Mumsnet Talk

DS handles conversations about his adoption pretty well, we have rehearsed in the past what he says when people ask why he doesn't look like me or why he doesn't have a Dad. And it has been relatively fine with his peers as they have been too young to enquire too much.

For example - questions about why he looks different have been dealt with just be saying DS was born in Kazakhstan and lots of people who were born there look like DS. Works pretty well with 3/4/5 year olds.

Why don't you have a Dad - either "we don't have a Dad in our family" or "My father lives in Kazakhstan we don't see him"

Teacher has told me that it came up in his group about why he was adopted and he explained "that having a baby was very hard work and not everyone can do it so I grew in someones tummy but she was very young and I live with my mum now" - which I actually thought wasn't too bad an explanation as off the cuff ones go from a 6 year old! I'l skate over the part where he appears to think that his birth father is still living in the baby house DS was at...

Anyway one of his friends on way home to play at ours raises the adoption thing again and asks the same questions he has asked before. I think DS is losing patience with it although the questions aren't malicious they do emphasize to him that he is different and he doesn't like it being discussed publicly (very happy to talk to me about it).

So I think the time has come to teach him a way of telling people he knows (not strangers) that he doesn't want to discuss it.

I seem to remember from reading that its one of the WISE UP options - how does a 6 year old say nicely to his friends/class "I don't want to discuss it - its private" when most of them have no concept of the meaning of private at this age!

Sorry thats a bit of an essay but its bugging me.

I'd be very interested in respnses, as I'm experiencing pretty much the same with DS now (DS is 6, nearing 7). He's mostly fine with strangers but doesn't know how to tell his friends to back off without offending them. With DD's they were old enough to have responses like 'I know you mean well, but I don't really want to talk about it' - but of course that doesn't work with 6 year olds! I told him to say 'I don't want to talk about it' but he was worried about saying that and wouldn't tell me why?

Lilka - is he in Yr 1 or 2?

He's in Yr 2. To be honest it's worse now than in Y1, because they're more inquisitive, and DS is not confident. I think a more confident boy might be able to deal with telling them to back off, but he seems to be very fearful of any kind of confrontation. i don't think there would be one, nad they might lose interest, but he doesn't think so

I'm looking forward to responses too. dd2 is too young to have to handle this, but dd1 is finding the constant questioning very difficult.

I dont want to talk abiut it any more

My mum says i dont have to talk aboutit if i dont want to

Please stop talking/asking me about it

My mum says that if yiu need to knwo anythijg, youve to ask her ( this one good for adults, although a bit lomg for a 6yo)

Wise programme v good for when he is older( not sure of minimum age)

I think min age is 7 from memory - he will certainly be going asap as he is a "talker" IYSWIM, his problem is knowing how/when to stop!

"My mum says i dont have to talk aboutit if i dont want to" - this might be a good one for him. Think I will have a chat with him about it tomorrow - should work with adult and children, friends and strangers.

Sorry i cant find my WISE handbook. Although i did find a large pile of out of date magazibes and catalogues for the recycling so still a useful exercise

Thanks kew for reminder of new year resolution no. 37 " clear out study" and no38 " be more organised"

Sorry i cant find my WISE handbook. Although i did find a large pile of out of date magazibes and catalogues for the recycling so still a useful exercise

Thanks kew for reminder of new year resolution no. 37 " clear out study" and no38 " be more organised"

It doesn't actually get any easier either, because some kids just won't accept "I don't want to talk about it" as an answer.

Everyone in my children's primary school knew my kids were adopted, it was never an issue, and I always just gave the type of answers that you have. But when dd started in secondary she decided that she wouldn't tell people, because she didn't want to field questions.

They had only been there a month when a friend from primary took it upon herself to suddenly announce (at lunch of all places) that dd was adopted. Which resulted in about 100 kids asking "is it true" "who are your real parents" "will you go and find them" "is your brother your real brother" etc etc.

And the use of the words "I don't really know" or "I don't want to talk about it made some of them be overly sympathetic "oh, that must be very sad for you" "what a shame your mum must miss you" etc etc.

She got really upset, because they just wouldn't give up. It took about a month, a crying session in class, and her housemistress telling them to shut up to let it all calm down.

I have never heard of WISE - must have a google.

Wise book here

Thanks Kristina - I'll get that.