Now I understand about the age gap rule

(12 Posts)
ChoccyJules Fri 02-Nov-12 17:46:59

It is not the same situation as both children are untouched by trauma, however my DD (4) has had her cousin (4.5) staying this week.

Oh the tantrums! Younger one (DD) needs to be first, finish first, etc etc. I think it's a mixture of currently being an only child (though I wouldn't say spoilt) and the very real rivalry between them, both wanting to be better for some reason.

DD has just messed about while DN made a bracelet (they both had the same stuff to do this with) then howled when DN finished and she had barely started. She is usually a whizz at bracelets. Then DN cries and wants to go home...!

There have been similar episodes at the park. Always DD getting into a strop over something inconsequential (or even impossible).

Anyway, as someone looking seriously at adopting to complete our family (DH and I discussed this before marriage as I have always been keen to adopt) I now see that DD will need to be in a totally different age-band to any adopted sibling. I had heard this from SWs but have now seen it play out in reality, and as I said, without either child having other issues connected to experiences in care/ birth parents.

Am glad I have seen a bit of reality on this one!

(and any expertise from you experienced folk on how to deal with such flare-ups welcome!)

cedar12 Fri 02-Nov-12 19:18:28

Hi, we have a 7 year gap between birth dd and adopted ds. A bigger gap definatley works for us. Me and dh can both give them one to one attention. Ds has me to himself whilst dd is at school, then when ds has gone to bed dd gets 1 1/2 hours of just me and dh.
I am glad we waited as i dont think it would have worked so well otherwise. Good luck with your adoption journey.

Lilka Fri 02-Nov-12 19:22:49

Oh dear choccy!! I hope your DD had a good time regardless and enjoyed having her cousin over. I hope you're enjoying a well earned rest now as well grin

Personally, I like the age gap mine have, crucially the 9 years between DD2 and DS. She would never cope with having a sibling around her own age. Obviously thats a very large gap, and many children seem to benefit from having a smaller gap than that

I think it's great you've had this insight into your DD now, and you can go forward knowing that a larger gap is better

Lilka Fri 02-Nov-12 19:24:03

cut off

...a larger gap is better for your family

Hi ChoccyJules a long while ago my work collegague's daughter came to stay for a whole day, it was the first time she and my DD had met and they were both 5. They are both only children and the day was a nightmare power struggle which ended with me being VERY relived to see my colleague return to college her adorable, beautiful and very head-strong daughter away from my adorable, beautiful and very head-string daughter! I think sometimes the differences do help!

Cedar just curious and feel free not to answer or to pm me, but did you chose a ds after a dd, choosing the other gender on purpose or did it just work out that way. Sorry to be nosy but we have a DD and will be looking at a 5-7 year age gap so just trying to work out how things work best!

Thanks.

Devora Fri 02-Nov-12 21:56:03

There is a 4 year gap between my dds, and I think it works well. In some ways it would work better with an even larger gap - I think it would be easier for dd1 to understand how to talk about adoption, and why, for example - but if we'd left it any later I would be drawing my pension.

Italian, I know you were asking Cedar and not me, but we were only approved for a girl, because we lived in a 2 bed flat and the children would have had to share a room (though we did in fact move to a larger place before placement). That was fine with us because we secretly wanted a girl, though if we'd been given the choice we would have said either because we wouldn't want to tempt fate/ piss off the gods/ come across as shallow to the social workers smile

Devora I was dead set on wanting another girl but chat with people like Lilka, Kew and others on here made me see the benefits of either. I also want to be open about it. I guess I am just a mass of questions! We are getting closer, training in January. I feel so much better and more ready now.

Sorry to but in ChoccyJules!

best wishes to all.

Devora Sat 03-Nov-12 00:18:52

I've written this before, IGH - apologies if it was to you - but I was really anxious for a long time about having children at all because I wanted a girl so badly. I thought that maybe I shouldn't take the 'risk' of having a boy, as it wouldn't be fair to him.

Then one day, it was like a lightbulb going on in my head, I realised that it was perfectly ok to have a preference for a girl, so long as I realised that my preference was completely irrelevant to what was going to happen in reality. Because in most cases a preference for one or other sex is simply about all the assumptions we make about what having a son will mean, or a daughter, and nothing to do with the real human being who will emerge. Just as we have no control over whether we will conceive a boy or girl, so we have to accept that our children are individuals who bring their own unique individuality to the table - not a set of predetermined characteristics that we can order off a menu.

Once I realised this, I relaxed (and conceived a girl). With adoption, I felt again that I wanted a girl, but felt quite calm about acknowledging that preference and NOT acting on it.

So I got girls. If I'd had boys, I would have loved and treasured them just as much.

Thanks Devora I feel the same way now, much more relaxed about it all.

cedar12 Sat 03-Nov-12 08:56:08

Just about go out will reply later

FamiliesShareGerms Sat 03-Nov-12 18:58:57

We've got 4.5 years between DS and DD. We had originally wanted a smaller gap (eg the "standard" 2 years) but in fact the bigger gap has been brilliant. As others say, there's just not the rivalry that is part and parcel of being at roughly the same developmental stage. That's not to say that they don't argue about who gets to sit on my lap, or who finished their teeth first, or whose sandwich is bigger...

KristinaM Sat 03-Nov-12 20:47:52

What a wise post devora

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