to cut my dad out of my life?

[BonkeyHasGOLDMollocks]

Long history.

I don't want/need/feel a relationship with him.

I see him, I get upset.

My ds doesn't know who he is, he has a Grandad.

He has just sent me a message asking to 'see me soon' . I don't want to, its selfish but it draws up alot of emotion in me that i don't need.

Am I harsh?

Impossible to say without the back story.

No, not harsh. I cut mine out 15 years ago, when I was still in my teens.

Never had a proper relationship with him. He is, and always has been (in my lifetime) a violent alcoholic.

Life is short, fill it with lovely, positive people who enrich yours.

OK, back story (in brief)

Dad left when i was 4.
He was a alcoholic.

I met him for the first time again when I was 16. He was clean. I was the one who initiated contact. He popped over every few weeks.
Contact stopped and started, I was always the one who started it.

I stopped making the effort, I have seen him 3 times in the last 4 years. He has seen my ds 3 times. Last time was when he was 18 months. he is now 4.

He compleatly dotes on my half brothers kids and gf.

Suddenly he wants to see me now??

I live round the corner from my brother, he goes round every month or so at least to see them, never to me.

I just cba with it anymore!

i think you are right to cut him out of your life, regardless of the backstory. if it helps, do it.

daughter's dad cut all ties years ago - she's had years of happiness without him.

i've had two months with hardly any contact with my parents and i've never felt better.

Any idea how to do it without being to harsh?

Do I just ignore him when he says he wants to see me? Chances are he will say it and wont turn up anyway.

Tell him? I worry about hurting his feelings stupid I know and because he is a recovering alcoholic I don't want to give him the reason iyswim.

Gah!

Just do what's right for you and YOUR family. My 'Dad' and I had a pretty big bust up and I stormed out, which kinda made it easier to never see him again IYSWIM. Plus he lives miles away. Is your Dad close geographically?

I've never missed him, as we were never close, and I've been fortunate enough to have a great Stepdad and other another father figure who I (and my ds) dote on.

Be strong.

Hes close but not in the same town.

About 15mins drive away i reckon. He is in town regularly though.

I think I would rather have a huge bust up and walk out but I'm not confrontational at all. Plus I wuld probably get more upset.

I actually feel very calm now. I know what I want but not how to do it with minimal damage.

Just do what I did. Don't reply.

maintain radio silence and let him fade into dots.

He won;t put up any resistance, he's barely bothering now, so tbh, it will be very easy for you to just do nothing and let the relationship slide.

there is no point in confrontation, there is probably no actual reason to blow up at him, not if you rarely see him, you don't even know him to be honest.

The minimal damage is the let it fade approach. he's not really bothered about you or your son, it'll be easy.

I say this as I've been in the same boat....

I stopped bothering with my dad last year, after he snubbed my dsis and me for his 70th. Didn't contact him for 6m. He didn't contact me either. I got untold pressure from 'the family' So, saw him again at christmas, but then not again till march. Since then I have not contacted him. I didn't bother with Fathers Day, I didn't return or take any family phone calls on my birthday, nor send any cards/gifts or anything else to either my father or my sister on their birthdays that same week. (DSis a WHOLE other thread, but tbh I CBA) Turns out my entire family are crap, and I'm cutting them all one by one. 2 down, only one more to go.

No need for a row, no emails, texts, no evidence... it only upsets and gives them something to throw at you. Go silent they have NOTHING! :D

Hmm, I've got a different take on this based on my own experience. I'm an only child. My Dad was a strong character and prided himself that once anyone put his nose out of joint, that was it. He was finished with them forever.

I grew up with parents that adored and smothered me. Put me on a pedestal. The trouble with that is the disappointment was unbearable when I in their eyes 'screwed up'. I couldn't wait to save up and leave home on my own, which I did.

That's the back story. Move on to 6 years ago and I'm now diagnosed with epilepsy and I have a 3 year old daughter with learning disabilities. My parents rent a flat so they can be near me during the week to 'look after me'. I didn't ask for this and its the same old hell.

One day, DD repeatedly pats my Dad's trouser leg to get his attention (she couldn't speak at that time). Dad completely lost it and went for her. I think I let go some prem-evil maternal rage and scooped her up. The row was unbelievable and I ordered my Dad out of my house. He didn't speak to me for months. Not even over Christmas and I did try hard. He did still see the kids.

Later we found out he had lung cancer and he died a few months after being diagnosed. We didn't know he must have had the cancer when we fell out. His calcium level would have been low and would have made him more irratable. True to form, treating me like a child, I wasn't told he was termally ill until it was very obvious. Although, I'm no fool, I knew from the beginning. So I couldn't talk as openly as I would have liked.

Thankfully, I insisted I was with him in the end. Dying wasn't how my Dad had expected to be, but it was peaceful. He thought he could just decide not to wake up one morning. That's how stubborn he was.

My point is, parents are along time dead. You're afraid of being let down and hurt, I can understand that. You are also worrying that rejecting him will affect his alcholism, so you do care alittle about him. Can you be brave and give your Dad another chance.

Sorry for very long post.

I cut my dad off when I was about 18. I then saw him at my brothers funeral when I was 24 and tried to stay in touch, but it was obvious he couldn't be bothered. So I haven't seem him or spoken to him since, 12 years. It doesn't bother me. He was never much of a father anyway, my teenage years were awful because of him.

fortified completely see your pov!

I think about it all the time, my dad is in remission for testicular cancer. I was not told just expected to pick it up somehow. Tricky when I don't speak to anyone who knows my dad.
The only reason I know is from his fb posts about 'getting better' .

I honestly don't think he has anymore than a few years left his liver is also fucked from the drinking but I just don't think I can honestly keep thinking we can have a relationship when obviously we can't.

In a selfish way, i want him to be the parent and think 'thats my daughter, I need to be the adult here and make the effort, its not her fault' .
I do care, but I can't ever forgive some of the stuff he has done, I honestly don't think there is anything to work on, even if there is it needs a hell of a lot more than I think either of us is willing to give.

God, I sound awful :(

Obviously I don't know why you don't want to see him, but it is not selfish. It's what you feel and you have reasons for feeling that way.

It's only harsh and selfish to cut contact if the other person has been caring and nurturing in sharing their unconditional love. I'd be willing to bet not many good and decent parents get cut off.

YANBU

If he's had a brush with his own mortality, and STILL cba to pop in when he sees goldenboy, why would you contort yourself in knots for him?

Chasing someone who's not there, and never has been is completely different from a feast or famine parent.

What you want from him is the same as everyone else wants. You're asking for him to buck everything he's ever been, break a mould, change the only way he knows.

Why would he do that? He's put everything in his life before you, alcohol, yout brother and anything else he can.

Protecting yourself and your dc is not selfish. It means you're a good parent.

I know thats shitty, but I've spent 20+ years chasing my Dad 's approval, endured his snipey remarks, put downs and sly criticisms, its not going to change now is it?

I'm biased - I haven't spoken to my father for over 11 years. Unfortunately, my (maternal) DGP's do, so he knew I was expecting DD.

When DD ended up being transferred to another hospital after birth for SCBU, I was evil when I was told that he'd called the hospital she'd been transferred to and was abusive over the phone to them because they wouldn't give him any information. It appears that he must have had a friend in the original hospital (know he was a volunteer driver until recently) as we found out he'd received an email from someone giving him details of DD's birth and where she'd been tranferred to - he wouldn't give up the name because "they'd get into trouble" (main reason I don't believe it was DGP's). I did not need that shit when I was worried about if my DD was going to make it or if she might have been brain damaged (fortunately, it seems we're one of the lucky ones).

It's difficult to cut someone out of your life when you already did it over a decade ago.

Thanks all.
Some :( stories.

I haven't slept well. It still gets to me when I shouldn't let it.

I almost wish I hadn't asked to meet him at 16, but I needed questions answering andif I hadn't have done that then I woold .never have known about my brother.

Im just going.to ignore and hope he gets the message. Any message I have sent have been very matter for fact.
Gah ! I feel so harsh, but i spose needs must

I haven't seen my dad for 14 years. He doesn't know I'm married or that I have a DS (and that he has 3 other grandchildren from my brothers). My life is definitely easier and happier without the continual heartache of him dipping in and out of it, but I do feel sad that I have no idea where he lives or how he is and that he will probably never meet his grandchildren. I would love to have some kind of an ongoing relationship with him, even if it's just the ability to send Christmas/birthday cards. The thought of him dying without me seeing him again fills me with dread and guilt that I haven't made an effort to make contact (albeit neither has he).

So, I would say that yes, life can be better if you cut ties with a toxic parent, but please think very carefully of how you might be affected in the future if something were to happen to yours.

It's certainly an option for you. Or maybe don't do the irregular contact thing, but just tell him you will send a Xmas card each year or have one yearly date when you meet.

I gave up on my dad nearly 10 years ago. He never was much good. He was in the Navy and would not come home when he was on leave, he was too busy with other women.

He finally left my mum when I was 11. He got in touch when I was 13. We did see him for a while but that soon stopped. I tried to keep in touch. I made all the effort.

I went to visit my Nanna(his mum) when I rang him and told me she had cancer and would not live long. She died shortly after and he didn't tell me till I rang him after the funeral had taken place. He told me I should have rung him!

I pointed out that in our relationship he was meant to be the parent, but he had never been very good at that.

He had told his mum and sister that my mum would not allow contact with them. A total lie. He had also told them that mum had thrown him out, again, a lie.

I am very close to his sister but will never speak to him again.