Mumsnet Talk

My husband are considering adopting a baby girl 9-10 months old but some concerns have been flagged up to us concerning her development. My social worker has just told me about this site and suggested I post to see if anyone has been in a similar situation.

The little girl is currently crawling, albeit commando style (so she isn't crawling on all fours equally), but is currently unable to sit unaided so they think there may be issue with her core strength. Apart from a weakness in one of her legs at birth (which has been improved with physio) no other physical issues have been diagnosed. Her mother was a crack cocaine addict - and of course with a lot of adoptions these days developmental delay of some sort is almost a given - but our social worker feels that this little girl's low core strength is at the top end of developmental delay. She is doing well in all other areas now - bonding, sleeping, eating etc (at 5 months she suddenly showed improvements in all areas - medical professionals have been keeping a close eye on her), although she is a low weight (but her birth parents are of slight build). She has been with one foster family since she was discharged from hospital at 5 days' old.

We have fallen in love with her, but want to make sure we are armed with as much knowledge as poss before progressing. I wonder if anyone has any experience of adopting a child with similar issues, and whether these have then improved or as the child has grown more issues have come to light? As our social worker says, in a child so young it is so difficult to know what this may mean in the longer term!

Thank you!

Millie

No experience but perhaps ask about the health issues in childrens health topic instead. May get more replies

Good idea - thanks!

Do you know much about the babies mother or father eg do either have a history of learning/developmental problems?

Are you prepared ( and approved for ) to adopt a baby with log term learning and physical disabilities? I think it would be risky to assume that permanence will solve these everythihg. Nit saying that you think tnis, but some people do. And she has been with one fc since birth, so its more likely that developmental delays are related to her exposure to drugs or inherited problems, rather than neglect in care

We know a bit about the mother and father - neither have history of learning or developmental problems.

We're not setting out at this stage to adopt a child with severe disabilities (and have no illusion how difficult this could be from the experiences of some of our friends), although would consider a child with mild disabilities, and of course if any child we had placed with us then turned out to have more serious issues than initially thought we would care for them no matter what - I just want to make sure we know as much as we can at this stage and this will help us to decide whether or not to proceed in the case of this little girl (we're still at a very early age of registering a possible interest).

Thats good yiu have some background knowledge. Sounds like the main risk is babys exposure to drugs . My advice is to try to be as detached and factual as possible. Deciide on the level and types of risks you are willijg to take and try to stick it it. Read as much as you can around the subject. You need to become ecperts as there is little ro no chance that those advsing you will be .

Most social workers or Medical advisors will have no idea how the children they have placed turn out in the lomg term. Usually once the adoption order is granted they never see the child again, unless the family adopt another child. Even then, most " soft " brain damage doesnt get diagnosed until the child is at least 7, although the parenst are usually aware of problems for years befroe.

Try not to lose your heart to a profile. Many families go through this process more thna a dozen times befroe they find their own child. It can be gruelling. Remember that adopting a child whose needs you cant meet does no one any favours.

I should have asked -does baby have any other signs of cerebral palsy or neuro muscular disorder?

I was going to ask about CP too.

My DS was very similar to how you describe this baby at 11 months. Not sitting up unaided very floppy etc. HOWEVER - he was a 26 week premmie (so biologically 8 months rather than 11) and had been institutionalised at birth without a single day of one to one care and the rule of thumb is one month delay for every three months of institutional care. So he was actually reasonable age appropriate given his background.

Even so the neo-natal/adoption medical specialist I consulted assessed that he had approx 20% chance of mild to moderate cerebralpalsy and that it wouldnt be clear until he was walking. I took him on the basis that I have some experience of children with cp and felt that I would cope OK with moderate or mild CP if it came to that. Severe CP was ruled out on the basis that there would already have been more signs of it by that age.

I'm not sure how much that helps.

oh and DS commando crawled and never did crawl "properly" and walked on the late side.

Another friends baby had similar symptoms without the prematurity and has low muscle tone through his childhood so far (now 4), it hasn;t resolved completely but is improved and he walks and runs normally is a bit uncoordinatedly.

but no history of maternal drug abuse in either case which may make all the difference.

My lo didnt sit up until she was 10 months old and crawled when she was 12 months, she is physical fine now no problems so she might just need a bit more time and it will all come to her

What Kristina said "remember adopting a child whose needs you can't meet does no-one any favours".

While in foster care she will get medical care (physio for example) at no cost to the foster carers. I would at a minimum find out how much support you would get for her - medical and financial - after any adoption goes through.

I understand exactly what you say about adopting a child with extra needs. I do think there is a huge difference between adopting/giving birth to a child, and dealing with any problems that arise, and deliberately choosing to adopt a child who will need ongoing care for life. Especially if you don't know (and you can't know at this stage) how much extra care she will need.

Do you have other children? Don't let your heart get in the way of your head on this. I think you need an independent expert medical examination (if that is possible) so that you can make a decision about the future with your eyes open.

Don't let social workers pressurise you or guilt you into making a decision you are not 100% convinced is the right one.

All the best .

Thank you for all your posts. We don't have any other children at the moment, so not only is this a huge decision anyway, we don't have anything apart from developmental charts and advice to gauge progress etc against, which is why it's been helpful to hear your views. We've also asked about the possibility of CP - our social worker's going to check, although she thinks this may already have been ruled out.

We're going to see if there's any more info we can find out at this stage ...

I think you need an independent paediatric assessment.

I wonder would they let you do that privately?

And don't be guilted into feeling that you are doing a medical because you want a perfect baby. You don't - you want to know where you stand so that you can make an informed decision as to whether you can meet this baby's medical needs. Which is sensible.

we insisted on more tests for dd2 before we made our decision, they obliged, we needed to know what we were dealing with and she hadnt had the viral tests that would be normally taken in england.

dd1 also commando crawled and didnt walk until 22months,she had gross motor delay and loose hips. i took her to a private gp once we had adopted her and he advised us to make sure she was active each day,on the slide at the park,balancing on walls etc. shes fine now.

if you have got this far im sure they will consider a more in depth assessment of her health.

Some more medical reports came through on Tues which raised concerns with our social worker, so she came round last night to talk to us. Basically it looks as though there are a lot more issues than were apparent from the initial reports - including a strong possibility of fetal alcohol syndrome which we don't feel equipped to deal with. So the long and short of it is we've decided to pull out ( - it was a really hard decision as we had totally fallen in love with her photo, but I'm sure there is a perfect family out there for her somewhere ...

Sorry - that was meant to be a sad face - obviously we're certainly not feeling really happy right now! That will teach me not to preview before posting a message ...

Sorry Millie - its a tough haul (though I must confess that your instead of did make me )

I think every stage is hard but this "so near and yet so far" stage is the pits.

Thanks.

(I really must get to grips with my smileys! )

You are absolutely right to make that decision, and I admire your courage and your honesty.

There is no point in anyone adopting a child that they know they will have difficulty parenting. It is very different to deal with difficulties as they arise; that can happen with parenting any child, birth or adopted, but to knowingly adopt a child who will have ongoing medical needs involves a lot more thought than falling in love with a photo.

I'm sure there are children out there in the future who will fit into your family .

(if that makes sense).

Thanks for updating us millie. Lots of us have been there and know how hard it is. Its also very hard to discuss with bio parenst as many of them cant understand and can be quite judgemental. They get to chose their childrens bio parenst, the time and circumstances of conception, to have proper ante natal care and all the tests etc they wish, to refrain from drugs, alcohol and cigarttes during pregnancy , to Bf and bond with their baby befroe and immediatly aftre birth, to keep the child safe, well and loved.

And then they say stuff like " WE didnt get any choices like YOU, you know, we just had to take what we were given"

Its because of these attitudes that this a very hidden part of the adoption journey. I hope this a safe space to talk abiut these things and hopefully get some support.

I have no experience with core problems in babies, but I think she maybe just needs a little extra time....and maybe some extra exercises from physio etc to help if the problem still persists x best of luck!!!

Hi ,
We had a similar experience to you, only it was 2 little boys with all sorts of problems, we read their profiles met with FC, and health professionals. we really wanted it to work, but you have to go with your head not your heart.
The decision was really hard but we decided not to proceed. Which was heartbreaking,
Now we have a beautiful 2 year old little boy, who moved in last week!! has no problems (except few emotional )
Which is understandable.
He was worth the wait,

Thanks - that's good to know. Congrats re your new addition, hope you all settle together quickly