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MUMSNET GUIDE TO KEEPING YOR CHILDREN SAFE ON THE INTERNET: Thanks to Mumsnetter's contributions over the past couple of weeks we've compiled a step by step guide on how to protect your children from the dangers of the net. Share in one another's pearls of wisdom here.

Talk Roundup
28 March 2008


TurkeyLurkey celebrated Easter by making Delia's controversial Cheat's Shepherd's Pie with tinned mince, but sadly, "it tasted so much like Chappie it's not true!" "Try making it with Chappie," suggested a helpful BBBee, while Yorkshirepudding was only just catching up, "You can get tinned mince?" Kbear admitted feeling betrayed, "it's like finding out George Michael is gay all over again."

Meanwhile TheFaceofShame confessed to Easter shenanigans at her parents' house. After engaging in loud marital horseplay in what she thought was a deserted house she spotted her father's car in the driveway, "I think he has come home from work for his lunch." "Might your father be a bit deaf?" asked an optimistic Swedes. GetOrfMoiLand suggested brazening it out, "Open the door, yell 'Put the kettle on, dad, we're parched!' and saunter down with your hair all dishevelled." BigTeuchLittleTeuch shared a similar incident when her DH tried to persuade her to give him a five-minute fix – only to discover that the baby monitor was on "and we were being broadcast to the breakfast table. I just walked in and said 'well that will teach him to ask silly questions won't it?'" OrmIrian sympathised, "DS1 discovered DH and I in the act once. Gave us a dubious look and left the room. Came back in again a few mins later holding a stuffed camel against his groin and making 'humping' actions."

Skeletonbones was suffering from cabin fever after nursing her poorly DD for three days on the trot and wondered Am I Being Unreasonable to kidnap the Tesco's delivery man, and pretend he is my husband? "I would treat him real nice!" Squonk thought this was perfectly reasonable, having done a similar thing herself, "I once kidnapped the chap who came to read the meter and made him feed DD2 a bottle while I had a very quick shower." Bonkerz spoke with authority on the matter. She locked her Tesco delivery man in her conservatory after receiving 47 unsuitable substitutions on her grocery order, "I rang head office and told them I wouldn't let him go till I had a full refund in cash so I could go to Asda. After an hour on phone to head office there was a bloke on the doorstep with cash!"

Twiglett pondered her slapdash parenting skills this week. "You can tell you're giving up on this whole "perfect parent lark" when "you hear echoing from another room the dulcet tones of progeny 2 (aged 3) saying to progeny 1 (aged 7) "Put this in your ear," and you can just about manage to summon the energy to mutter "Don't put anything in your ear" before returning to your coffee and MN." WombFor1More sent her boys to tidy up their room but when one of them shouted, "Ewww mum I just found a tissue that's got poo on it" she confessed to the slack response of "find a bin and put it in," and Collision admitted that when receiving her children's unwanted attention while Mumsnetting she repels them with threats such as "Come here, I need to cut your toenails" and "I need to check your head for nits. Bring me the scratchy comb please." But Ratbunny topped everyone when she admitted that she "lets the dog clear up the baby sick."

If you are in favour of Ratbunny's style of housekeeping, you'll definitely approve of Cod's tips for idle parenting, "Dropping-off means you often DON'T have to get out of the car. Leave the knife near the cake so they help themselves. Become a school governor, then you don't feel obliged to join the PTA." Sonicdeathmonkey recommended banning your children from touching the mop/brush/washing machine, "it will suddenly become the most interesting thing ever discovered, and you can have half an hour's rest while they do the housework thinking they've got away with murder." EEC advised persuading the children "that the cat/dog will like the person who feeds it everyday best. They will fight over the job, and you need never do it again." And LarryVeest recommended convincing them that Mumsnet is ‘work', "Make bored groaning noises and sigh a lot, and your DCs will solicitously say 'is it very difficult Mummy?' then clear off and play by themselves." I don't think it will work for your husband, though.


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