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Talk Roundup
2 May 2008

Think Property

Body worries this week from WorriedAboutFanjo, who was demanding to know Who has DANGLY FANJO LIPS? after watching a television programme about 'Embarrassing Bodies' and putting her poor husband under undue pressure to adjudicate; "I was standing next to the tv with my pants down, while the shot was paused comparing mine with hers." Threadworm came over all gloomy, "Oh God, now I have a whole new thing to worry about!" while CountessDracula embarrassed herself by performing an impromptu self-exam in full view of her neighbour, "that'll teach me to do it in the study." "DH has just come in and I asked if he had ever been with a girl with big flaps," said an allegedly flapless Nailpolish, adding, "He is hiding in the shed now, cleaning his golf clubs." Meanwhile an excited Expatinscotland was looking forward to the next episode in the series, "all about COCKS!"

Alpha Mum is clearly passť and so it's time for a reclassification of Mum stereotypes: MamaG has spotted Dizzy Mum: "always late for parties/brownie events/dance rehearsals and turns up on the wrong day/wrong location" and FrannyandZooey identified Time Warp Mum, "wearing same clothes from before she had children, even though she is now 2 stone heavier." ICod knows Indie Mum: "I am so different to you sheep and I am much better than you because I dress like a 14-year-old" and Slur wonders if anyone recognizes Tactful Mum; "She always says exactly what you need to hear, 'Oh they all hit occasionally, mine were far worse,' and 'I don't think eating poo is that damaging really.'" And one to avoid is RosaLuxembourg's Over-involved Mum; "She is a governor, and on the PTA and helps out on all the school trips and listens to children read and runs a couple of after-school clubs as well. You can tell this mum because she is on first name terms with all the school staff from the head to the cleaning ladies and says 'we' rather than 'they' when referring to the school."

If you swore that you'd never have a sitting room blighted with ugly plastic (i.e. toys) then you'll appreciate funny things said by a soon-to-be mother about the reality of life with children. Emkana's friend cleverly thought to buy a two-way baby monitor, "so that when her newborn wakes up she will calm him down with her voice while remaining downstairs in the living room," while Lissielou admitted that she declared that her child would know who was boss, "3 years later, I meekly accept that I am slightly lower on the food chain than Thomas the Tank Engine." Beansprout swore that she would not buy any branded toys, but nonetheless "my house looks like the island of fecking Sodor" and Dragonbutter compiled a post-pregnancy workout plan while she was pregnant, "2 hours of full on cardio and weight training every day. What a twit." "I always used to wonder why mothers let their toddlers wander round with snotty noses all the time," recalled Whomovedmychocolate, "Now I realise it's because toddlers are made of snot and leftover breakfast."

Reminding us that all children are special, ReallyTired asked is your child gifted and talented at something totally useless?; "My son is Gifted and Talented at playing musical chairs." TheArmadillo was proud to declare her son G&T at "cutting with scissors" while BillyElliot's DD is G&T at "fooling her father. Ridiculous pretend crying and then evil soap opera smile over his shoulder as he picks her up for a cuddle." FrannyandZooey's DS excels at 'trumping'; "He said today 'Doing big trumps makes you famous.' I admire his optimism." And Lullabyloo admitted getting the wrong end of the stick, "I read this as 'Is your child Gifted & Talented, or something totally useless?'" Well, we all know that's what you mean...