Worried my brother will become my responsibility if Mum cannot cope

[Shaunansco12]

I'm not sure if im in the right topic for this....
It's long and I think I just need to release some stress 😩.

My brother is 31yrs old still lives with my mum and has never had a job. My mum is 63 in good health but doesn't push him at all, hes diabetic and has been since he was 12 and my mum sort of babys him for it as hes has a few hypos that have sent him in hospital, my stresses have all come to a blow tonight even though its been playing on my mind for quiet some time. Im scared of anything happening to my mum and me having to put my brother up. Im a married 35yr old with 3 children with my own job and it scares the life out of me because obviously I can't see him out on the streets, hes never been interested in getting a job and I highly doubt anyone will take him on anywhere with no experience. Iv spoken to my mum about this so many time but she brushes it of and says he will just come and live with you. It's not that I dont love my brother but I dont no how I would cope with him, he winds my children up like mad and they dislike going to my mums knowing hes there. He acts like a child for example he kept taking my daughters phone of her hiding it and then getting my mum to ring it to see where it was, there's loads of things but to many to right down. What has made me like this tonight is my mum is wanting to move house and is actively looking and viewing houses, there is one going on my street that is 2 doors away from me within her budget and shes rang me tonight saying shes going to get a viewing on it, its not that I dont want to be living near my mum and it wouldn't bother me if she was on her own but shes not. My brother is such a grass and if anything happens hes straight up telling my mum about it, we live facing a field and im making up all sinarios in my head that I no would happen, like if my children are playing outside and they like to play fight my brother would be straight at that window telling my mum what's happening and she'd either go out or ring me. This sounds so pathetic I no. I just want to cry because I no she will try her hardest to get this house because its the exact layout of mine and she loves my house. Im just so scared for the future and honestly constantly on my mind that should anything happen id have to have him. I dont no what I want out of this message just someone to listen and tell me im not wrong for feeling the way I do. And I no my mum would expect it from me should anything happen.

Sympathy. I agree with others saying this is more common than we'd like to think.

My ex-partner's brother has a mild speech impediment and no other issues, but he is similar. He does work, but part-time and very low-paid jobs; his parents assume he will inherit their tenancy when they die and the rest of the family will pitch in to support him. When my ex and I were together I suggested various ways he could start to become independent, like maybe thinking about renting a room in a shared house or applying for a full-time job, and the answer was always a bewildered 'oh, I don't think he would like that'. As if the rest of us, when we lived in shared houses in our 20s, were just delighted to be sharing a kitchen with Grotty Dave or whoever.

I posted because it really surprised me how much I felt a weight lift after my ex and I split. It wasn't something I'd ever consciously factored into the split at all - but actually, that constant expectation that we'd be responsible for him and 'take him on' when his parents died was very hard to deal with. And I don't think he was/is as depedent as your brother! So I really understand why it does not feel as simple as 'oh just tell your mum no' or 'just make him grow up'. I think posters suggesting therapy have a point, just so you can come up with some good ways to frame this to yourself and, ultimately, to them. It's really hard to do alone.

Is your brother actually unable to work or just doesn't want to?

Your Mum is 63, she is likely to be around for another 20 years with good health. This is a waste of a worry. Move on.

A relative of mine is step parent to such a young man who lives with them. Relative is terrified they are stuck with him forever. He does work but very part time in a shop with no motivation or ambition for anything better. He is morbidly obese & stays in bed when not at work. I feel sorry for him but feel worse for my relatives.

My.best friends mum did this to her brother. The youngest of three and she sort of kept him as a pet almost.

There’s nothing wrong with him but she always just sort of said that he didn’t need to work,he had everything he needed here and so on. He’s in his late thirties now and all he’s ever done is help out his brother sometimes with labouring. My friend and the other brother are married with kids.

My friend is also worried about ending up with her brother, especially as she’s the only girl. It’s very frustrating as he’s just a man who has never worked or walked his own pants.

If your brother is over 60, Social Services will not force the sale of the house.

It’s worth having the conversation with your mother now. The proximity is going to be challenging and her view that you will look after stay-at-home-brother by default is as awful as it is wrong. It’s worth driving home honest truths now.

Could other brother be an ally?

It’s not inevitable that the brother will continue to be incompetent when his mother passes. There is clearly some kind of co-dependency going on. Couple of possible alternative scenarios:

a) as his mother becomes frail and infirm, he ends up caring more and more for her till he can’t take it any more, so moves out

b) when his mother dies, he finally starts a new life and takes responsibility

It is very likely he will be forced to move out if his mother goes into care, anyway.

He won’t end up on the streets. She will end up leaving the house to him in her will to make sure that doesn’t happen. Guaranteed.
If he’s capable of working but in his 30s and never had a job, then he’s a lazy arse, and this has probably been his plan all along. (I have a brother who’s been doing the same by becoming overly enmeshed in my parents lives, although he does work, it’s pretty obvious what his motivations are).

And as for your mum buying a house 2 doors down from you, just tell her if she does that, then you will move.

Sounds a bit like your mum can manipulate you quite well.
i would suggest you continue with ‘he won’t be living with me’ rinse and repeat.
also get the fall out of her moving next you out of the way, and whilst she’s having a strop - get yourself booked in for some therapy, the guilt your carrying for no apparent reason is rooted from other things.
ive done it, and once id found the right therapist for me, honestly it was eye opening and exceptionally freeing.
its lovely that your husband is on your side btw
you’ve got this x

He has ruined his chance at life by choice!
Do not let this vile man ruin your family's life too! Again, that is a CHOICE! Do NOT choose to have him!!!!

Well there's your answer then. Hide behind your husband if you can't face it.

Yes.

I have a neighbour with two middle-aged sons. One did work for a while, but hasn't officially worked for years. He's a father (but separated from the mother) and an alcoholic, judging from his beer breath.

The other has never worked officially. He has drug issues.

Each has their own council flat, but both are still being supported by their mother. The father is already dead.

When the mother passes away, goodness knows what is going to happen.

You need to be like your husband and toughen up.

Your brother is not your responsibility why has your mum babied him so much ? He's a type 1 diabetic as is my daughter and has been since she was 8 and lives a full and normal life. There is certainly no reason for your brother not being able to work that is ridiculous.
Many people work and deal with much more debilitating illnesses than diabetes.
Time your brother grew up.

@Shaunansco12 What's your other brothers stance on of all of this? Could he be an potential allay?

And yes, have the potential fall out about moving now. I wouldn't want someone who is tormenting teasing my DC living close by. Equally, try and reduce your reliance on your mum as babysitter- I know easier said than done.

You need to have a very serious conversation with both your mum and your brother making it abundantly clear that things need to change now!

Your mum has created this situation and whilst she is fit and healthy she is managing it well. How will she cope if she becomes ill, a stroke for example, who will carry the load of caring for her and your brother? These are things you need to raise.

Make it very clear that whilst you love them both dearly their present living arrangements have to change.

I can understand the stress - yes your mum might well live another 20 years but not necessarily be in good health. You may also end up being leaned on if she needs help and is so close.

I think it’s on to put yourself and your husband / kids first here.

Your mum is the issue here - why is she enabling a lazy 31 one year old?! Why is she expecting you to do the same?

And why would you give up your inheritance? He’d still have no money for bills and food and he’d just piss it away.

You or your other brother need stern words with them both I think!

stressing About something that hasn’t happened is going to do your health any good. It could be your mum outlives your brother, who knows what’s going to happen

as for ringing you to tell you the kids are doing xyz say “ and” then “ ok” every time - don’t feed the snake

Tiptoeing round the issue won't get you anywhere, I'm afraid. Being "funny" with you when you say or do something she doesn't like is childish is nothing less than emotional blackmail imo.

It sounds like she's got the old-fashioned mindset that caring responsibilities are women's business, while men (in this case, your other brother) get away scot-free.

I'm afraid that I'd tell her straight not to bother buying that house to be closer to you or so that you can help with caring for your brother, because you'll move if she does, and that all your time and energy is taken up by caring for your own family.

She’d do better to put his 1/3 of her estate in trust and make you and your other brother trustees, with the stipulation that you can decide how best to spend it on him. That way it can cover rent and utility bills for X number of years and he can find a minimum wage job to pay for his food. There’s no point in leaving it to him, let alone leaving him more, because he won’t spend it wisely.

This is the exact same situation with my DH and his brother albeit my BIL is age 45. It’s unlikely he’ll get a job and we don’t know what he’ll do when my MIL dies but we cannot take on that burden and have been clear that it’s not our problem.

My DH is actually pretty confident that his brother will get a job and be independent once the safety net of his mum has gone.

You’re not being heartless by being firm with not taking in your brother, you’re prioritising your own family.

Your mum is not acting in her son's best interests. It's worth pointing this out.

My uncle lived with his parents - but managed to work for a few years before they moved. He's two years older than me as there's a big age gap to my Dad (they are half brothers)

His mum did everything for him. He really needed an autism diagnosis but his parents refused to do this. He's not incapable though. He just was never taught various life skills.

When my Dad's step mother got older and started struggling with her health, my Dad did persuade them to name my uncle as her carer. Even though the reality was she was really doing most of the caring for him. This is so he would get some NI credits towards a pension otherwise he would have absolutely nothing.

She died not so long ago and it's been a car crash. There's 2am phone calls to my parents for smoke alarm batteries dying. He can sort it out as he's capable of doing so - he isn't particularly disabled, he just has no common sense or idea of any real life skills because his mother did absolutely everything and he had no need to learn. It's so sad. My Dad knows he has to fail to get the support he ultimately needs.

The situation you are in is more difficult. If they do move so close and your mum dies he will make your life a misery through harassment and manipulation. You need to talk to your husband about this. You may need to move and you may need to consider going no contact or even take out a harassment order to protect yourselves from him.

And this is what I would actually be actively telling your mother what will happen. If she wants you to have a relationship with your brother it has to be a healthy relationship - which includes him taking responsibility for him. You need to be blunt that she is actually harming his future, because once she's gone you will not be picking up the pieces and you will not be emotionally or financially abused by him. She is putting him into a position where he will not be eligible for a state pension too - even if he has his own house, this is going to leave him desperate.

If he is too ill to work he needs to be assess accordingly, so he can get his NI credits. If he isnt that ill he needs to be actively looking for work and claiming job seekers whilst he does this in order to get his NI credits. Not doing either and her just supporting him financially is her actively harming you both and setting up a future conflict and for him to be in a position where he will be at risk from her actions and will struggle to make ends meet.

She is effectively financially abusing you both. And she's certainly emotionally abusing you.

See it for what it is.

I think you need some therapy to practice how to say no to your mother. You need to understand that you are no longer a dependent child and you won’t die if she is upset with you or if you feel stress. The stress of saying no will only get better if you practice doing it.

You sound as if you think terrible things will happen if you say no - your mother will break off her relationship with you, your brother will be homeless and it will be your fault.

Ask yourself what happened when you were a child and tried to refuse something. Also ask yourself why your other brother is not being pressured like this.