Adopting with a 4yr old birth child

[lettingitallgonow]

Hi, we're just starting to look at adoption. We've been TTC for about 12 months now with no luck. Adoption is something I've always wanted to do and now it seems an idea time. I feel we've got a good environment to offer a child but also know that it won't be all plain sailing.

I'm trying to look at this without the Rose tinted glasses so would appreciate anyones experiences especially with a birth child.

Our DD has just turned 4 so we'd be looking at a toddler going by the 2 year difference guidelines, has anyone had experience of adopting a child of this age?

[Kristingle]

I think it might be a bit early for you to be considering adoption TBH. You need to have fininshed all TTc and assisted conveption AND counselling befroe any agwncy will consider assessing you for adoption. Some insist on a waiting period of 2years. You cant carry on TTC and run adoption as a plan B

Its quite expensixe for an agwncy to assess a family, so they only do this if they are likely to be able to place a child with you. Experince shows that most peopple in your situation drop out, either because they get pg or when they discover the risks of adoption

This only applies if you wish to adopt a high demand child eg a healthy baby or toddler, as you have indicated. If you would consider a low demand child eg larger sibling group, schoolaged child, child with ASN, the rules are relaxed. Or if you are the correct type of black family or have the right connections

HTH

[Moomoomie]

Agree with Kristingle, again!
I think you need to get it straight in your head that you will not have another birth child, and grieve for that loss, before you even contemplate adoption.
Adoption is not a cure for infertility.
I have adopted three children, but have no birth children. I have a friend with both and she said it is so much more difficult parenting her adopted child than birth child. She has a five year age gap between her two.
Our county have information evenings for people just considering adoption before actually applying. It may be worth seeing if yours does too.
Sorry, if I am coming across as negative, but it is a big decision.
Good luck.

[hester]

I have a birth child who turned 5 just after we adopted a 10 month old baby.
That was 18 months ago.

I have to say that so far our experience of adopting with a birth child has been very positive. Our girls really adore each other. I didn't anticipate it, but dd2 loved dd1 from the start and I think having a big sister really helped her to settle with us. dd1 has periods of jealousy, of course, but is most of the time a very caring and loving big sister.

Having said which, it is very early days and I am aware of the challenges ahead. The girls' jealous spats feel fraught with potential for turning into something nastier, once dd1 learns the explosive potential of taunting her sister with, "She's my mum, not yours". This may be even harder in an otherwise conventional family: at least we are a two-mum family, meaning that most of us are not biologically connected to each other.

You will find that you are less attractive as an adopter because you have a birth child. The brownie points you will earn by being an experienced parent will be outweighed by those you lose by having less time and energy available for the adopted child. children who are available for adoption often need very high levels of care and support, and this may rule you out. Having said which, lots of parents of birth children DO adopt - it is absolutely possible and often very successful.

I agree with the others about the timing - if your first choice is to get pregnant, focus on that for now.

Hope this helps and do ask/PM me if you'd like to talk more.

[lettingitallgonow]

Thanks all, I really appreciate your honest responses :)

[Kewcumber]

just to add not only would SS frown upon continuing to TTC and pursue adoption at the same time, it would drive you insane in a very short space of time I would think. I have done both (separately) and they both absorb me totally and left me very little emotional room for considering a different route to a family. At each stage whether ttc, fertility treatment or adoption you need (IME) to really feel that this is the right option for you, hard to really feel that if you backing two horses IYSWIM. Because the issues involved with having birth vs adopted child are different and need a different mindset (again IMO).

And the fact that your DD is four now isn't the point but how she will be by the time you are looking at matching I would guess she'll be at least six.