have her pinny and a house like a showroom whilst her 'D'P does nothing at all.
No woman is less of woman if she doesn't wear make or whatever else.

However, if what he expects is a woman who will be his servant, will do all the HW, have 'perfect' appearance and be a goddess in bed, then I think you are really well rid of him. And I hope he will never find a woman like this, for her own sake

Mintyy Sat 13-Oct-12 21:29:10

Why the fuck are you even giving him a second thought or composing a whole thread on Mumsnet about him? He is an UTTER arse. You are a woman therefore you are a real woman, and don't forget it.

RubyrooUK Sat 13-Oct-12 21:35:59

No OP, you are not mad.

My DH and I do 50/50 in terms of childcare as we both work full time. He has never complained about this because he sees it as normal and right.

Even when I was on maternity leave, he did masses of housework as he thought my job was "looking after DS for us both and Christ knows how anyone can do anything around the house with a baby in their arms all day!"

Actually he does almost all dirty nappies now (blush) and gets into our two year old's bed when we wakes in the night far more than me. This is because I'm pregnant now and I breastfed DS for 16 months, getting up 8 times a night! So he thinks it's only fair that this is his turn to be woken up and kicked in the face a lot.

He's not perfect. He can be very very annoying and stubborn. I could fill a whole thread with all the small things that drive me mad. But he thinks I am equal and would never dream of making my life harder to make his easier.

So no, equality is not dead. Whether I was working, a SAHM or whatever, DH would always think I was his equal and deserved the world.

I'm not saying we don't have problems ever in our marriage but if we split up, it would not be down to him being sexist.

You won't find someone perfect, OP, but you definitely don't have to settle for someone who doesn't think you are equal.

WhenLifeGivesYouLemons Sat 13-Oct-12 22:12:41

leave the bastard

Don't let this git get in your head. You work too hard to let anyone treat you like this

HappyHalloweenMotherFucker Sat 13-Oct-12 22:15:06

Tell this pillock to fuck off and stop listening to that shit

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