14 things you will never, ever hear a toddler say

Toddler on phone

Following a discussion among Mumsnetters about things they're confident they'll never hear their toddlers say, we thought we'd put together a compendium of the phrases least likely to issue from the mouth of an under-three-year-old. Recognise these? No, of course you don't.

“Here's your perfectly untouched lipstick that I found in the bathroom. I thought you'd like it back.”

Toddler with lipstick

“Time to leave soft play? Ok, shoes on!”

Boy at soft play

“I agree, there's only so much CBeebies one person can stand.”

Girl with remote control

“You'e right Mummy, it Is fair!”

Toddler crawling

“Dangerous, you say? I'd better not touch then.”

Toddler nearly touching plug

“A sandwich? The same as I had yesterday? Yes, I agree, I did enjoy it. I'll eat it all up and not pound it into the thickness of a postage stamp with my cup.”

Boy eating sandwich

“I have no strong feelings either way, Mummy.”

Girl shurgs

“I can see you've spent time and money preparing a nutritious meal for me. I'll definitely give it a try.”

Girl eats veg

Can I have something new and adventurous for my dinner?

Sophisticated plate of food

“Yes, any of the eight almost identical dolls will be fine. I don't have to have the only one that's not right here.”

Mum and daughter with doll

“A nap? What a splendid idea. Now you mention it, I am tired, yes.”

Boy napping

“You're right. It's no trouble to pop myself on the potty rather than weeing where I stand whilst looking at it.”

Girl potty training 630

“Don't worry Mum, take your time, I can wait.”

Mum and girl shopping

“Disestablishmentarianism”

Toddler wearing bowtie