10 things you wish you could say to your kids

Can't tell your kids

Mumsnetters reveal their inner parenting monologue, so you don't have to

You are many things, but a singer isn't one of them

Les Mis

“My darling daughter – you are kind, intelligent and joyful company. But it is not necessary to sing the entire libretto from Les Mis on the loo. Other people would like to crap, you know.”

That GCSE art colour wheel isn't going to be your magnum opus

stressed

“Don't spend five fucking hours on a piece of homework that should take two hours and cry because you're so stressed about it. It doesn't matter if you don't do your absolute best every bloody time.”

I'm never going to concede that bribe

treat yo self

“I am not letting you play Xbox as a treat because you finished your homework. I am letting you play Xbox because I have had a bad day at work and really can't be arsed to entertain you.”

This one's for my inner child

tantrum

“SHUTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT UPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!!!”

Hopefully still not thinking this in 10 years time

changing nappies

“Wipe your own arse.”

They're not poison

ew “Just eat some fucking vegetables for goodness sake.”

There isn't a radio loud enough to drown this one out

shut up

“The repetitive, wordless singing that you think is beautiful is actually highly annoying when we are trapped in the car together. I'm not surprised your sister is poking you and I don't want to tell her off.”

I'm definitely not sitting through any recitals

no drama

“I'm lying when I say I might let you go to drama when you're a bit older. I am not paying £££ a term for you to learn to caterwaul show tunes and pretend to be a tree.”

You're not the only one that needs a drink

wine

“When are you going to get off the boob so I can go out for a nice feed and some booze?”

It's almost like it's deliberate

testing my patience

“How come you can remember every move of every rugby match you've ever played in, a Minecraft world the size of the Milky Way and every moment of Stampy Whatever's video, but you can forget to pick up your school bag on the way out of the door? You've needed to take a bag to school for seven years – every day – and yet you still forget? HOW?!”

And finally…

Sue glee

“'Man the fuck up – you just stubbed your toe. You did not have your leg amputated with a blunt rusty saw.' (That's to my husband by the way, not the sproglets.)”