What do you think about our plans for dedication?

[Italiangreyhound]

I am wondering if any experienced adopters, parents or others could advise us on what to do, please?

Once ds is legally part of the family we have decided we will have a dedication for him at church, and a party.

We really want to do this as we did it with dd when she was 8 months old and we felt it was our preferred option instead of infant baptism, even though we attended a Church or England Church, which normally baptises infants (don;t worry the questions are not religious ones!).

Dedication is a service you can have in church where you welcome a child to the family and dedicate yourselves as parents to bring the child up in a Christian home. This is an alternative to having a child baptised into the Christian faith. So the child makes up their mind as an adult whether or not to be baptised, and maybe confirmed too. This is done in the Church of England and also happens more commonly in Baptist churches too.

We hope people will use this as a chance to celebrate ds’s arrival as many friends and family did not send us cards when ds came or buy gifts etc. We did get several cards (about 12) but we got many, many more when dd was born, I know it is not about amounts but I know some people would actually like to celebrate with us and mark the arrival of our new ds.

After the service we will go into the church hall for a celebration. Maybe we will have a short welcome speech, then a nice buffet lunch. We may have a children’s entertainer, maybe a big joint craft event for the kids to do a big picture collage together for ds to keep as a memento of the day. I will put dd in charge of stuff so she feels needed and integral to the day.

Questions to follow!

[Italiangreyhound]

I wonder what others can suggest to make it a special day, please?

Also, my main question… I am thinking people may bring us cards of a 'dedication' or 'welcome' nature, which we will keep for ds in his memory box; but what about gifts?

If I were invited to such an occasion I would take a gift like a baptismal present (e.g. baby baptism, either something memorial and ornamental and possibly expensive, or maybe a toy or Christian book). We have a reasonably wide circle of friends and a few family who may join us from far away.

So my concern is that I do not necessary think it will be beneficial for ds to have a lot of gifts. I know that sounds mean I know but he already has a lot of toys, quite a lot of books, and clothes! Lots of ornamental things would probably be unhelpful.

I am also worried dd (10) will feel her nose is very out of joint if ds gets a lot of gifts. Of course this is totally unfair as dd was dedicated at 8 months and got lots of gifts plus also lots of cards and gifts when she was born! Of course she does not remember this and even if she did that was then and this is now!

So my preferred option is to say something in the invitation like, we would welcome cards for now and to keep for ds as a keep sake for when he is older, and that we do not expect any gifts but if anyone would like to give something to ds, please could they give a small monetary gift for his child fund? We started a fund when dd was born and some family have added to it but ds does not have one and we would like to start one for him. Does this sound totally money grabby?!

The other, maybe sneakier, option is to ask for vouchers for our favourite supermarket or store and use the actual vouchers for family expenses and put the money into his account!

I just do not want a lot of gifts for ds and dd to feel left out and we are pretty cramped for space so lots of gifts around Christmas time (as well as Christmas gifts) just seems wrong!

What have others done?

So this is not about the spiritual side of the day but the fun elements and most of all the gifts and the ‘filthy lucre money’!

Any advice, please, on gifts, and how also to make it a special and memorable day?

[Kewcumber]

I'd just caution that in your eagerness not to put DD's nose out of joint you treat DS so differently that he later questions it.

It has always bothered me that my older brother and sister were christened and I wasn't. I'm a devout atheist and it still bothers me because the answer was "Oh well we never quite got around to it" like the novelty of children has worn off by then and I wasn't as special as the other two.

It's not intellectually how I feel especially now so many years later but when I asked when I was about 10 or 11 who my god parents were I was really quite upset about how differently I'd been treated.

I'd be really cautious of steering people away from the kind of presents your DD got - bible, silver cups that kind of thing I guess. She has a box of these probably in the attic - why shouldn't he have them too?

They aren't the kind of presents that compete with Xmas presents are they? They're the kind that get stored away and dug out once every ten years. I can't tell you how much I'd advise against practical things like vouchers when your DD is looking through her bible signed by Auntie Mabel and DS is saying "where is mine?". What will you say? You didn't have one but we had a lovely slap up meal at Waitrose thanks!?

[Kewcumber]

That sounds a bit blunt - should I add some kisses at the end?

[Mama1980]

Hi I agree with Kew, I would not in your eagerness to appear to not favour your son to your daughter you make it less about him if that makes sense?
I would also not mention anything about gifts tbh, all the typical christening type gifts I'm sure your son would love to have as I'm sure your daughter will treasure hers in years to come. He should get to have all the useless difficult to store stuff people buy even though you have no room for it.
How does your ds feel about the celebration? I only ask because my eldest dd especially in the first couple of years would have hated this sort of thing, with a passion. I Don't mean to say it isn't right for your son by the way they are all different just curious.

[mymummademelistentoshitmusic]

The dedication is a wonderful idea. Love it.
Asking for money though is just wrong, wrong, wrong!! If you want gifts say nothing, if you don't, just say 'no gifts please'. I'd be offended to be told what to give, and it's tacky as well.
Also, your dd needs to learn that not everything is about her, it's somebody else's day.

[Italiangreyhound]

YES Kew I want the kisses!

[Italiangreyhound]

Good points Kew, Mama and mymummademelistentoshitmusic. I guess I was just being worried about the deluge of more stuff! I already feel like I am drowning in 'things'! But maybe that is selfish.

I'm sorry you were not baptised Kew if that is what you wanted. It is not too late! You do not need to get in the font!

Having ds dedicated is the same as dd, neither have been baptised, dd was dedicated too.

I wasn't going to ask for money exactly, but I can see it looks tacky so will avoid it.

Yes, I know everything is not about DD but it has been such a struggle with jealousy. It has been the hardest part of it all.

[mymummademelistentoshitmusic]

Kew - we didn't baptise our third. It wasn't any of the reasons you see it as, just that we were older and realised it wasn't really necessary. Your parenting style changes. You realise what doesn't matter. Please don't think you were loved less as a third, I am certain that's not the case.

[Italiangreyhound]

Sorry, didn't clarify, dd has God parents, (5), and ds will have at least 5 God parents too, in fact I am having trouble narrowing down the list!

Also when I said above "...and most of all the gifts and the ‘filthy lucre money’!" I meant most of all my question was about that not that my consideration of the day was about it!

The idea of the supermarket or store vouchers was to give the money to ds so he has extra money in his child fund to spend how he wants when he is older, but I do see where you are all coming from.

I guess dd doesn't seem to feel especially interested in her dedication gifts, even though they were lovely they seem to her (now) to be pretty um-special in a way, of no use!

So I thought ds could have something more useful and versatile.

Thanks you have made me see it a different way.

I can see that in year's to come not having those things might feel unfair to him and I would not want him to feel it.

Maybe I am coming across as very materialistic where as I feel actually the opposite, that things only have the value that is put into them and my kids don't seem particularly attached to things' (apart from special teddy bears or the times they go mad if they do not get the right plate of course!).

Thanks for your help.

Please suggest any other ideas for how to make our day special.

[Mama1980]

Maybe you're right re the gifts, I only speak from my own experience. My mum faithfully kept boxes of 'stuff' we were all given as babies (Birth gifts etc we weren't christened/dedicated) none of us showed any Interest u till we had children of our own, now we treasure them. In fact only last week my brother 2/4 who recently had a son was digging out his stuff.
I do get your point re stuff trust me I'm drowning in it too, but I think it would be nice for them to have the same kind of things.

On the birth/adoption of my children I had my friends and family write in a book kind of like a how much we love you, welcome to the world. random advice book. (Brother 3/4 memorably wrote, I'm gonna teach you to support a decent football team not bloody Spurs )
The two old enough to read them absolutely love looking through. Could you maybe do something like that on the day, your dd could write too, or take it around to people, give her something to be involved in?
What is your ds into?

[Hels20]

Completely agree with above - do not ask for money. And don't worry if your daughter has more than your son - my sister always had more money in her savings than me (she was younger by 4 years) because there were so many toys in the house that people gave her money in lieu of birthday presents for the first 3 years...its part of life isn't it?

I understand your need to protect your daughter but she is 10 and I am sure you will do a good job of explaining to your daughter that this is your son's special day.

We had our son christened - and we actually had a variety of gifts - though not everyone gave gifts.
Which was of course fine. But they were small tokens - and a lot were special books (not all religious) - just books that meant something to the person who gave it. We also got a couple of wall hangings - with DS's name on it etc.
The best present I got though, was a present for me - which I will in due course hand over to my son. My best friend had saved all the emails I had sent her from the first one I sent telling her I thought we had found "the one" - they covered all my worries, concerns, hopes, and then utter joy when we finally met him - and she had interspersed the writings with various photos of him. An amazing present...

[TheannamoLeelu]

What about having a list of a variety of things, eg, specify some appropriate toys or books he might like, some amazon vouchers or money for his savings account, it will give people a choice? Some people like the easy option of money whereas some think its grabby.

Or you could ask everyone to bring along something to put in a special scrapbook for him, eg a quote (perhaps biblical if from your church friends) some friendly advice, a recipe, song lyrics, a poem, and make it into something special for him to see again when he's 18. If you are worried your DD may feel left out you could make one for her on her next big birthday, or indeed as she approaches her 18th. It might be nice for your boy to see how welcomed he was into your circle of family and friends when he reaches adulthood.

You could do a kind of photo booth type thing at the church hall celebration, like people do at wedding receptions, and ask you DD to help organise, she could do a basket of props like funny hats etc, and take Polaroids of people dressing up and then stick the photos into the scrapbook alongside the poems, quotes etc. That way she will feel special and involved too.

I agree that you should let your son experience the joys of having typical christening gifts and special presents like your DD had, even though you fear a bit of sibling jealousy. I think you just need to position it with her first. Perhaps while organising you can make a point of showing her all the things she was given at her ceremony, and help her be involved in the organising of the day a bit too.

Hope all goes well, I'm sure your family and friends will be very glad to celebrate with you and be able to mark the occasion

[auntybookworm]

My siblings and I were I interested in our Christening gifts. I still enjoy looking at the cards, now. My Mum put everything away for us to enjoy when we were old enough as the gifts were 'precious' sadly this means we did not have the gifts around, but became fascinated with looking at them, whenever we could.

I would suggest you do what is right for you. I used to be uncomfortable with people asking for money at a wedding, but we are currently arranging our day and it is clear some friends and family would rather give money than anything else. (I was trying to get away with no gift list as I didn't want to ask for anything this maybe what has caused the confusion.

I like the idea of giving your guests a choice as others have suggested making it clear a gift/money is not expected.

Perhaps DS could be involved with the day in other ways. I am not familiar with dedication ceremony (was a catholic) but could she cope with a short reading? Or taking her brother to the alter at the start of the service to the Godparents?

For the day you could have a prayer / wish tree and ask everyone to write something for your son.

Sorry if this is unclear I am dyslexic, which gets worse when tired

[FamiliesShareGerms]

We asked for donations to DD 's child trust fund if people wanted to give something - all our friends and family were more than happy with this though I was called grabby by the MN jury when I said this was an example of when sometimes there can be a good reason for a cash request Her god parents and close family gave more traditional presents, I think she has much the same as DS who was christened when he was a little baby

[Italiangreyhound]

mama you asked What is your ds into? well TV, The Octonaughts and Numberjacks mostly, using the trampoline, jumping in the swimming pool, music and dancing, dressing up.

Hels wow, what a fabulous present! How great.

TheannamoLeelu wow fabulous ideas. I might ask people to do the book for dd too though, as we did not do that for her! I do like to be fair!

auntybookworm very clear, I am dyslexic too so no worries. Your ideas are fabulous too.

Thanks Families as a godmother (of 4) I would welcome requests for money just once, so I will not condemn you! I think it is a good idea, I think I will wait and see what people say, I will not mention it at all.

Thanks one and all.

[Maiyakat]

When DD was dedicated I put on the invitation that we didn't expect any gifts, but if people were thinking of giving one would they like to consider a donation to charity x which had helped DD. Only 2 people took any notice of this! (I ignored a similar request for my niece's Christening so can't really complain!) So you can put what you like on the invitation....

[Pico2]

This seems to me to be a great opportunity to talk to your DD about her dedication. Show her the gifts she got and remind her of the people who bought them for her. Could she help in planning your DS's dedication? It is an opportunity for her to formally welcome him into your family too.

[Littlef00t]

I'd ask for no gifts on the invite, but if someone approaches you perhaps say amazon vouchers would be good?

I think the problem of suggesting money if someone wants to get something is people can interpret it as disenginious and you actually wanted money all along.

[AppleAndBlackberry]

I think people sometimes like to give gifts that will contribute to a child's spiritual walk/development e.g. a Bible, Christian story book etc, or something to remember the day by. I'm not sure I would want to give a financial gift really for this reason, just my opinion though. Hope you and your family have a lovely day.

[hackneylady]

Could you give DD a small but special present on the day? This could be as much about making her feel included and giving her a role as giving her 'stuff' - after all, she's become a big sister, just as your son has joined the family and you've become his parents. So could she get, maybe, a very pretty Bible or a silver cross, or whatever you think is age appropriate. And you and she could have a 'moment' early in the day when she opens it?

[Kewcumber]

I'm on the fence about money. I wouldn't ask for money but you know your friends and family and how it would be received.

My point wasn't that he should get loads of presents (I know some of you said you didn't get presents and it was fine) it was about treating him differently to how your DD was treated.

I also think tailoring what your DS gets to avoid a confrontation with your DD is a hard road to DS never getting the fuss that DD got on special days. Just tackle it head on with her before the day. A small gift for her would be fine though and I think the idea of getting her christening gifts out before hand and discussing what she got and from whom is a good idea.

[Italiangreyhound]

(Embarrassed face icon) No idea exactly where all Dd's dedication gifts ended up!

Some were toys (a bath toy from my cousin) which would have gone the NCT route of all unneeded out of grown toys, there was jewellery and I foolishly allowed dd to wear it (a cross and a bracelet) not sure where they went)! There was a rolling ball with a noise in it and a character on top (might be in the loft), there was a fairy (got her wings broken) and a lovely wooden statue (got blue paint on her - not me obviously!), and so maybe a picture is emerging of why gifts are not so meaningful for me, or dd! But that may not be the same for ds (sadly evidence to the contrary already!).

The one thing DD did get, and I loved, were books but she was not that enamoured either!

I think I am kind of showing either that I know myself and my kids or that I am a terrible mother! Or both!

Thanks one and all.

Off to hunt out dedication gifts!

[Italiangreyhound]

Yes good idea, one nice item for dd too. My desire to make life easier for dd is not just to pacify her but also because when she feels less threatened she is nicer to ds and I want his special day to be good for him. Actually, it is all of us having a special day and he will also get the judge day thing (whatever it is called).

[Kewcumber]

I do understand, but as one who was treated differntly the point is not whether you or DD valued her gifts (or even if DS will), you just don't know. However in this situation I think treated both the same is ideal.

It may all be irrelevant DS may not care two hoots. The problem is that if he does then there will be no way back from it in 5 years time when he's asking about it. To be fair your DD could equally be asking why they weren;t treated the same when he has a little pot of money from his dedication and she doesn;t!

[Kewcumber]

And re Judgment day (!) I didn;t make a big deal of it because DS would have been very confused to celebrate that I was finally legally his mum when as far as he was concerned I already was. I felt making a big deal of it might raise issues where none existed.

So we had a cup of tea and cakes with SW's and lawyer and had a pleasant say but it really wasn't a celebration much. Of course not everyone does it this way but just to warn you, you might fell that you don;t want to make it a celebration as such when the time comes.