Getting to the end of fertility journey!(21 Posts)
It is really weird but suddenly realised that my 'fertility' journey really is over and done with and it feels ...........WONDERFUL.
For a few months now have been intensively exploring adoption, thinking, talking, reading etc and currently doing prep group. Listening to others who have also come to the end of their fertility journey it is a reminder of how hard it was at times to be on it. I know that I made the decision in my head quite a whole ago, but it really feels now that the decision is made in my heart too. That hankering is gone.
I am sure that the people on Mumsnet adoption threads have been a massive help to me in this.
Good to see you are in a good place. And good luck with your new adventure
Good luck! I realised as well recently that adoption is no longer something we are hoping to do, it's something that's going to happen (well, as far as we're concerned anyway). It's a feeling that's both exciting and terrifying at the same time, I don't feel grown up enough (I'm ancient though).
It's a wonderful feeling, isn't it Italian? I remember going though my last ivf, having gone through counselling before it to come to terms with being at the end of the road, and with every scan, every injection, I was saying 'This is the last day 3 scan, this is the last trigger shot etc. It was exhillerating.
You're on a whole different road now and I hope the journey is easier.
Oh lovely Italian. We started the IVF route, but after months of tests were told that it wasn't for us. I didn't want to consider egg donation so that was the end of our journey. I was devastated, but there was some relief that we didn't have to go through it all. Three years later, as I sit looking at my DD, all I can think is thank goodness we went down the adoption route - it's not easy but so worth it. I am honestly glad that we couldn't conceive because we wouldn't have ended up with DD. She is perfect
apart from her absolute refusal to eat vegetables
Verity I still don't feel like I'm grown up, but am sure my DD appreciates the fact that mummy is very silly
Thanks so much, what wondeful words.
I am pretty ancient too Verity. I bet I beat you in the age stakes!!!
Verirty you are young! have pmed you.
I'm reading this with interest. I have been ttc for 2 years now. It's been a rather difficult time (as it is for everyone in this boat) but I had the misfortune last year to be diagnosed with a large fibroid, had major surgery to get rid, only to find when they opened me up there was nothing there. Recovery has been slow and we find ourselves unexplained. Added to that, I have a very tricky cervix and there are big question marks over whether an ivf transfer would be possible for me. It is time now for us to start fertility treatment - except I'm not sure I want to. I never thought at the start that I'd think this - but I just want to get on with starting a family and how that happens (ie having my own biological child) has started to become far less relevant. I'm also terrified of more hospital visits, procedures - last year was gruelling. The anxiety of this whole medical journey has been full on and I want that part to be over, I think. The thought if waiting another year after potentially failed treatment (and I have no faith in it working - gut feeling) to even start the adoption process is another factor. We could start our year of reflection and closure now and be ready to get on this time next year - or could I really let go that it could happen? Do I need to go back in contraception to really get closure? Probably.
I often read the adoption boards with interest and would find it really helpful to hear about how people arrived at the decision to start adopting - I'd love to hear from people who decided that ivf was not the right choice for them, or anyone really. I have so many questions but I never post here for fear of looking naive I think?!
Sorry italian this isn't meant to hijack your very uplifting thread and I can post this in a new thread if you like, only I just was really interested in talking to you at the point you have arrived at.
Rabbit , I had the coil fitted when I decided to start the adoption application process.
I can't explain how liberated I suddenly felt after 8 years of TTC to know 100% that I would not be able to conceive.
It had taken two operations , 4 IVF cycles and one non assisted conception that ended in miscarriage before I decided that enough was enough.
All of a sudden I felt in control of my life.I felt positive and went from wondering if I'd ever be a mother to knowing with certainly that if I was patient it would happen within 2 years. ( in the end it took 18 months from applying to bringing DS home)
The whole adoption process for me and my DH was easy compared to what we had been through before. I'd even go as far as saying that we enjoyed the process. ( I know that's not normal!)
rabbitonthemoon thanks for your comments and I am so very sorry you went through that whole procedure. I can't say when it is right for you but I can tell you a few bits about me and you can feel free to ask me anything on here or to pm me, or to start a new thread asking your specific question because you might get more responses that way.
I have thought about adoption for about 20 years so it was not a new thing to me at all. We had tried for a short time with natural attempts and then two IUI cycles before our DD was born 8 years ago. When she was little we discussed adoption and decided to try again for another baby. I had an early missed miscarriage by natural pregnancy. I had six and a half years of treatment which included IUI, IVF attempt with my own eggs, iui with donor eggs and a frozen IUI cycle with donor eggs. We spent a lot if time and money and energy on it all. It was very hard. BUT I am not sorry I did it and I feel that for me I needed to go through all that to be ready. Adoption was a very natural choice as I always wanted to adopt but I had wanted to have one more baby myself first. Now that has not happened I have come to terms very quickly with the fact that it has not. BUT two years ago we did dip our toe in the waters of adoption and I was simply not ready, I was very needy and raw coming out of a failed IVF attempt with donor eggs and I just was not ready for the whole thing.
My only suggestion to you is to read all you can about treatment and adoption an to see what you and your partner/husband feel is right. Ou local authority told us we had to be out of fertility treatment for 6 months and when we saw them after the 6 months we could have started out prep group the following month! So the wait really was not so great. I do also feel that your age might be a factor. If you are a lot older then you may feel you have less time to explore this but if you are in (say for example) your thirties, you might feel time is on your side. I must also say that as I do have a biological genetic child it was not such a great big decision to make in terms of not having a genetic child etc. I think you do need to grieve the whole process of not having a birth child if this is your choice. As much as you want it all to start soon, please do take it all seriously, if you start the adoption route and then the need to try or a baby rears its head you will have to stop and explore that and so you won't get to here you want to any quicker (in my opinion) unless you really are ready to leave the birth child route at this point, and that is not something you can rush. It is also very important (in my opinion) that you and your DH are committed together. For example there are other options such as using a surrogate, which you may not at all like the idea of but you want to just at least think about (expensive I know and not something most people do) but I am just mentioning it because I think it is good to consider everything so when you are in the adoption process you have thought it all through. You can also, if I right??) go to an adoption information evening at any time, even if you are not ready yet, and pick up information and start thinking through all the issues.
All the best - phew, very long, apologies!
Thank you both so much for your thoughtful replies. You have both been through such challenging journeys and I'm so glad you are in better places. Angels I can understand that the coil was a necessary thing to close the lid on the constant cycle of hope and wondering. Italian, I am just turned 36. So, time left for giving ivf a shot but also I'm very aware of the sand running through the timer. You have really helped me more than you will know. In my heart, I think I'm not ready to let go of experiencing pregnancy and making a baby with my DH. However, DH has very close experience of adoption and we have always considered adoption as part of our journey in having a family, even prior to ttc (although in our naive dreams, this was to be child number three!). Last year I arrived at the very firm decision that if we were lucky enough to conceive, I would go back on contraception (not sterilisation no more ops thank you!) and we would then adopt. I never want to go through this again. I just want this to end and to start being myself again, rather than being washed through with this engrained feeling of want and emptiness from dawn til night. I want to be dome witht his waiting, with a future with children in it imminent. My entire career has been centred around children, with lots of experience with looked after children and yet I know that this has probably only hinted at the things I need to understand. But patience has never been my virtue and you are so right, if I was to rush it wouldn't be right. And I think I'm going to take your advice and go to an evening just to explore our feelings of where we are at with things. I have so many questions that feel so delicate to ask. Like can I request that we would love to adopt a child under 18 months? Does me ex really have to be contacted even if he was physically violent towards me? Will my past history of anorexia be a huge problem? (I'm 100 per cent ok now). I'm not sure where to pose these questions. I'm so sorry for rambling! It's just one if those thinky thinky days.
Hi Rabbit. If you get a good agency / LA, you an ask any questions you want - they will be glad to answer. From our discussions with our social worker (we are just at the start of our adoption journey), you can ask for a younger child but you might have a longer wait. 18 months shouldn't be too bad though, but the average age is about 3 years 9 months (ish). Ex-partners are contacted, but there might be exceptions if you're afraid for your safety. And a specialist would have to advise on whether you are over you're past problems.
Whatever you decide to do, good luck.
ItalianG - I've read your posts on here for ages and I don't think I can think of anyone who is more ready for this than you are. I wish you the very best on your adoption journey
Kiriwawa what a lovely thing to say to me, thank you.
rabbitonthemoon glad to have helped, feel free to pm me. I think Verity has said it all. There are babies and young children around but sometimes there is developmental delay and incertainty so you need to think about the kind of children who will be around for adoption and explore that whole area and maybe you do know lots so that is good. If you wanted to have adopted children and birth children you are not too late, 36 is not too old for either. I am pretty sure you would need to explore and close the fertility chapter before you start the adoption chapter. I am assuming you are with a clinic already so can ask them all the questions. Did you get to the bottom of why they thought there was a fibroid when there was not? I think that is an important thing to find out for yourself. Why do you think your treatment would not work?? Best to explore all this. How does your husband think?
uncertainty not incertainty!
Thanks Italian for being so giving on what was your celebratory thread
The flimsy answer is that I had a rare uterine cyst that ruptured during a rectal exam three weeks before the op. they found nothing, in spite of having seen a photo of it on the lap and MRI mapping. It's been hard to understand, I have a healthy but very retroverted uterus. I don't know why I feel so pessimistic about treatment - maybe its because last year felt so full of disappointment, or just facing up to the odds of success and limited funds. Dh would like us to try treatment so that we can say we tried all options but also is totally behind me if I feel I just can't do it. He is luckily a massive optimist. I'm seeing my cons in a months time. He had hoped we'd do it naturally in the six months post op but nothing changed. I will be following your journey, I've seen you on other threads. You are so lovely, it's great to see you so positive and looking forward.
Thanks verity for answering my questions. I wouldn't fear for my safety but he was not a nice man really, in many many ways.
So happy to hear you are in this good place lovely Italian
Thanks rabbit what a kind thing to say.
Why not make a list, pros and cons of this and that. Talk to DH and see what comes up, be totally open to whatever. Fertility treatment is a rollercoaster but if it is right then go for it, but if it is not then don't at the end of the day it is your body. You could still try adoption after treatment or after a baby, but if you do not do it then that will be it for life, if that thought fills you with delighht or fills you with dread you may be part way towards working out what is going on. Plus I do recommend you read a book, but I have given it away so I can't find the title, I will get it off someone and put it here or pm you.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.