So I saw dds birth mum yesterday.

(121 Posts)
Mama1980 Sun 25-Aug-13 20:41:49

She asked to see me, all very official through social services and we met at a contact centre with social worker present. I hadn't seen her in 6 years. Court ordered no contact with either me or dd and she never contested that.
Dd was fine with it we had a long talk, she will never have contact with her bm again but given the circumstances was fine with me seeing her. I would never have agreed if she wasn't.
Oh my heart just broke for the girl who was once my friend, she looks awful, she's my age but looks 50 and her eyes are just dead. she was once my friend and we grew up together confusedi held her the day she found out she was pregnant with dd and she had such plans confusedI had a urge to just wrap my arms around her and cry but the other half of me wanted to scream at her for what she did and allowed to happen to my beautiful girl.
She said she wanted to see me to ask me to take the baby but when I asked why she just shrugged her shoulders. Words just started coming out of my mouth then, that I would help her, pay for rehab, get free, get clean, find her somewhere to stay words I've said a thousand times before. Why? Why?! Why did I stupidly hold out I don't know hope?! I'm so angry with myself.
But all she wants is for me to agree she'll have no contact she offered to sign her baby away like cheque. confusedThe social worker then started talking about not pressuring me that this was not what this was about it was about making the best decision and other things I didn't really hear.
I left and threw up. Not once did she ask about dd.
I came home to find my girl playing with ds1 and 2 laughing. Literally I was greeted by laughter as I came through the door.
I just needed to write that down sorry.

IJustNeedANap Sun 25-Aug-13 20:44:08

Sorry I don't know what to say but didn't want to read and run. It sounds like you've done an amazing thing for your DD and she is very lucky to have you as her mum! I hope you can move on from this in your own head and enjoy your DCS thanks

rootypig Sun 25-Aug-13 20:45:04

Oh mama. I don't know what to say, life is full of such dark and light. Coming home to three happy children sounds wonderful. DD is lucky to have you.

RandomMess Sun 25-Aug-13 20:46:38

sad flowers

Mama1980 Tue 27-Aug-13 07:40:39

Thanks for replying x

FourLittleDudes Tue 27-Aug-13 07:55:43

I don't know what to say, but I couldn't read and not say something, even if I have nothing helpful to say.

Jaynebxl Tue 27-Aug-13 07:56:53

How hard for you :-( but I agree, it sounds like you have done an amazing job. So did I read right and she is preg again? Or have I misunderstood?

Mama1980 Tue 27-Aug-13 08:06:52

Yes Jayne she is pregnant again. I am in the process of deciding whether or not I would consider taking the baby under a sgo initially.

FourGates Tue 27-Aug-13 08:16:04

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Oh my goodness sad and you have three dc already? What are your instincts telling you?

Amiee Tue 27-Aug-13 08:23:31

The storey of how your family has come to be is tragic yet wonderful and it seems not yet finished.
What ever you decide I'm sure will it will be difficult so 'hugs'.

niffernaffer Tue 27-Aug-13 08:29:52

And what happens the next time she falls pregnant? You are under no obligation to her. So hard on you.

Thinking of you.

Mama1980 Tue 27-Aug-13 09:45:53

Yes I have 3 dc my dd 15 ds1 5 and my youngest ds who was born December last year.
Thanks for replying its one of those where there's nothing really too say confused

peacefuleasyfeeling Tue 27-Aug-13 10:07:14

Dear Mama, what an amazing thing you did for your DD. I am so moved. These are the life changing, life saving decisions which some people have to make, for which we should all be grateful. Those of us whose lives are not touched by such tragedies are so lucky; it could easily be anyone of us. I am very sorry you now find yourself in what I imagine must feel like a difficult spot. I wish you all the clarity of mind and courage you will no doubt need in order to make this decision. And wow again for being a wonderful mum to your DD.

So has she avoided getting pregnant for 15 years? I think in that case I would be more inclined to consider it (though god knows you have your hands full). Does that sound odd? Maybe it seems less likely that she would have several more dc and assume you would take them. I don't know. Does your dd know she's pregnant?

Coconutty Tue 27-Aug-13 10:37:43

You sound lovely OP, what a hard choice you have to make now. She must know that you have taken very good care of your DD for her to ask you to take her new baby.

I would say to you to be very careful not to take on too much - you already have 3 children.

Devora Tue 27-Aug-13 13:25:40

Huge sympathies to you, Mama. I've just had to take the hard decision on whether to adopt my dd's half-sibling. It's really tough.

My feelings towards my dd's birth parents are complex. I can't begin to imagine how complicated it gets when they were once your friend.

SunnyIntervals Tue 27-Aug-13 13:36:09

I'm sending you huge hugs - no ideas, but I am in awe of your strength. It must be so hard to think of what to do for the best.

LaVitaBellissima Tue 27-Aug-13 13:47:58

Wow, that must be a lot to process, seeing someone you were once close to at such a low ebb. Drugs really do ruin lives, I assume she is still taking them whilst pregnant, wouldn't this effect the new baby? Future health implications etc.

You sound like a lovely person, what does your partner think? thanks

spanky2 Tue 27-Aug-13 14:00:55

I have heard of this before . The adoptive family ended up with 5adopted dc from the same parents . They had to decline the last 2 . sad A dreadful situation . I would end up adopting the sibling because I am soft .

Jaynebxl Tue 27-Aug-13 19:38:58

How are you feeling now OP? Thinking of you.

Bananaketchup Wed 28-Aug-13 07:11:31

Mama thinking of you, I've nothing helpful to say just I am thinking about you

lunar1 Wed 28-Aug-13 08:42:25

I can't imagine how hard this is for you, whatever you decide to do is your choice. You have to do what's best for your family.

Mama1980 Wed 28-Aug-13 09:47:41

Thanks everyone, i really appreciate the thoughts. i guess even though ss approached me about this a few months ago I was just blind sighted by how I felt seeing her again. We have moved so far past everything in the last few years it was a shock. I just wished for a moment that things could be different. confused
Getting a sgo for dd was so so difficult I was single and only 26 (I was originally her godmother, me and her bm are distantly related so I and always been in her life) I fought like hell i became one of those women who just kept yelling so loud they had to take notice of me. I did it because I knew it was best for my dd no way on earth was I abandoning her. But this is different I'm already assessed etc. they say the sgo with a view to later adoption would be relatively simple (in theory though as anyone with ss experience knows its never simple) given my position and circumstances I was shocked they would even consider me but apparently so. The cynical part of me thinks its partly because they know money is not a issue nor is space, I would be the easy option.
I just want what's best for this baby and my dd of course. She knows and knows what she wants but also understands the issues all too well. confused

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