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13 times your toddler was better at swearing than you

swearing child

All toddlers slip up when they're first getting their tongues around the whole talking business – but as Mumsnetters have learned, there's only a dropped letter between cute mispronunciation and downright obscenity…

1. Catcalling

hot tits

“My 18-month-old daughter has started exclaiming 'HOT TITS!', quite loudly and gaily when we're out and about. No idea what she's trying to say.”

2. Life's a…

pulp fiction

“Ours is 'Bitch! Bitch!' at the moment. Followed by frustrated crying when I can't produce the bitch. (No idea what it is.)”

3. It's good but it's not right

buzz lightyear

“When my son was about two, he loved Buzz Lightyear. He couldn't quite say Buzz's catchphrase though – his version was 'on titty… and be ODD!'”

4. He had it coming

fat controller

“My son used to say 'fucking troller' when playing with his Thomas trains.”

5. The disappointment is palpable

mean girls

“My son's first ever sentence, on discovering the blackberries we'd gone to pick weren't ripe, was 'oh – we're fucked then!'”

6. A civil rights activist in the making

miss piggy

“We went to this farm where they have a piglets' race twice a day. We were going through the gate when my three-year-old shouted 'Mummy, Daddy, where are the racist pigs?'”

7. “Mummy doesn't get drunk, she just has fun”

wine glass

“My son came up to me, aged three or so, and announced 'Wuh is for Wino!' I was rather taken aback until I remembered he couldn't pronounce 'r' sounds.”

8. It's actually a very serious medical condition

puddle duck

“When my daughter was very small we went to the Beatrix Potter exhibition in the Lake District. In the gift shop, she asked for 'Vagina Puddle-Duck'.”

9. You're a wizard Hairy!

hairy potter

“Yesterday, my four-year-old daughter insisted we watched Hairy Bottom – you know, the boy who goes off to wizarding school?”

10. Better than 'the crapper'?


“My three-year-old daughter asked for 'the pisser' on holiday in Skye. She was adamant she wanted the pisser. She meant the midge spray – it made a 'piss piss' sound when we sprayed it.”

11. Body image pressures start so young…

big tits

“My son couldn't say 'biscuits' for ages, but said 'big tits' instead. He once had a tantrum in Morrisons and shouted 'I want big tits' over and over at the top of his voice.”

12. Apparently it's a common delicacy among under-threes…

pop corn

“My son went through a stage of shouting 'cock porn'. Turned out he was after popcorn.”

“Ah yes, my kids also love cock porn. And yesterday my DS shouted out that he had found a dick. I am assuming what he actually found was a stick.”

13. That's no way to make friends


“My daughter shouts 'let's play hide and seek, you cunt'. I've tried teaching her to say 'I'll hide' instead – but no. I just raise my eyebrows and smile at horrified onlookers now.”