Mumsnet Talk

After nearly seven years of TTC and AC, we are now probably one week away from the birth of a boy that we hope to adopt. I put it like that because the b-parents are planning to place with us, but the paperwork will only be signed following the birth. So there is a chance, that they could decide to parent.

She's now 3 cm dialated, and in a lot of pain so if the baby isn't delivered by the 13th, they will induce. I'm constantly thinking about the b-mother and what a mixed bag of emotions this is. At the same time, we are so excited at the possibility of being parents.

It's difficult to focus, and maintain life as usual when everything in our whole world could be turned upside down any day now!

That's really exciting, but i'm curious - are you in the UK? How have you arranged this?

Hi Hester - no, we are in Hawaii. We met with a local adoption agency, who told us that they do mostly international adoptions and very few local adoptions each year, so we should consider "dual track" with a mainland US agency. Which we did, then before we even did our homestudy interview - the local agency had a potential match. The agency presented several potential adoptive families for the b-parents consideration, and they selected us.

Does that seem unusual by UK standards?

It's unusual by UK standards in many ways. Firstly, few babies are voluntarily relinquished in the UK, so most adoptions are of children removed from parents because they are at risk of abuse. Secondly, adoptions of newborns are almost unheard of - normally the baby would go into foster care for at least 6 months, usually a year or more while procedures are followed through with the birth mother, before placement with an adoptive family.

Your way must be absolutely nerve-wracking, but I hope it works out for you all .

It's very bittersweet, that mums giving up their newborns bit isn't it? dd is a firm follower of "16 and pregnant", which shows very young girls through pregnancy, and some of them choose adoption for their babies.

Your way is good, in a way, because the birth mother has made an informed choice, and had input into the family their child is going to, and there is a very real probability of some type of contact in the future.

But it's also sad that the adoptive parents joy must be in some way balanced by the birth mother's sadness, iyswim, because it is all happening at the same time.

We met dd's birth mother when she was only 6 weeks old, and I had terribly mixed feelings about the whole thing for quite a while. They were drowned out by absolute joy at dd's arrival though.

I hope it all goes well for you.

Every form of adoption has it's pros and cons. We definitely thought about waiting child and international before we settled on domestic. This nerve-wracking and emotional mixed bag, is the price we pay for a shortened time frame and lack of international paperwork and red tape.

We are very aware of the loss the birth parents will face, especially the birth mom. Our hope is that by having contact and seeing photos it will lessen some of that loss. At least she will know the child is doing well. It's also going to be good for the child, to always know he was adopted and cared for by all involved.

My head is running over with thoughts and my heart with emotions - but we need to stay calm and steady for the birth parents over this next week or so. That's part of why I'm back on MN now, to have an outlet while not burdening the other's involved in this process.

Is anyone else (besides ImHotNoYoureHot) close to adopting??? I'm sure she's having one eventful trip at the moment!

There have been a couple of people recently going through the introduction stages. I think, because the system in the UK is so different, with most birth parents contesting the adoptions, it is quite difficult for people to post much online as they are going through it.

Mumsnet is googleable, and the worry would be that putting too much out on the web could be disastrous if it became public.

You have a couple of stressful weeks ahead of you, don't you!

Thanks, Maryz. Is the introduction stage before placement or after?

Introduction stage is just before placement, islegrin. It varies in length according to the age of the child. My dd came to us at ten months old (very young in UK adoption terms) and our introductions lasted six days. She came to us the day after introductions finished.

I agree with you that there are pros and cons of both systems of adoption. One of the disadvantages of ours is that you inevitably create trauma for the child by removing them from the caregiver they have grown to love (in our dd's case, the foster carer who had her from 2 months till she came to us).

You must be so nervous and excited! Keep us updated, won't you?

Pre-birth matching never happens in the UK, it has it's own pros and cons like every kind of adoption, but there are barely any relinquishments here - some authorities haven't had any in years and years.

Anyway, an exciting time for you, you must be experiencing a right rollercoaster of emotions! I hope expectant mum's labour is as smooth as possible from now, and her pain gets a bit better, sounds horrible a the moment.

And I guess you know this, but if she does decide to sign TPR after birth, make sure to get at least several copies of the original birth certificate before finalization just in case something happens to one of them. I really wish all states had open records, it seems such a violation of people's rights to seal them

Thank you all for your words of wisdom and experience. I wasn't sure how my introduction back into MN as an adoptive parent would be. (2009 I spent a lot of time on the TTC/BESH and AC boards)

I'm bubbling over with thoughts, worries and emotions at the moment and just wanted to have an outlet with people that better understand adoption.

I gather then that introduction is with the child, I thought it meant with the b-parents. I understand, usually something similar happens with waiting child adoptions here - visits of sorts. First in the foster home, then later in the adoptive parents home. It's meant as sort of a tempering so that the child gets accustomed to the new people, and can build trust. The least trauma and upheaval for the child, the better. It's always going to be there, but whatever we can do to minimize it would be great.

Thanks, Lilka for the advice on the birth certs. Since ours is an open adoption, we already know the names of the parents. My husband and I both have siblings who were adopted as infants. However those were closed adoptions so even our parents don't know much if anything about the b-parents.

I'm trying to keep myself calm by expecting that he will be born on Tues or Weds next week, but I did find myself watching baby birthing shows at midnight last night!

Yes intros are with the child. Mostly the ap's do meet the first parents, but usually only once (I am the only adopter I know who has gone on to meet mum several more times!)

I guess that's one of the biggest reasons that open adoptions can be so successful in the US - the matching process focuses on matching the parents together, not the child and parents. So you know each other pretty well before birth, and know you get on well, so you can be more confident that open adoption will work. There are several people with very happy open adoptions on the US board I'm a member of, and they are the ones where both sets of parents are actually friends with each other not just bonded for the childs sake, which is what happens here

Of course, the culture in the UK is completely geared towards waiting child adoption - in fact, relinquishment is sometimes referred to as 'historical adoption' it's that rare it's percieved as something from the 60's rather than something modern!! Even when it happens, open adoptions with visits are rare - I guess maybe partly because the ap's and fp's are strangers to each other

Anyway, keep trying to stay calm (okay, I wouldn't be able to)

Lilka -i have met one of the birth mums ( and an aunt) several times too

I agree Lilka, plus it gives the birth mother the control. Not like the 'old days' in America where the agency chose the a-parents, even in voluntary placements.

Still waiting on the big news, most of the talk this week is small talk. She's a little dialated, but no contractions yet (not even false ones). She's in some pain though. But what would labor be like without PAIN?!? Aaachooo! omg - I just gave birth!

I would have really liked to have met the birth mum. I hear she would like to hear us too. But the social workers don't seem to be interested in making it happen

Hester do you think the SW are justified in doing that? Do you know anything of the birth mom? (not asking for specifics, just if you know)

We know quite a bit about her, and to be fair the social worker did set up a meeting for us - which she (the birth mother) didn't attend. She was full of apologies when contacted, and we set up a second meeting. Again, no show.

I don't blame the social worker for that, obviously. But we all agreed that bm did genuinely seem to want for it to happen, but her life is so chaotic and day-to-day that things that seem simple to us - like turning up for an appointment - are not so for her. We agreed to leave it a few months then try again. And the social worker did then see the birth mother, who apologised and said she really would like to meet us. Only by then the adoption was sorted, the social worker leaving the job, her replacement not really interested. So even though we and the bm wanted to meet, we were told it was no longer appropriate and 'she had had her chance'.

I was disappointed. Not primarily for me or the bm, but because I wanted to be able to tell dd I had met her first mum and say a bit about her. I didn't fight it, though, because by then we were fighting so many battles with the social worker, and this didn't seem the priority. Also, if I'm honest, birth mother lives a long way away from us, we don't drive, and have two kids and jobs to look after. Plus, there were security issues that made me a bit nervous.

Again, you need to remember the difference between your system, which has many more women who relinquish their babies and are highly motivated to ensure they go to a good home, and ours. Birth mothers here usually have their children taken off them, their lives are often very chaotic, and they may of course find any contact too distressing to bear.

So all very complicated. I don't know if I should have fought harder for the meeting. I hope I won't regret it later. I do think, generally, it's a good thing to do.

Hester wow, that's quite a story. We all do the best we can with the situation given. You have nothing to regret, you showed up for the meeting and you are doing your best to look after your children.

I've thought about how I would explain the situation in which a parent is able to act as a parent - to our child. How to explain it in concrete terms that he will understand. So far, I'm leaning towards physical metaphors - like when they are small they can't pick up a heavy chair - but they can understand that someday when they are "big" they will be able to. Or (and this is my favorite one) making dinner - go to the store, chop up veggies, run the stove, etc. Some people can cook, some are great chefs, and some can become great cooks over time but they just couldn't do it before they had the right environment and the right skills.

I dunno - I'm just trying to wrap my head around how to explain such a complicated set of reasons to a young child. In the most positive way possible. If I were to say bad things about the b-parents (which would be difficult in my case because there is much more good than bad) then it would only leave the child wondering if they are going to be bad, becasue the child came from those bad people. IYSWIM That's not the way to go. So I'm working on how I will explain it in the best way possible (but still truthfully).

We have the same issue here - state/gov social workers are overwhelmed with cases, even though most are well-intentioned they really have their limits. I'm glad you know a lot about the situation and about the first mom, even if you never meet her. At least you can piece together some of your DD's story before she joined your family.

They induced and now labor is in full swing, should have a birth sometime in the next 12 hours or so. I'm all in a tizzy of excitement, but after waiting for the birth will be waiting for the papers (which personally will be more agonizing for me). <sigh> Whatever is best for baby, is my hope!

I give the b-mom MAD PROPS because this has not been an easy journey and we're on about 16 hours of labor already!

Now I'm starting to think about room and car reservations, car seat instructions, formula, diapers, etc. etc. etc., we may fly over tomorrow (if papers are signed). <head explodes!>

I know my heart will burst through my tear ducts when I see him, I cannot wait!

Wow wow wow. Not long to wait now, islegrin

How exciting and terrifying at the same time . It must be really wrecking your head.

Don't worry about explaining things. The great thing is that you have years and years to talk about adoption with your child - and if you get it "wrong" you will always have another chance to put it "right". Anyway, if you start when they are very young, you explain in very simple terms, and as they get older and comprehend more the issues are explained in slightly more complicated ways each time. You will get loads of practice.

And one piece of advice I give to anyone adopting - expect a period of anti-climax, about a week after you get home, when you haven't slept, you start to doubt yourself, you worry whether you and the baby are bonding "properly" (whatever that means), you worry about their birth family (and that might be even more so for you, as you know his birth mother) and you may well even think "oh shit, what have I done".

It's perfectly normal. Don't have too high expectations of anything. Take each day at a time.

Maryz - that is excellent advice and I shall take it completely to heart. I'm already wondering if I'll be able to do everything I'm supposed to do and wondering what the sleepless nights and bonding will be like. <sigh> but I did have the feeling that this was probably normal.

Well he was born yesterday! HEALTHY HEALTHY HEALTHY both b-mom and baby boy looking good. It was 16.5 hours of labor, but only an hour of pushing! We are still on a different island, and will remain here until paperwork is signed and it's all complete, then we will get the call that we can fly over and pick him up. I haven't seen photos yet, but I'm convinced he's gorgeous! So - it's more nerve-wracking waiting, but hopefully the adoption plan is still the best option for this little one. If not, I want him to be where he should be. Now back to waiting, hoping, dreaming and pacing! We should likely hear sometime late tomorrow.

Best of luck. I won't say congratulations yet, as I know that if his birth mother decides to keep him that while you will be devastated you will also wish her and him all the best.

So we wait, and cross our fingers, and hope that it all works out for the best, whatever that best may be .

Wise words again! Thanks, Maryz!

O I just saw this! Islegrin, how exciting!!!

I'm so glad he's born safe and sound and the bm is doing ok. You must be living on your very last nerve at the moment, I just can't imagine. Sometime late tomorrow will be Saturday for us before we know. This will be the longest 36 hours of your life I'm sure. I have my fingers and toes crossed that everything goes smoothly.

I'm so glad for the bm that she knows where the little boy is going and that you'll have contact with her. I hope that lessens her sadness a tiny bit.

Oh my God Isle!! Can't believe I just saw this - don't normally frequent this board. How fantastic, hope your little boy is currently snuggled up with you and you had an amazing first Christmas together!

I'm PD from the old AC thread btw. Had our own saga - got pregnant with twin boys after FET. They arrived at 26 weeks, one gorgeous boy stillborn. The other (known on MN as the Penguin Chick ) spent 11 weeks in NICU but is currently 13 months old and asleep on my lap .

I'm so happy to have seen this, I'm all !