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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be intensely angry about this text?

27 replies

Magneto · 02/12/2011 22:03

Long story short, alcoholic mentally unstable mother has kicked out my 20 and 17 year old brother and sister. We have no family other than each other so they are now at mine. Trying to get a flat for my sister to privately rent as she works, but she has no savings so I will have to find the money to pay her deposit if she is accepted for a flat. Brother is unemployed, being messed around at the job centre who now think that because he is sleeping on my sofa (because he stupidly told them he could stay here) he is not a priority so we don't know when he's going to get any money or a halfway house place to stay or how I'm going to pay for a mattress for him to sleep on etc.

Ok so that's not really a short version but anyway, after days of abusive texts from mother which range from "I hate you all" to "It's all your fault" to "I should just kill myself now!" I have tonight received one which says

"Hoping you are all safe well and happy and that this is what we all need for a better future, hugs and kisses"

WIBU to have told her "thanks a fucking lot" no-one is happy, I have a two bedroom privately rented house and there is no room for them. I am not supposed to have other people living here so I am risking my tenancy. I want my living room back. I don't want to have to spend money I don't have on things that aren't necessary if our parents did their fucking job and actually parented the children they brought into the world.

As for a better future, this is putting me into debt. I am so fucking angry right now.

OP posts:

bushymcbush · 02/12/2011 22:06

What a terrible situation. Ignore her texts. Sounds like she is going to end up alone and unhappy the way she is going. Not your problem.

How lucky your brother and sister are to have you to help them when they need it.

AnyoneforTurps · 02/12/2011 22:06

YANBU. You are a fantastic sister. Ignore your mother's texts - you know no good will come of replying, however tempting it may be.

Have you contacted social services about your brother? They have a duty to help children under 18.

MitziKinsky · 02/12/2011 22:06

YANBU.

Your brother will have to tell the job centre you have thrown him out so he can get decent help.

But your siblings are lucky to have you.

Could your brother move in with your sister?

DamnBamboo · 02/12/2011 22:07

No, you wouldn't.
Post in stately homes, you'll get better support there.

That said, your DB is an adult and your DS nearly so, so perhaps your DM thinks in some parallel universe, she's done her bit.

I would be doing the same if I were you.

I hope it all works out.

DonkeyTeapot · 02/12/2011 22:08

I'd text her back what you've put here, word for word, it seems to sum it up pretty succinctly.

serin · 02/12/2011 22:10

Oh God, how awful for them and you.

Would Social services be able to offer help (financially or otherwise) esp. with the 17yr old?

Aliceinboots · 02/12/2011 22:12

Oh God there's no reasoning with alcoholics is there? My gran was a chronic drunk. She made my mum's life a total misery even after she left home and had her own family.
My gran threw up all over mum's MIL's carpet at their engagement party.
Your mother is toxic. Don't waste years making excuses for her, accepting her excuses.
You and your siblings need to ignore her and move on with your lives.
Easier said than done I know.
So sorry you have such a shit mother.

SantaDesperatelySeeksSedatives · 02/12/2011 22:16

YANBU go for it. I have similar issues with my mum and sometimes, however much the truth hurts she needs to hear it. By the sound of it the only person who's got a good deal out of this whole sorry mess is your mum.

As others have said your siblings are lucky to have you. Hope you find a solution for them soon.

troisgarcons · 02/12/2011 22:17

Well I dont know why you even bothered with the job centre. I had the same issue with sons friend (17) thrown out due to his mothers latest shag relationship. I took him stright to the housing office and demanded he be rehomed (rather like a cat). we played with the truth slighly - as in there was no way I was putting up with him on my sofa any longer and hewould besleeping rough that night. I agreed to keep him another 2 days on the sofa. He got a "halfway house" that he is still in with some other boys, and learning to be independentwith the help of his support worker.

You have to know how to play the system.

Truth was, I'd never throw a child on the street. It might be inconvenient my living room was cluttered with a sleeping bag in the morning but I'd rather that than him actually sleeping rough.

His flatlet had a bed, a chest of draws and a sink. I bought all his kitchen equipment, his crockery, his bedding, and as he had no money I also bought the the other things like washing up liquid, laundry detergent, and basic starter pack of food stuffs, I also cooked up a fortnights worth of food and froze it for him. I also took him shopping, through every supermarket in the area and taught him how to compare prices, when to shop to get the yellow label food stuffs.

Crabapple99 · 02/12/2011 22:19

sounds awful, thank god your brother and sister have you. I teach this age group, and beleive me, they still NEED parenting, having you will make all the difference to their lives and future. Best wishes to all of you.

(don't even bother to read any more texts from yur Mum, delete! and block if you can)

Tigerstripes · 02/12/2011 22:23

I have exactly the same mother, a father that ignores the situation and have been in and am in the same situation with my younger sister.
Your mother will not see she is wrong and while U would not BU to send the text, it will not do any good.
Advice above re what to do with the siblings is good, particularly with the younger one. Either call social services or get him to tell jobcentre you've thrown him out. Either way they will then have to help him.
With your sister, if you can lend her the money for a deposit, do. She can then start getting on with her life like you have.
I'm sorry this happened. Being the oldest is rubbish at times, particularly when you have to be the parent.

Original poster

Magneto · 02/12/2011 22:25

Social services are involved but my brother is 18 next month so I think they're dragging their heels.

Mother has gone on for years about how she has "raised" us and what more do we want her to do...I think I first heard that one when I was about 13.

I have my own family, my own ds, this is his future she is fucking with now. I don't know what I'm going to do, I can't support my brother and sister, I don't want to and they're not my responsibility. But I have to and it's not fair.

I will try that with the housing office, he supposedly has a place at a halfway house but he said it is not furnished at all - not sure whether that's true as I ended up in the same sort of place when I was 16 (mother kicked me out because I had an argument with my sister over a tv programme) but I had at least a mattress and fridge however this is a different county we're dealing with now so maybe it's different.

It is taking me all my restraint not to send her a text saying "You will never see my ds again after this", I know it work hurt her more than anything else I could say but she used to threaten this to my grandparents all the time - they knew it would all blow over but as the child it upset me so much I will not stoop to her level now.

OP posts:

ReindeerBollocks · 02/12/2011 22:28

Ah, am dealing with a similar situation. It's the niceness and acceptance that hurts the most!

Take your brother back to the job centre/housing place and tell them you've kicked him out and that he needs to be homed (suitably). If they can help then great, if not then continue as you are, at least you'll be getting somewhere.

You are doing a fabulous thing, picking up the pieces for them, but get them to help you too, help clean, pay board for the sister that's working, then hopefully you'll be less out of pocket. pitch in together. It must be a hard time for you all but at least you have each other. And rant away that's what MNs for.

ReindeerBollocks · 02/12/2011 22:30

Just seen your latest update. Don't engage with her at the moment (easier said than done). Leave her to it and see what happens. You are right, you don't deserve this and it isn't fair.

WhoopsyLa · 02/12/2011 22:30

What a nightmare! Thank God they have you to stay with nd look out for them! IS there anyway you could keep your brother until your sister has a flat and then he could share with her once he has a job?

Could you visit a local social furniture place...and look on Freecycle?

wannaBe · 02/12/2011 22:34

yanbu re your mother.

But at twenty your sister is not a child. Does she work or is she in college?

chipmonkey · 02/12/2011 22:45

Trois that young man was very lucky to have a friend like you.

Original poster

Magneto · 02/12/2011 22:47

My sister is working 2 jobs and 14 hour days. We're trying to secure her a flat in the same town as her jobs because the only way she can get too and from work from my house is via taxi (which is too expensive), she has been supporting our mother for the last year so she has no savings - mother made her pay £50 a week rent but she also had to buy the shopping and give our brother money if he wanted/needed it because mum said so or she would get kicked out. She also had to hand over money if mum wanted more booze or fags.

What also really pisses me off is how she has got away with this.

From I started secondary school she never washed a dish, cooked a meal or ever put the washing machine on. My sister and I did it all. I used to walk home from school and pray that she had washed the dishes...I think I got my wish probably 3 times in 5 years. Nothing else got done in the house at all. The house was flea ridden at one point and still no-one noticed, no-one cared because on the outside everything was fine - I made sure we got up for school on time, that we were washed and fed and had clean clothes. We were well behaved while the feral children who bullied me got away with it because "they have problems at home".

We never told a teacher or social services or anyone because from we were tiny it was drummed into us that social services would take us away so naturally it was the thing we most feared. Then when I was 15 the overdoses started and she has overdosed every few months ever since. The first time I ever told anyone what was going on was about a week before she took her first overdose - I phoned my best friend's mum and begged her to come and calm my mum down as she was threatening to kill herself. My friends mum did nothing and my best friend stopped talking to me.

Loads of people saw the state of the house and saw the state of my mum and no-one did a fucking thing for us. We had a steady procession of police, paramedics and teachers who were in contact with my mum and us but did nothing but tell us to "try not to upset your mum".

I am not saying they should help us now, I know we are adults I am not asking for help from other people, I am just angry that our parents aren't doing their job. But when this started and escalated we were only children. I am so angry and I know I'm ranting but I feel so let down.

OP posts:

Original poster

Magneto · 02/12/2011 23:02

Oh and why did I work so hard to ensure that no-one knew what was happening at home? Because if I didnt I'd be in trouble with mum for showing her up.

OP posts:

LEttletownofBOFlehem · 02/12/2011 23:07

Fucking hell, Magneto. That is shocking to read. I am so so sorry- what a bloody waste of space your mother was, nobody should have to go through that.

Original poster

Magneto · 02/12/2011 23:20

And none of this happened according to mum by the way. I made all this up.

OP posts:

TroublesomeEx · 02/12/2011 23:24

OP, you sound like a wonderful sister and a lovely person despite your parents. I hope it all works out for you.

Magneto - I thought my parents were shit (they "we shopped at sainsbury's and took you to Stately Homes" variety). But they had nothing on this! You were let down not only by your parents but by all the adults who should have stepped in to protect you when you parents failed. You have every right to be angry and rant. The fact that you are now an adult doesn't undo or wipe out your past. That is your life and you deserved for it to be better than it was.

LEttletownofBOFlehem · 02/12/2011 23:26

Doesn't that always seem to be the way? Vicarinatutu has a similar thread running at the moment, and there are some wonderful supportive women who will understand on the Stately Homes threads here, for when you are ready to talk to others in the same boat.

But for now, rant away here by all means- you must be fucking furious.

PastGrace · 02/12/2011 23:27

Magneto, I am so sorry you had to experience that. Your brother and sister are incredibly lucky to have you, and of course YANBU to be angry. I am amazed you have coped so admirably to be in a position to support your siblings at all.

You were totally and utterly failed by the state systems which are supposed to be there for situations exactly like yours. I am truly amazed that you had the strength to put up with it.

Berries · 02/12/2011 23:27

Magneto, you have a right to feel let down. That neglected child is still there wanting recognition and validation. Maybe the best you can do is to live your life well, but also remember that you have been through some tough stuff. You survived and have made something good. You should be proud of yourself, and especially so for helping your brother and sister through this.

Feel the anger, acknowledge it, then let it go.

hugs

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