adopted toddler inadvertently hurting me

[LateToTheParty]

DS is 2 and DH and I are adopting him. He has been here for several months and most days he accidently hurts me or DH. DS is very tactile but I think he has some separation anxiety from being moved about a lot (5 families/homes before he was 2). If DH or I are alone with him, he insists on sitting on us, climbing on us, being carried or at least leaning on/touching us. He has a habit of pinching/grippping tightly with very little warning and is leaving bruises. He does it in the course of clambering about on us or if something frightens him.

The worst time was when he grabbed my nipple through just a thin top. He was sitting on my lap and grabbed me so he could turn round. It was briefly the most pain I've ever been (bear in mind I haven't given birth!) I nearly dropped him and I screamed so loudly he immediately burst into tears and was very upset. I hugged him and consoled him and said I wasn't cross, it was just that he had hurt me. I really don't think he understands though and it left me quite shaken.

I now put on a padded bra and several layers each morning before I get him up and brace myself for the day. I'm sure there's no malice at all in what he's doing and he has never lashed out at anyone in anger. He is a very good natured little boy and otherwise the placement is going really well. He has gradually met family and friends and I have started taking him to play sessions at the Children's Centre which he enjoys. He is better if there is more than one other person around and more likely then to play alone or go between people. In practice though, he spends a lot of time with just me for company (I'm on Adoption Leave, DH works fulltime).

I'm frightened of damaging the attachment he clearly has with both DH and I if we keep flinching/telling him not to pinch/kick/clamber on us or moving him away from us. I don't know if I can just hope he will grow out of it because as he becomes more familiar with family and friends he may end up doing it to them too. All the advice I can find relating to toddlers hurting people is in the context of anger and suggests solutions like timeout which I'm sure would leave him distraught and wondering why he's being punished (some days I carry him to the toilet with me rather than leave him sobbing at the bottom of the stairs).

Anyone have any tips on how best to deal with this? Or am I just being an overanalytical wimp!

[FrozenYogurt]

Hi, didn't want to read and run.

DD is only 13 months, so don't have any experience of 2yos, but I can certainly say that I get my fair share of pinches, bites and headbutts, all in the normal day to day play and rough and tumble.

If it's any consolation, he probably doesn't know he's doing it, in their little heads they've not yet developed the ability to really understand that their actions have consequences for anyone other than themselves. I always give a bit of a yelp when my DD bites down, and it's enough to startle her into stopping. I am just trying to encourage her to be 'gentle' and hoping that when she's a bit older she'll know what she's doing a bit more.

HTH.

[FrozenYogurt]

oh and p.s. congrats on your new DS! It sounds like you're doing a fab job with him.

[101North]

yah, they do that. They don't know their own strength - I'm having my eyeball poked out regularly by darling niece of same age (2ish). and my boys have all done the same.
Encourage gentleness, by gently removing offending hand and placing in his lap or turning the rough hand into a gentle stroking or patting movement, and accompany this movement with positive verbal reassurance (as opposed to the 'ouch') when he is rough.
We do this with the baby when he grabs the cat by its fur and the poor thing yowls.

[BeeBread]

Hi OP, congratulations on the adoption.

My DS is nearly two and has no difficult history or separation anxiety. Even so, he hurts us quite a lot - 99% of the time it is accidental and par for the course with all the climbing and monkey business, and very occasionally he will get a naughty look in his eye and bite us, or hit me on the top of my head. Occasionally he will try to put his hand down my top and have a grope, and has a habit of pinching/twiddling the skin on my chest, left over from when he was breastfeeding. I'd say he comes to the loo with me about half of the time.

I think your DS is a normal two year old, and I'd try to avoid reading too much into his behaviour.

I remember when I first had DS feeling slightly overwhelmed by the physicality of it all - the constant holding, touching, physical need he had to be with me (and of course feeding). It is quite a transition going from an adult social environment where obviously physical touch happens, but not all of the time.

I don't bat an eyelid now, it has been so long that I have had that physicality in my world that I would positively miss it now. I think you need to give yourself a chance to get used to it, it is one of the nice things about having someone so little who needs you so much.

In terms of discipline, be careful to make sure that you are only disciplining him for naughty behaviour.

So, cuddling you, constantly touching you, sitting on you, wanting to be carried is all perfectly normal and not something he should ever be punished for. If this is partly due to some kind of separation anxiety, I would cuddle away until he's more relaxed.

There's then a grey area when it comes to horseplay - DS climbs all over me and DH and of course we get the occasional kick to the stomach, pulled hair, accidental headbutt etc. Most of the time I will go with the flow and just have some physical fun with him, accepting that it's a bit rough but that it's not intentional. But if he's really hurting me or getting wildly excited, I will tell him firmly to be gentle and distract him with something more calming (eg jigsaws).

Also if you do lots of physical exercise with him - long walks, playground, football etc etc, then he's more likely to want to be quiet when he comes home.

The naughty step is reserved only for properly naughty behaviour, like the odd times he bites me even when he's had a warning. He hates it, I hate it, but it is the quickest way of getting him to stop doing something which is properly unpleasant. I know it's going to be harder for you because you will worry that disciplinary measures will damage the bond between you and him, but he sounds like he's all up for bonding with you. Honestly I think all parents feel an element of guilt when disciplining their children, it's not nice when they are upset. But better in the long run!

[mistlethrush]

My son is 6.5. I have lots of bruises . The worst are from swimming when he uses my inner thigh area as a good point to kick-off from, his heels REALLY hurt and I end up bruised there. I have bruises on both shins from one thing or another. I've been headbutted in the face (accidentally) hard enough to give me a nosebleed for about 30mins and require an icepack. A recent one was him bobbing up towards me and hitting my lip - my tooth left a clear impression on his scalp and I had a top lip that looked as though I was in to plastic surgery.

My son is VERY tactile - although not really clingy at all. He has always preferred being on my lap or in my arms to being put down or sitting nearby.

I suppose what I'm getting at is that this might just be the way he is anyway - although I can't imagine that all the disturbance can have helped things.

Have you thought about thinking about things the other way round? Instead of waiting for him to come to you, invite him to join you - that way you can have a bit of involvement in how he gets there and hopefully avoid some of the most painful climbing. In terms of the gripping/ pinching or the turning around issues - ds will normally settle into my lap snuggled back into one arm, slightly at an angle - so that we look at things together with the other - or so I've got one arm free (and, yes, he still does this). If he's encircled with your arm in a secure position, hopefully he won't be so inclined to grab or pinch.

I also found at this age a hippychick seat was a godsend - it meant I could support all his weight on the seat clipped around my waist, with one arm holding him, leaving one arm free, but him secure (and my back not too badly put out).

Oh - and Ds at this age always came into the toilet when I went as it meant I could keep an eye on him rather than leaving him (potentially wreaking havoc) - we had a stack of books in the bathroom at this stage and he'd happily look at them.

[billgrangersrisotto]

Yep, all normal! painful isn't it?! Especially the nipple twisting and grabbing handfuls of skin to use as a pull up for clambering! You have my sympathies. I too am covered in bruises!

[Memoo]

I think he sounds like a very normal toddler tbh. My dd is going through a phase of nipple grabing too, very painful!

Try not to worry, you sound like you're doing a fab job.

[tryingtoleave]

My ds used to head butt us all the time - not on purpose, he was just always throwing himself around. We didn't really do anything about it except being aware and trying to deflect him. He grabbed my breast hard in the pool yesterday - he just wanted something to hold on to. my dd is almost three and would be constantly carried and held if she had her way. As pp have said, looking after a toddler is intensly physical.
So, it sounds like your ds is normal and has a strong attachment to you.

[BranchingOut]

Definitely normal for a two-year-old and I think it is a very positive sign of his attachment that he will sit on you/clamber on you. The cuddling is what it's all about!

I often feel a bit 'mauled' about by my son 2.1, but what we also do is try to model 'gentle' to him. So if he bashes my arm hard, for instance, I will say, "No, be gentle." At the same time I will stroke his arm gently, while saying "gentle" again. He will often then stroke me back gently.

However, yesterday I did put him in time out for a minute when he hit me several times across the face with a very 'purposeful' look! You can tell when they are doing it intentionally.

Have you tried having him in a sling at times? Try a toddler sling like the Ergo, worn on your back. He might like the closeness. Good for long walks where he gets tired after a while.

[Tinkerisdead]

My dd is exactly like this. Not adopted but clambers, squeezes and jumps on me. Im pregnant and shes jumped squarely on my bump before. I screamed and burst into tears as it was agony, she promptly cried as i scared her. Mine's 3 but it shows no sign of stopping. Even if i tell her off she seems to have no concept because there's no malice in her actions. Even today i've pulled ligaments in my bump and ive tried to explain dont pull or climb on me but she's no better. At 6 months she used to pinch the skin on our necks or arms!!! She just seems to be a child that needs contact and clambers to get it. Seems like you have a normal little ds there, congratulations on your adoption.

[ohanotherone]

This sounds very normal and it shows that he feels very safe with you. With my DS I would just try not to shout out but say No, be gentle with mummy. Most mums seem to do this. It's okay to shout out although if it really hurts and you can't help it but then explain. Wow that really hurt mummy but I'm okay now. I wouldn't put him in time out as he doesn't mean it. Also with a very touchy feely baby you can feel all touched out by the end of the day but the stage will pass and although they will still want hugs they won't need to be in physical contact with you every single moment!

[Kewcumber]

You are best placed to assess whether he has some degree of attachment problem and what sounds normal to people who haven't been there can be the signs of a problem brewing. Over the course of the coming years lots of people will tell you his behaviours are normal when you know they are not and you will develpment confidence in your assessment based on your increasing knowledge of him and your ability as a parent.

Having said that his current behaviour is probably within the realms of "normal" but will probably be a trait he won;t grow out of for some time (the closeness/touching issue not the grabbing/pinching issue)

I would be astounded if he didn't have a hefty dose of separation anxiety but it sounds like you are handling it pretty well - there wasn't any way of leaving my DS behind to go to the toilet until he was probably 5 so you're right to take him with you and to be as tactile as he needs you to be.

I co-slept with DS for quite long periods until quite recently and even now when he's feeling insecure his default position is back to my bed. When he was 1 and first adopted he used to lie half asleep and reach his arm over and pat it around until he'd found me to check I was still there.

When your DS hurts you - its absolutely fine to say "ouch that hurts" quite firmly and "we don't pinch in this family" if you think there might be a degree of deliberateness (not maliciousness) involved.

Just to add to anyone who thinks that sitting on you/touching you is a sign of good attachment- that isn't necessarily so. It can be a sign of an insecure attachment that a child is desparately trying to reinforce. Its not clear as a few months is way too early to tell but you are doing all teh right things to give him as much affection/touching physical comfort as he needs but within strict boundaries - eg no pinching, no hitting etc.

Not sure if that helpful but I think you just need to continue doing what you're doing and rise it out. It doesn't always become obvious what issues as child may have so early in the bonding process.

[cory]

I have experience of both adopted and non-adopted children and I would say that the actual level of hurting sounds within the range of normal 2yo behaviour, but that the constant urge to be touching you could be the sign of attachment disorder.

My db's adoption trauma showed itself in far stronger ways, though, not just a bit of pinching but complete biting and kicking and screaming meltdowns and- which I think was more significant- they went on beyond an age where most children have grown out of them (school starting age and beyond).

But from what I have read, attachment disorder could just as easily manifest itself in overeagerness to please and a lack of boundaries.

[Moomoomie]

Once again Kew has got it spot on. I don't think I have any more to add.

[mamamoonmim]

My 19 month old son does this.
He's had a happy secure life with me and his daddy since birth.
He's just a little sod :-p
The nipple thing is the WORST eek. I just got him off the breast now and am sooo happy to have my breasts securely away from him.

You need to say owe and show that it hurts and take him off of you.

I hope your bonding isn't affected too much by this.

[hester]

Yup, what kew said.

My dd came to us at 10 months, having only been in one foster home, and I would say it took the best part of a year that her need for touch and closeness subsided to what could be described as normal levels. Note that I'm still not sure if it IS normal, but it looks ok.

I agree that you don't want to be pushing him away, so it's about finding ways you can offer touch on terms a bit more acceptable to you. Best of luck.

[LateToTheParty]

Thank you for all the replies. It's given me lots to consider and it's reassuring to hear that non-adopted children do this too, so the behaviour itself is more common than I realised.

It is especially useful to hear views from people with experience of adoption too. Kewcumber, I agree that this doesn't necessarily demonstrate a good attachment. DS is described in his CPR as being affectionate and was very tactile with us from the start. He was too with the foster carer who he had only been with for about the same length of time he has now been with us.

DH and I think that his need to be so close could come from having had so many significant people in his short life just disappear, sometimes quite abruptly. His clinginess could be his way of trying to ensure he doesn't lose track of yet another person who he is getting close too.

It's been a bit better over the last week, and he doesn't seem quite as grippy as before. We are gently moving his hands/feet/head and indicating when he's causing us pain without completely breaking physical contact which seems to work. Also I'm trying to be more patient with the constant up/down, on lap/off lap movement and think I'm getting more used to the physicality which as BeeBread mentioned, can be overwhelming at first. Now we need to work on his relationship with DCat, who votes with her feet every time he gets too close to her :)

[MrsHoolie]

Hello. My DS is 18m (not adopted) and also is like this,the pinching really hurts!he usually does it while gripping on to me because he is scared or spooked by something.
I also take him up to the loo with me or when taking his big sister up to the loo as he gets very upset being left.
He is ultra clingy unlike my DD was at this stage.
So in my experience all sounds pretty normal.

[swanriver]

I've had a non-adopted child who used very aggressive attention seeking physical behaviour at the age of 2-3 and thereafter to in order to get physical attention from me. I had to completely change the way I parented her when she was about four or five as things got so bad, and go over the top carrying, co-sleeping, cuddling, almost as if she was a baby, and giving her the complete reassurance she neeed rather than just expecting her to fit in with what was expected of a four five year old (bed by themselves, walkign not going in pushchair, playing by herself etc) Because I had twins, I tried to encourage her to be independent from quite an early age and I suppose she missed out on something along the way. And her brother got a lot of the physical attention in comparison when he was very little as he was a bad sleeper and she was a good one. At some point the attachment issues came back and bit me on the bum and I had to do a lot of intensive mothering when she was older, much to the disapproval of those around me. It helped SOO much to keep remembering that all she wanted was to be close to me, and that why she was hitting me and screaming at me.

So I suppose what I'm trying to say is that your child may need different treatment from the "average" two year old due to somethign as your rightly pointed that may have happened in his early years. Don't be afraid to treat him as if he was a baby and don't necessarily expect him to function as a normal two year old on an emotional level, or to discipline him as if he was a normal two year old.

Someone did say once to me that you have to have zero tolerance of violence from the beginning, even if you know they didn't mean to hurt you. For example when you are breastfeeding and a baby bites you, no normal mother is going to go well done, no they scream OW and pull baby off. Baby soon gets message not to bite, however young. I would call that an example of the most innocent "hurting" activity having an instant zero tolerance feedback, which reduces the likelhood of it happening. Having a tantrum and hitting someone is as you say a different problem, as your son is not hitting or hurting you in anger but because he doesn't "know" it hurts you, but for some reason he wants to be very overly physical with you.

HTH..personal space, and teaching children about personal space is very complex thing, and I suppose babies/young children think we are an extension of themselves or just objects, and it takes a while to realise we are separate feeling entities that they can rely on, but have our own sensitivities. I think soft toys/dollies are very very important for teachign a lot of social play scenarios, and letting all those feelings out.

[swanriver]

Also just to say, that toddlers wanting to accompany you to the toilet is entirely normal Penelope Leach wrote this book on child development where she describes how toddlers will explore happily if their mothers stay in one place. The minute the mothers move, the children are absolutely disorientated and cling to them. They have a sixth sense where their mothers are as long as their mothers are in the same place. That's why it can be so difficult to go for a walk for a toddler, because they prefer going in circles round a fixed object (mum) She also explains why developmentally a child will interfere constantly, cry fuss complain when you are trying to cook dinner etc talk on phone, but when you try and play with them and stop moving around they are often quite happy playing alone with their toys. Sorry can't remember book, but it was a bit of weighty tome and not Baby and Child, although that is also very good. She always explains things not from Supernanny point of departure (discipline) but from child centred ideas of what children are capable of at certain ages emotionally.

[Kewcumber]

"His clinginess could be his way of trying to ensure he doesn't lose track of yet another person who he is getting close too" I'm almost certain that was the case with DS - he is still unusaully affectionate for his age (6) but not to a point that anyone else would notice it. He still prefers to sit on top of me and if thats not possible then he leans on me or touches me. Once he became verbal he said "I love you" repetitively. Others would say "Aw how lovely" but it wasn;t really lovely (Though not horrid IYSWIM) it was a sign of his deep insecurity. And when I say repetitively, I mean every 2 minutes virtually all day at his worst. I even spoke to a social worker who had no advice. I never thought anything my beloved child could do would want to make me Scream! Let alone telling me they loved me. But I gritted my teeth and said "I love you too honey" every time. Without fail until it eventually wore off.

Its also hard when you are parachuted into toddler behaviour wihout the intervening months of them being a baby.

"Now we need to work on his relationship with DCat" - oh I should give up on that one right now! the cat learnt to tolerate DS by the time he was about 5!

[knittedbreast]

hi I dont have an adoted child but i was once laying on the sofa and my 2yr old son (at the time) came over and headbutted me ( he kind of jumped into me).

He did it so hard that he split my lip open. you should have seen the looks my dp got when we were out (obv he was beating me lol)

i wouldnt worry to much. when he does it just pick him up and move him away. tell him it hurts and it isnt nice to hurt. he may not understand the concept but hel learn the rythem of the of the words and will associate them with what not to do