Adoption: Where do we start?

[helenfrench2003]

Hi everyone! I'm new to this site...In fact I'm a total chat room virgin! I've always scrolled through numerous forums whilst on my ttc journey but never had the balls to join one. This time is different though. This time I mean business! My husband (32) and myself (37) have decided to adopt after coming to the end of the road with fertility treatments. We've found a peace with our struggles and the bottom line is we just want to be parents! We're excited but completely overwhelmed at where to begin! We live in West London and from what I gather I just call up local agencies and pick one and go from there? What sort of things can I ask? What the difference/benefits of council run verses voluntary agencies? I guess I'm worried I might say the wrong thing and jeopardise our chances before we begin...I would love and welcome any advice and to be totally honest...a laymen's terms approach on where to start?

Thanks
Hilary xxx

[Velvet1973]

Hi Hilary,
I just called a few agencies initially and just explained where we were at with Ivf etc and choosing adoption and the conversation just evolves. They'll ask you some questions about age of child, how many, etc. I think I rang 3 and it was our LA that I just got the best feel from so we went to one if their open evenings and took it from there.
My understanding of va's is they generally have older of harder to place children. LA's will always try and match their own adopters with their own children first as that's the most cost effective for them.
I think ultimately you'll need to ask what sort of children they generally have to place and see if that fits in with what you are looking for. At the end of the day if they do then it comes down to which agency you get the most comfortable feeling from.
Good luck.

[Hilary37]

Thanks so much for speedy response! That's so helpful. It's nice to know so many people have been through something similar.
When you say 'they'll ask age of child'...What is realistic? Ie can you specify age range? up to 12months? Up to 2years etc?
And do you mind me asking how long the process was for you?

Xxx

[YouAreMyRain]

I'm not sure what the categories are now, I think when we were approved the categories were 0-4yrs, 4-8yrs etc. If you want a child under 12 months, you would potentially have a very long wait as many people want babies and very few are available at that age. Most children in the UK are removed from birth families due to neglect, alcohol and drug misuse etc.

The children "available" have many uncertainties, my two adopted DD were both "normal" developmentally when they were placed (at 18 months and 30 months) now they are older, they have both been diagnosed with learning difficulties, and one has mental health issues (tried to kill herself at the age of 6). There are many unknowns. If you choose an older child, there are more certainties as many conditions are not diagnosed until children are older.

If you are prepared to adopt a sibling group, an older child or a child with a health condition or disability then a voluntary agency may be right for you as these children are harder to place and local authorities often approach third parties. If you want a baby, you would be better going directly to your local authority. Ask if they do concurrent planning, that's where you get approved to foster and adopt at the same time, you could get a baby placed with you to foster and if they become available to adopt, (once assessments on the birth family are completed) you could go on to adopt them. It's tricky because there are benefits, and potentially you could get to adopt a baby, but you could end up bonding with a baby that is then returned to their birth family which could be very hard.

Also, people tend to assume that babies will be easier and have less problems due to less exposure to abuse. My DDs were removed from birth families at birth pretty much but exposure to drugs, stress, alcohol and violence in the womb can have lifetime implications. Children can also be traumatised even if they are removed at birth, as newborn babies can recognise their mothers and then suddenly they are not with their mother and this can be stressful.

Families living chaotic lives can often have underlying issues that are masked by their lifestyle and substance misuse. Autism and other mental health conditions can be inherited and lead to chaotic lifestyles, but are not always picked up on.

There is a lot to consider! Hang around on here for a bit and you will pick up a lot.

[Lilka]

Hi and welcome Hilary

In terms of agencies, I would recommend calling and having a chat with your possible agencies - pretty sure you can do a post code search online at the government's First4Adoption site - and then going with the best of those. The difference with an LA (council) is that they are the ones who take the children into care and so they are the ones who have waiting children with them. Generally, a council will look to their own adopters first, then to a specified set of other nearby councils and voluntary agencies, and then after that they look further afield (geographically). It's impossible to generalise, but some VA's specialise in placing hard-to-place children, so older kids, sibling groups, children from ethnic minorities and children with disabilities or other significant needs. Yet sometimes people go with VA's and adopt young single children, it totally depends on the area of the country you live in and the individual agency. So you would be best to specifically ask the individual VA's about the type of children they usually have placed with their adopters, and if that fits with what you would like, then great. Again, all agencies are different, but some VA's have better post adoption support than any other agency, you might find adopters to give reviews of agencies in your area.

But ultimately, unless you are lucky, not all agencies near you will need what you have to offer at the moment. Some will be less enthusiastic about you than others. All work differently. So it's best to have several discussions and then make a decision. You can attend multiple open evenings with agencies as well as phone them.

You do specify an age range (at first they just want your general thoughts, you aren't expected to know for sure until later in the process), and they ask people so they can prioritise those applications from those people they think they can match with their waiting children quicker. There are less children waiting for adoption now than there were 2 years ago, and no one knows for sure what will change in the next year, but if you want to adopt a single child under the age of 3 who doesn't have significant needs, you will need to understand that you may have a wait after you are approved. How long does it take to find a child, is like asking how long is a piece of string but some people are waiting over 12 months to be matched right now, or even 18 months+ in some counties. Others are lucky to be matched in under 6. But I think the mental preparation for a wait is key.

However, you have to go with the age range you feel comfortable with. 0-2 years is usually the youngest age range people ask for, and they are usually bringing home children aged 9-23 months within that age range. A few people ask for 0-12 months but right now there really are few children within that age range. Under 6 months IMHO is not realistic unless you are interested in concurrent planning, which is when you foster a baby who is likely but NOT certainly going to be adopted. If the birth parents don't manage to turn things around and none of the other family are suitable, you then adopt the baby. So it's quite different from going the adoption-only route.

In adoption terms any child aged 23 months of younger is a baby, so 0-23 months is a realistic age range IMHO, as long as you are happy to possibly wait a while.

That's the younger end obviously, you might personally want to adopt a child older than that, there are few children older than 8-9 available, but any age from 4-9 is also realistic.

[Hilary37]

Thanks youaremyrain!

I'm learning so much already! I had already considered the risks of infant trauma. It's easy to forget what those poor kids go through before being placed on the list. Sounds like you've had your fair share of difficulties. I hope you and your girls are ok. I guess there are no certainties. We would like a child under 5 but understand the limitations. We just want to provide a loving home to a kid that needs it.
Thank you for reminding me to look beyond our initial excitement. We're undeterred but you're are absolutely right...there's a lot to consider!

Much love

[Hilary37]

Thanks Lilka!!

I feel like I'm having a crash course!
Feeling much more armed and confident to start making initial calls!!

Xxx

[UnidentifiedSighingObject]

It's also worth saying that, of course, the average age and profile of the children waiting changes, so for example two years ago my LA was placing children with an average age of 2, and was actively recruiting adopters for children aged 0-3. Now they are looking for families for children aged 3-6, but in six months time, that could all have shifted again. My DD was almost three when she came home, after a delay of several months due to legal/process stuff. It was a good age for me, because she was old enough for some problems to be known, and some other things to be ruled out. The future, of course, is still very uncertain but as far as possible you have to make your peace with that. Easy to say!

Good luck, and welcome to the board

[Themoleandcrew]

We applied with our local council who were terrible so we approached some other local councils. We were prepared to adopt one or two children up to the age of 5 but ended up with two under 3 and all being well number three will be home in around a month at less than a year old. So far ours seem to have no issues but it's early days and there are significant issues in the birth family so we're prepared for the worst. We found it hard to balance the desire for a younger child with the uncertainty wrt development. We were very lucky though and were unofficially matched before we were approved so had just under a year between first contact with the agency and our little ones coming home.
Good luck with it all. The ladies on here are a wealth of friendly support and knowledge.

[Chicklette]

For me, the vibe I got from the first contact with VA/LA determined who we went with. As part of a lesbian couple, for example, I needed to be comfortable with the way I thought agencies were going to be about that. We went with LA and had a very good experience. In regards to the age of adoptable children it varies a lot depending on various factors- everyone in our prep group adopted kids under 2 years old even though many of us stipulated 0-5. We adopted a sibling group that were both under 2 and didn't wait very long.

[Chicklette]

Good Luck and I hope it all goes well. Exciting times!

[Velvet1973]

Hi Hilary again,
We formally applied March 2014 and were approved september 2024. Our baby boy was placed with us in dec aged 6 months. We are incredibly lucky that it was so quick and to have him so young. At the moment he appears to be a normal, happy, healthy 9 month old but as others say that may not always be the case later on. Our LA advised they had a lot of children under 2 at the time we applied and their adopters were mainly looking for school age children so again quite different to the norm. Again this changes constantly certainly from those on our prep days I would say 90% were looking for under 2 years old.

[Hilary37]

You ladies are just fantastic!! Thanks so much for the welcome and support!
One other question I had...
At the moment my husband live in a one bed rental and are looking to move to a two soon. Would it matter if we were amidst/pre move when we start the process? We assumed there would be quite a waiting period so hadn't really thought this would be an urgent matter. But from what you ladies are sharing perhaps we need to be settled sooner? I'm assuming we need to be settled before home visits begin? How long a period is it between picking an agency to someone viewing your home situation?

[YouAreMyRain]

In my experience they do a screening visit early on to check the suitability of accommodation. We were having alterations done so held back until we had completed them before applying. On the preparation course we met other people who had passed the screening visit while in the middle of building work. The best thing is to ask the agencies about the timing and criteria for their screening visit.

[JammyJimmy]

I would contact them now and let them know the plans for moving. If they make you wait before placement you haven't lost anything you know you need to move anyway.

When you're choosing agencies think about the long term as well. If you go with your local la and they place a local child with you potentially your child's birth family could live very close to you or in quite a small community you may be forever looking over your shoulder everytime you go to the supermarket.

Our approval process took years, but that was due to unforeseen changes in our circs that needed to be sorted before we could progress. If you cut out the extra stuff the process took about 9 months to be approved then about four months to placement.

We fostered to adopt and consequently our dd was placed at birth. She's the best thing that has ever happened to us. Good luck on your journey

[Hilary37]

Thanks so much ladies! You've been incredibly helpful. I'll start making calls and find out our options. It's so nice to have this first hand experience and advice!

[Leannevg13]

My husband and I have made the initial phone calls, been to an information evening and now registered our interest to adopt. Waiting for phone call from Social Worker! I have a 14 yr old son from previous marriage, he is super close to my husband and excited at becoming a big brother! We are looking at 5,6 or 7 year old girl. It is exciting and scary all at the same time.. Would love to chat with others on the same journey! ;)