Mumsnet Talk

hi all,

we adopted our 5 year old twin DD's when they were 11 months old and things are going really well for us all, however, we are struggling with my dad, during the adoption process he voiced concern about his ability to love adopted grandchildren in the same way as he would love biological one, (even though he has step grandchildren who he claims to love).

anyway fast forward to the girls arriving and he appears to of formed a bond with the girls, however, recently he has started to become very negative about the girls if they are struggling to deal with any past issues and often says "oh for god sake when are they going to be over this" i have tried explaining to him that it is a long process and that there may always be issues and have given him books to read etc but he is just not interested. over christmas he started saying that i was still young and could still have fertility treatment so i could have a " proper one of my own" and that he hopes my sister manages to have a biological child so he has some " proper grandchildren".

i am just not sure about the best way to deal with this,
thankfully he lives 300 miles away so contact is limited and i made sure at christmas that he was not left with the girls so couldn't say anything that would upset them but where do i go from here?

TIA

twinmummy

I think keeping a polite distance is the only way. The only people who will be upset are your children and you if you make a big deal out of it.

For what it's worth, I have this with dh's family, including his sister who referred to her children as her dad's "real grandchildren" - obviously mine aren't real .

I avoid her, change the subject if it is raised and only challenge if it is said in front of the kids (including picking them up and walking out when I got pregnant out of the blue and she asked "now that you are having one of your own will you give the other two back").

I have come to the conclusion that she is spectacularly thick, and stay away from her.

I can no longer to arsed to even try to "educate" them, I am lucky in that my own parents accept and love my children unconditionally and make no difference between any of their grandchildren.

Sorry but he is a tool

Kayano - i completely agree!

guess i was just hoping that someone would be along with a pearl of wisdom which would make him see the error of his ways.

think its time to put some serious distance between us.

Oh, he is definitely a tool .

But unfortunately I have discovered that most tools are uneducateable, when it comes to adoption, so I find the ignore and avoid system is easier to manage.

Could you not sit your father down and tell him that you appreciate his point of view but that it means the world to you for him to accept the situation and that it breaks your heart every time he makes such comments? Perhaps you could ask him to imagine himself in your situation or in that of your children and bring to his mind how much feelings can be hurt by saying hurtful words? People often just chatter away without 'walking in the other man's shoes' so to speak and once they grasp how it would feel to them they get where they have gone wrong. If you tell him that you love your girls as much as he loves you and that you need him on your side in this, do you think he might mellow? Personally, I think I would try to appeal to his feelings and sense of honour and family before cutting him out and explain to him how important his role as a grandfather is, especially in this case. Sometimes people have to be empowered a bit. If eventually it turns out to be really hopeless, then you can work on reducing contact but it may be better for you to try and see where he is coming from in order to help him overcome his obstacles here. Acceptance is unbelievably difficult sometimes but maybe all of you can try that path first? He may yet turn out to be a fabulous grandfather to his little granddaughters! Fingers crossed and good luck!

I have found that the best way to survive is to surround myself with those who understand that my children are mine, but have issues that cannot be 'corrected' by a) love b) smacking or c) giving up.

(Just to clarify point a), my daughter has quite severe attachment issues and FAS. No amount of love will cure her, but it will help us to deal with the effects)

It is hard to distance yourself from those you used to be close to... at first. When they have hurt your, and your childrens' feelings for the umpteenth time, it somehow becomes much easier

And what shockers said.

Sweetspice, I have found that sitting people down and explaining in words of one syllable ends up with me in tears and them looking at me like .

There are unfortunately a significant number of people in the world who simply do not believe that adoptive parents love their children in the same way as birth parents do. And trying to convince them just makes them think "oh they are only saying that because they think they love their children, but of course if they had birth children they would then know what real love is".

It's very sad

it is so hard, i have tried talking to him many times both during the process and since the girls have been placed with us but as Maryz says he just assumes i cant feel the love i do for my girls, what i find most hurtful is the implication that they are some how not good enough.
when his step son's wife had a baby they visited the next weekend following the birth yet when the girls were placed it took them weeks to visit, looking back i guess things weren't ok even at placement.
my girls are the most precious things in the world to me and dh and it hurts that he cant see that.
thanks for reading my rants, its nice to talk to people who understand

I agree with those that have said you won't be able to change him. It is very sad, but often a fact of life when you adopt.
People who we thought would be a good support to us have not been seen for dust, yet others have surprised me with their understanding and compassion.
When we adopted our first two girls, my sister in law got pregnant with her fourth baby, both she and my brother said to my mum. " have another real grandchild" goes without saying, we don't have much contact with them!
I also think the older generation find it difficult to talk openly about adoption and the difficulties. I know my mum does not want to talk about the girls past almost hoping if she doesn't talk about it, it will go away.

Huge sympathies. There are a lot of people around who simply do not see adoption as 'real' parenting, and who are suspicious of adopted children. My grandfather sat me down two weeks before placement to implore me to call the whole thing off - "you just don't know what you're getting" etc.

What to do? Well, first thing is to be really clear that your priority is to keep this well away from your girls - if that means creating distance, so be it. Only you can judge if it is worth discussing with your dad how his behaviour hurts you (if you do, just remember that you can't tell him what to feel, but you can ask him not to behave in certain ways).

Really for you.

Twinmummy - surround the girls with people who love them as them, whatever their relationship with you. Ditch the others. Even if you 're-educate', how could you ever truly know their feelings about your girls?
I was adopted - my fathers side always made the distinction between 'blood' and 'others' - so did some of the older relics in my mum's side. We were even disinherited as we were not blood. My opinion is good riddance to bad rubbish.
I have as family those who want me as family - and our bonds are as strong as any family.

I'm very lucky - my mum embraces DS 100% as her grandson, she loves him unreservedly and cries when she thinks about his birth mother and what he is missing by never knowing her (don't get me wrong that can be irritating but I use it as an example of how she does understand that there are issues around adoption which are not so easy to "cure").

If she had ever said (or even intimated) that she doesn't think of DS as my real son, I would be very clear with her "he is the only one I am ever going to have, I love him and I am very lucky to have him", if this didn't do the trick then I would explain to her that if she was unable to see DS as a joy to have around and someone positive who brings a great deal to the family however he got here, then I would need to keep her away form him in future as no child deserves to grow up feeling that they aren't quite enough.

In terms of getting him to understand that there are still issues to be worked through, I'm not sure you can. Some people don't get it and they probably won't ever because they haven't through it and they don;t have enough empathy to imagine how it would affect them.

Many people don't understand if I tell them that DS has separation issues relating to his adoption, some even refuse to believe it (though these days I don't make the mistake of telling them). Sometimes I will explain to people that although DS was adopted quite young (1yr old) and wasn't neglected of abused before that, what other children for the first year of their life learnt was that their parent cared for them, feed them, played with them, kept them warm and shushed them when they were scared or cuddled them if they needed it. What DS learnt was that everyone leaves. Eventually. Some quicker than others but they all leave - some leave and come back then leave again and some leave and never reappear. It has left a mark, healing maybe but not healed. People with empathy, when I phrase it that way, suddenly get it. Those with no empathy don;t... "but that was 5 yrs ago and he's very attached to you "

give up the adoption scars issue - he will never get it, don;t discuss it with him just dismiss it (if he notices) as normal behaviour in 5/6/7 year old.

Whether its worth the energy for the "be nice or shove off" talk or not only you can judge.

I should add that it puzzles me this "blood relative" business. Most people marry someone who isn't a blood relative and seem perfectly happy to treat them as a full part of the family, why not so with children? Unless they're advocating that you should only marry cousins



People are odd.

And anyway it doesn't matter what others in the family feel, they should respect what you feel, it isn't up to them.