Adoption after IVF - advice, please

[Italiangreyhound]

Hi all, I've posted on here a bit before and met some of you. We have a birth DD aged 7 and have tried for many years to give her a sibling, and ourselves another child (using first IUI and then IVF). It has not worked and now we have very happily decided to stop and to pursue adoption or fostering.

We know we need to wait 6 months before we apply to be considered to start the process.

Please can I ask for advice on how best we can use this time to prepare?

For example, I weigh too much so I am starting on an increased exercise drive - in the words of the Tracey Chapman song 'staring from zero got nothing to lose' springs to mind ? I mean in terms of zero exercise! My DD and DH are very fit and slim so we are not an overweight family but I do eat too much and so I am attending a weight loss group run by my local health service to help sort out the overeating as well.

I am also going to take advantage of some free counselling from the fertility clinic to help me move on from thinking in 'infertility ?mode to looking to the future. And to be able to show that I have taken steps to move on.

What else can we do, please, either individually, as a couple or as a family to prepare ourselves so when we can go ahead we are in the best place?

Many thanks in advance.

[Italiangreyhound]

I should also say that my DH and I are both very relieved to have gotten off the IVF ?unmerry-go-round? (which I feel is a better description that the word 'rollercoaster' ? the word usually used!).

When my DD was very little (under 2) and we first found out about our fertility problems we did look into adoption and we were told as our DD was too young we could not do anything at that time, I did wait a couple of years but was told she was still too young so we ended up doing IVF etc. We did look at adoption again a couple of years ago but really I was not in the right place at all emotionally to start the process.

Any advice about how best to use this time wisely would really help.

[Lilka]

Hi again Italian :)

I think the counselling is a great idea, and I think SS tend to look at that in a very good light

I think generally you can read up about adoption and adoption issues, and parenting traumatised children. I personally think 'Real parents, Real children' by Holly van Gulden is a great book, but there are lots of good ones. Always check your library before buying anything, made that mistake myself. If you love a book, you can buy it later, some are pretty expensive. Some people only ever read one (or none!), some people like me have a mini library which takes up a whole shelf

For me, although I was slim when I adopted DD1, my DD1 WAS a weight loss program Running around after her knocked so much off me, that my friend was asked if I might be getting an eating disorder!!! Luckily my penchant for unhealthy food eventually brought my weight up again. Now after DS, I am getting plump. And I have grey hairs. And hot flushes

Anyway, best of luck with the weight loss :)

The other thing is, these are the last couple of years you will be a family of three, so enjoy it :) Do things together you won't be able to do when a slightly younger child is once again in the house, and make lots of good memories. I recommend that to anyone going through the process

[Italiangreyhound]

Wow Lilka that is fabulous.

Thanks for the advice.

There is a tiny bit of me that thinks I can't wait for it all to happen and for the future to be here BUT I know that if it is to work out well that I need to take each step very carefully and deliberately. I really want to learn along the way, so that I am ready for it.

My DH is supportive and my DD has already asked about adopting someone.

I do now understand why it would have been impossible to adopt when my DD was so young.

I?m still pondering the whole boy or girl thing, which I am sure, will come up at some point. How do things work out with two of children being girls and one boy and with (am I right in thinking that) two are biological siblings, does it make any differences?

Feel free not to answer if you prefer not to.

[Italiangreyhound]

Bran thank you so much, will definitely look into the book.

[Lilka]

No, it's fine to ask :) I've never had all three living at home at the same time, because there's such a large age gap (19 years between DD1 and DS, and he ddin't come home till she was 21). I don't think DS minds being the only boy, especially as he's only living with one sister. I don't think that DD2 and DS are closer to each other either, even if they are biological siblings. They never knew each other before he arrived, and they both love DD1 coming around or going to hers. DD2 can't get hair and make-up tips or have a girly day out with DS (!) so she does all that with her older sister, and DD1 is the only sister who could babysit DS and take him out, so he's built up a close bond with her. DD2 argues and fights more with DS, mainly because he's younger and taking attention away from her, which she struggles with sometimes. She would prefer to be with DD1 any day if asked.

I'm thinking that you're going to adopt one child? Of course the sibling question might come up later, that's what happened with my DS, but at first it will just be your DD plus new child. Don't feel pressured to pick either a boy or a girl, and my advice is to get approved for both if you aren't certain, and then look at both boys and girls, and see what happens

[Italiangreyhound]

Thanks Lilka that is fabulous. I am so excited but nervous, I guess it is a good time to have to wait, we have the whole summer and it will be full of fun and before I know it it will be autumn!

Any tips on how to tell DD that there will definetly not be a baby in my tummy but we might adopt? How to word it so she knows it might not happen!

[NanaNina]

I wouldn't say anything at all to your DD at this stage. I find that children expect things to happen tomorrow and don't have the same understanding of time as adults. Sorry I'm sure you knew this.

Bear in mind that there can be a long wait for the right "match" to come alone post approval. Maybe not say anything very much until you know for certain that a child is being matched with you. I know this sounds like she will not be prepared, so perhaps talking about mummies who can't keep their babies because they are ill, and other people adopting them (obviously explaining briefly what that means)

She could well be 9 by the time you have a child placed with you and she may well be jealous of having to share you with her adopted (sister) I would say, as I think girls of that age tend to like girls more than boys. There are lots of books for children about adoption (mainly for adopted children) but there should be something for birth children. If you go on "British Agencies for Fostering & Adoption "BAAF" or Adoption UK you should find some suitable books.

[Italiangreyhound]

NanNina thank you that is most helpful. I can see that the wait could be very long for her and it is best not to talk about it too soon.