to not know what to do with regards to exp and dd?

[goatshavestrangeeyes]

Okay this could be long so bear with me...

Dd is 7 and generally has a great relationship with her dad. He lives just around the corner from us (me, dh and ds) she sees him every sunday most of the time and he will see her on the odd occasion during the week if he isn't working. She absolutely worships the ground he walks on.

Bit of a backstory now, we hd dad when we were very young and he was always in and out of our lives. One minute he was around and then he would disappear for weeks at a time for no reason, it messed me up mentally but i shielded dd from it as much as i could and it never caused her any harm as she was so young and it was what she was used to iykwim?

Anyway me and exp get along fine for the sake of dd although it has caused a few probs between me and dh in the past it all seems to be sorted. Week leading up to xmas we had been discussing presents and when he was going to see her etc. Initally he says xmas eve for a few hours to which he had to cancel last min (well he rang at 8pm to see if he could pick her up in half an hour but she was in the bath getting ready for bed so i said no esp as he originally said he would see her early evening which i assumed was about 4-5pm) so then he says don't worry i will have her all day on the 27th as he was xmas and boxing day and he had promised dd he would see her then.

27th comes and i've not heard from him so send a text to ask where he is, no reply. Tried ringing and was completely ignored, went to his house and even though his car was there his dad says he isn't in Have sent texts everyday since, rang several times and have been ignored every single time. No explanation no nothing. Dd is absolutely devastated and i have witnessed behaviour from her like i never have before. I've found her sobbing her little heart out in her room asking over and over why he can't be bothered to see her. He does tend to let her down every few months like this and not see her for a couple of weeks and i guess now she has just had enough of it and recently he has pulled his finger out and made more of an effort so even i am shocked he could do this at xmas. She keeps saying she has a funny feeling he never wants to see her again and its breaking my heart to see her so upset about it. She keeps telling dh that her dad is the most horrible dad because he never keeps promises and he can't be bothered with her

I'm not really sure how to explain it to her as even though she is quite grown up she is still only 7 and is quite clearly very upset. I've told her its fine she has us here but she keeps asking me to go round and see if he is in and making up excuses for him as to why she hasn't even had a phonecal from him to wish her a merry xmas for example that his dog is playing up or he is poorly etc.

Thankyou if you have got this far i did warn you it may be long! any help would be appreciated!

I tend to go with honesty being the best policy. She may only be 7 but it's probably as good a time as any to sit her down and explain that, lovely though her dad his, one of the reasons why you're not all together as a family any more is that he is very unreliable and lets people down. Very sad etc. Naturally, you make it very clear that it's nothing she's done (children often blame themselves) and nothing you've done (you don't want her blaming you either) but simply that he's very absent-minded/thoughtless/selfish etc., and it's not a nice thing but he's always been the same way.

You're unlike to upset her more than she already is and I find many children deal better with the age-appropriate & direct approach than attempts to save their feelings by glossing over the truth.

One of the posters in SP has been on a course about this sort of thing, I'll pm her the link.

I'm sure the advice given was to be honest - but not derogatory - so you would have to be honest and say you don't know wh he does this.

But I'm sure she can explain better as I'm trying to remember what she posted.

as others have said honest but not brutal. my dds father often done the same, he no longer does this and she was 3 at the time. so a little different in responce but maybe not so different.

I would say, I don not know where he is, maybe he has had to work see family etc at short notice. I never contacted him unless she asked. I would say O.K I will call but you understand he may not answer reply etc.

Other than that I dont see what you can do other than be supportive of her and remind her it is not her fault.

I agree about honesty too. Just make sure you're not nasty about him (however tempting it is!). Stick to the facts and explain the sort of person he is and give examples of other times he has let other people down and not just her, which will help her understand that it happens to other people too and not just her.

I think your daughter feels insecure and already knows what her father is like, the trouble is at that age that she doesn't really understand her feelings and children do think the world revolves around them so she will take it personally.

I feel for you, it's a horrible place to be to watch your child be so upset and feel so powerless to do anything about it.

How awful for you and of course your DD. I think as others have said that an age appropriate but honest explaination is h best route to take. She'll know if you lie to her and as it is just you it is even more important that she can trust you.

Good luck.

Do you know that he's okay? I'm presuming his dad will be looking out for him. My XP used to do similar when we were together, so then, like you, I never used to say he was coming until he was actually there so as not to disappoint DD. We still have similar problems from time to time - either him not being where he should be or being depressed and telling DD all about it so she feels responsible for him. I would also go with being honest - you don't know where he is but tell her the things that you have done to try and sort it out, say this has happened before, you're not sure why, maybe sometimes that he finds things a bit difficult, but it's nothing to do with her as it's happened before her, and that you can not be absolutely sure that he'll be okay but chances are that he will as he has before. Bloody annoying though. Last time XP did it to my DD she said she didn't want to see him until she was 21 and "my daddy's a t*t" - she's eight. I did point out that t*t wasn't a very nice word for an 8 year old.... She now has an attitude that she knows that her dad loves her and it's nice to spend time with him (mostly) but he's a bit useless because that's just how he is, and it doesn't seem to affect her self esteem etc.