Mumsnet Talk

My Dmum is nearly 80, Ddad passed away a few yrs ago, she has arthritis but is still v young in mind, just struggles pushing hoover round... After dad died i did housework but when i fell pregnant, as previous recurring miscarriages, my friends teenage son started gardening and hoovering for pocket money and has ever since, however now he's 17, its understandably lapsed, i suggested an age concern recommended gardener, and said id hoover and stuff as my Dd now a toddler. We are ttc another baby and did say if i fall pg again then maybe get a cleaner in, but that's prob a while off.. I love dmum dearly and fiercely protective, am only family for her, half sis miles away & visits rarely. I've a great relationship with mum, she comes round most wks for dinner, we take her one or two dinners a wk as well, and do all her shopping, she also absolutely dotes on our Dd...

So my AIBU is that the other day In laws kindly went to mums to help set up new telly, they have good relationship and get on well. While there, mum mentioned to MIL about getting gardener / cleaner, and MIL said she would hoover and mop floor for my mum once a wk.. This is obviously a kind offer, MIL has been a carer/cleaner and is always happy to help, however i feel a little uncomfortable that its my mum, and it should be me looking after her.. Dmum is really happy about it and looking forward to it and chats and cups of tea ect. I just feel a bit wierd about Mil being her paid cleaner as well, also hoping Mil or anyone else isn't going to be secretly thinking i should be doing it, as id actually much prefer too, but it seems to have all been decided... Haven't spoke to mil yet, dmum round for the day soon....?!?!?!

Please don't be really harsh with me ladies

YABU - sorry!!!!

Look at this like this, there is someone who can help your mum out whom you know and trust...I would much rather have that than worry about a stranger being round there.

It must feel awkward for you, I can understand that, but to be honest it sounds like a really good arrangement.

How lovely that they get along so well, and how nice for your children to have two grannies who get along. It sounds like an ideal, if unusual, solution and it doesn't sound like anyone (except you) thinks that you should be doing it. Maybe you're being a bit hard on yourself.

Relax, enjoy that they will have a nice time, and watch out for them ganging up on you!

Sounds like a great set up, why not talk over your worries with mil

Sounds like a great idea, a chance for some similar age company for your mum.

I cant understand why you are worried. Everyone involved is happy with the situation, and you have someone who you and your mum both know and trust and who is practically family doing the work.

It will give your Mum someone to chat with/cups of tea. I think it sounds like an ideal arrangement and they obviously get on well. Don't feel guilty - you are giving them grandchildren, and it's wonderful to hear of a family all mucking in together!

You can't do it all and my guess is MIL also sees this as helping you too and supporting the wider family.

If only more families were like yours!

It's really nice of her. As long as they're both happy with it - great.

Are you feeling that people will judge you for not being the one doing it? Don't. Anybody who judges you for it isn't worth bothering about. You have a young family and a lot on and it makes sense for someone who perhaps doesn't have as much on to do it, if they're happy to.

And yes, as was said upthread - it is nice for people to have company their own age. They have a lot in common. Remember the 'old days', years gone by, life as it used to be (I am basing this on my grandad's trips down memory lane with people his own age. He really felt connected)

That sounds wonderful, you are all very lucky. And you sound like a nice person OP, I really think you can let this go.

I think it is lovely of your MIL to offer.

Is it guilt that is bothering you? I could understand that. My gran's companion's daughter comes and cleans for her occasionally. She doesn't get on with my mum and I live across London and work long hours. I feel guilty every time it is mentioned because I feel I should be doing it, but I am glad that she is being looked after by someone familiar.

Sounds a great idea to me. My mother and ILs have always done a lot together without me.

Aww thank you so much ladies! You're all lovely and have helped me see the bigger picture... Think I've been getting caught up with my own guilt/pride, and possible potential awkwardness or unusualness of the situation... Will hopefully feel better once spoken to mil

Its very true that we're very blessed to all get on so well, and some older company for my mum is definitely a positive (so long as they don't gang up on me too much Olderyetwilder )

Ooop outed myself as had name changed in OP in case i got flamed!

What Olderyetwilder said. Sounds ideal.

yabu! but you sound like a good caring daughter, it will be fine

You can still visit and see your mum as often, just spend the time chatting not cleaning

I think that it is the same as DCs-if you stop looking at as 'my mother and only I can look after her' and think how much better and less isolating it is to have lots of people doing things for her and spending time with her-you will see it differently.
i.e. it takes a village to raise a child and it takes a village to help and elderly person. The more the merrier!

DM pays people to clean , mow lawn.

Then when I visit I am free to sit and chat / take her out etc

Your mil might think you have enough on your plate, and this is her way of helping you?

You all sound like a lovely family.

well it wasnt you doing it before when the lad did it and you had no problem with that.And ou are happy for her to pay a stranger without doing the 'it should be me doing it' line.

So whats the issue?