Worried my brother will become my responsibility if Mum cannot cope

[Shaunansco12]

I'm not sure if im in the right topic for this....
It's long and I think I just need to release some stress 😩.

My brother is 31yrs old still lives with my mum and has never had a job. My mum is 63 in good health but doesn't push him at all, hes diabetic and has been since he was 12 and my mum sort of babys him for it as hes has a few hypos that have sent him in hospital, my stresses have all come to a blow tonight even though its been playing on my mind for quiet some time. Im scared of anything happening to my mum and me having to put my brother up. Im a married 35yr old with 3 children with my own job and it scares the life out of me because obviously I can't see him out on the streets, hes never been interested in getting a job and I highly doubt anyone will take him on anywhere with no experience. Iv spoken to my mum about this so many time but she brushes it of and says he will just come and live with you. It's not that I dont love my brother but I dont no how I would cope with him, he winds my children up like mad and they dislike going to my mums knowing hes there. He acts like a child for example he kept taking my daughters phone of her hiding it and then getting my mum to ring it to see where it was, there's loads of things but to many to right down. What has made me like this tonight is my mum is wanting to move house and is actively looking and viewing houses, there is one going on my street that is 2 doors away from me within her budget and shes rang me tonight saying shes going to get a viewing on it, its not that I dont want to be living near my mum and it wouldn't bother me if she was on her own but shes not. My brother is such a grass and if anything happens hes straight up telling my mum about it, we live facing a field and im making up all sinarios in my head that I no would happen, like if my children are playing outside and they like to play fight my brother would be straight at that window telling my mum what's happening and she'd either go out or ring me. This sounds so pathetic I no. I just want to cry because I no she will try her hardest to get this house because its the exact layout of mine and she loves my house. Im just so scared for the future and honestly constantly on my mind that should anything happen id have to have him. I dont no what I want out of this message just someone to listen and tell me im not wrong for feeling the way I do. And I no my mum would expect it from me should anything happen.

Such a horrible situation OP. I know a couple of men like this too. If he doesn't have a disability though, then maybe he will actually be able to get a job when he needs to? Maybe being in an extreme situation, signing on while he needs to prove he's applying for jobs, will actually make him apply for jobs and sort his life out? 16 year olds do it! He'd probably live like a teenager too and it may take him years to even learn basic life skills like cooking, but if he doesn't have a disability then there's no reason why he wouldn't be able to do it. And maybe it would make him happier anyway in the long run, if he took some autonomy over his life?

He's taken the "easier" route in some ways, but it doesn't sound like it's made him a very happy person.

Not. Your. Problem.

That's what you need to understand. Really understand. Not 'I know that but ... '. You need to truly believe it.

It's great that your husband has been clear. He's your shield. Make use of that, while you work on growing your own armour.

And he's right.

If your m dies, your dB will have to cope on his own. He is not your problem.

You'd be amazed how fast someone can learn to use a washing machine and an air fryer when they have no one to do it for him.

Brutal is good 😊

Frankly, your mother sounds as though she controls all of you. You need to learn to say no to her, while your brother needs to grow up. Diabetes ought not to stop anyone getting a job and getting a life. Listen to your DH and ignore your mother. And stop worrying about the what-ifs of the future.

Well, that’s up to him, isn’t it?

Tell your mum:

• If you move two doors down from us, we might well move house.
• I will not be taking on caring for my brother if anything happens to you - planning for a future where I will is leaving him at risk. Don't do it. There will be no further discussion on this matter.

Then go and get therapy to deal with your issues surrounding your mother and guilt and worrying about upsetting her (she is CLEARLY not worried about upsetting you, crossing your boundaries or fucking up your life or your marriage!!)

Your brother is a problem entirely of her, and his, making. You have no legal nor moral obligation to look after him and diabetes is not a reason he can't function as an adult - your mother is and his lazy attitude is.

(Yes I am aware Type1 diabetes is serious, it is also manageable for most people and being hospitalised for hypos might be an indicator of how serious it is OR it might be an indicator that the person is not managing it properly because they can't be bothered, aren't monitoring bloods/carbs etc properly, aren't taking it seriously themselves rather than because their diabetes is actually very tricky to manage).

How old is your brother? In some parts a of the UK you can apply for sheltered accomodation at 55 and over. That may be a more weight forward list that the local authority housing. As your mother is only 63 - that could be an option when the money runs out.

Does he have any additional needs aside from the diabetes?

How has he been able to claim benefits all these years without being forced to apply for jobs, job clubs etc?

@Shaunansco12
For goodness sake!
He's been mollyycoddled by your mother who's living in a sea of denial; it may be that she blames herself for his diabetes so it's how she copes but she's wrong
He is not your responsibility the fact that he's not kind to your children should be taken as a warning because If he ended up under the same roof as them what damage would/could he inflict then?
And where would you put him?
In with your eldest child??
Make your mother understand you've a husband who's put his foot down and children you care for alongside a job so you'll not have him
As for the house she's viewing she may "like yours" but I reckon it's to force your hand too
As there'd be no excuse about distance/travelling whilst been at his beck/call
The balls in your court
So it's upto you to say and
Does she think you'll somehow be funding him like she does? Really??
I hope she doesn't get the house for your sake as it's time she realised he's a 31 year old man with selfish leech tendencies
And he'll do the same to you if you let him
If it helps just imagine the shoe on the other foot......

OP, it might help you get over your guilty feelings if you frame your refusal to take on your brother as due to a need to protect your family - your children and husband don't want him to live with you, it would cause enormous stress.

Even if your kids were grown and had moved out and were having families of their own, they wouldn't want to visit you if you had moved your brother in.

Your mother has made a rod for her back, don't let her pass it on to you.

He's not a good person to have around you or your children, so you need to stop agonising about what you would do if your mum wasn't able to 'look after' him.

A PP suggested that he'll most likely end up living in your mum's house for all of his life, as you and your brother will let him, to avoid having him live with you.

You need to have a serious chat with your mother to let her know that you and your husband don't want her and your brother being such close neighbours, you love her but don't want to live in each other's pockets, your brother winds the kids up etc.

If she gets thick with you, so be it, it'll blow over as she'll want to see her grandkids, better than you ending up moving away if she did buy the house, that would probably lead to a complete break.

You need to stand up for your kids, their failure to launch uncle is not a positive person in their lives.

So he isn't even making National Insurance contributions. He will end up getting only a basic state pension topped up by Pension Credit.

If you choose, you can always split your share in two and give it to your brothers.

Op it may be worth going to a counsellor to talk all this out.

it sounds like there's deep family dynamics at play and as you've said a few times it's not about the actual logistics or expectation that you look after your brother it's the way you've been conditioned to feel guilty and responsible for his, and your mothers, emotions.

you say you aren't there when he bullies your children but your mother is and she does t say anything - likely tells your kids off or dismisses them when they say they don't like something their uncle is doing.

yes it'll be awful if you tell her you don't want her to live there - the tension and strop will feel unbearable - but then it'll pass.

but think how unbearable it will be for you and your kids having to live so near him -him popping in, him commenting on what he's seen, who comes over, neighbours, your kids friends - your kids will move out as soon as they can and not want to visit much because every time they do uncle x will be over commenting and making them feel bad while their mom and granny let him because they feel guilty about his feelings. He's sly to you because he's jealous, think of how horrible he will be to your kids when they're older and start bypassing him in skills and life experience

I don’t get why you feel guilty. He’s not your child. You keep your third inheritance. Why wouldn’t you? When he spends his he can go on benefits. It’s not your problem and I do t understand why you are wasting energy tying yourself up in knots. Just make clear to him, as well as your mum, that he is never moving in with you.

Absolutely this . What a dick .

I think your mother is cheeky and inconsiderate even suggesting you should look after him once she’s gone . He is not your responsibility. He’s a grown arsed man who will soon be able to look after himself when he has no mammy doing it for him . I’d be more annoyed at your mam for even trying to put him onto you . How dare she . If she wants to cottonwool him then that’s upto her . He sounds an arse and a bully to your kids . I wouldn’t leave them at hers anymore because of him . If she moves near you , tell him to stay away from your house and tell her shes welcome to visit you on her own . If she doesn’t choose to that’s ok . I may sound abit harsh but I really dislike cheeky , boundary stepping , disrespectful Mothers.

I think you need a very blunt and honest conversation and be crystal clear.

Type diabetes is a serious disease and whilst needing careful management isn’t enough to stop him working and being independent. Your mum is not doing him any favours.

If you can’t get your family to understand that it won’t be your problem I would send DH and tell him to make crystal clear. Whilst it might be hard for your brother to get his shit together it should be possible. If that his only condition then why should he get housing and living costs from the tax payer? The biggest gift your mum could give him is independence and yes I would be telling her if she buys the house down the road I would be moving.

Meh.

I would call adult services when she dies and let them know the story (won’t be their first rodeo.) Let them know that the house needs to be sold and his half of the proceeds needs to be managed by someone who isn’t you, and he needs to be rehomed and basically house trained.

This doesn't have be "just how you are".

Your feelings of guilt are not normal or your aversion or fear to standing up for yourself in a perfectly reasonable way.
You can retrain the way your brain works and how you respond.

Like training to get physically fitter, it takes hard work and repetition and can be uncomfortable but it absolutely can be done.

Try reading (or listen to the audiobook)
The Disease to Please by Harriet B. Braiker
Stop People Pleasing And Find Your Power
By Hailey Magee

You can change. You will be happier for it and you will be a a better parent to your children and have better, more balanced relationships with family and friends if you do.

Excellent reply.

Im a type 1 diabetic i have a full time job and a family. Your bro needs to grow up and get a job. Why is she babying him over that? I feel offended that diabetes is viewed this way. Is there anything else about your brother that means he can't work? Without the full facts he just sounds lazy

If you can afford it, therapy is really good to discuss stuff like this to understand why you’re feeling so guilty about it all and work through it. The truth is that only you can stand up to your mum/brother and create some boundaries. Of course your mum won’t like it at first, but trust me they get used to it after a while - it’s just uncharted waters for you so it feels uncomfortable. But you’re a grown up and you can do it!

Why isn’t he working. I know tons of friends who are diabetic and work

@Shaunansco12 Does your brother have any qualifications? Did get gcses ? A'levels? Also what does your other brother do for a living?

Iv spoken to my mum about this so many time but she brushes it of and says he will just come and live with you.

What does she say when you tell her he won’t be living with you?