Worried my brother will become my responsibility if Mum cannot cope

[Shaunansco12]

I'm not sure if im in the right topic for this....
It's long and I think I just need to release some stress 😩.

My brother is 31yrs old still lives with my mum and has never had a job. My mum is 63 in good health but doesn't push him at all, hes diabetic and has been since he was 12 and my mum sort of babys him for it as hes has a few hypos that have sent him in hospital, my stresses have all come to a blow tonight even though its been playing on my mind for quiet some time. Im scared of anything happening to my mum and me having to put my brother up. Im a married 35yr old with 3 children with my own job and it scares the life out of me because obviously I can't see him out on the streets, hes never been interested in getting a job and I highly doubt anyone will take him on anywhere with no experience. Iv spoken to my mum about this so many time but she brushes it of and says he will just come and live with you. It's not that I dont love my brother but I dont no how I would cope with him, he winds my children up like mad and they dislike going to my mums knowing hes there. He acts like a child for example he kept taking my daughters phone of her hiding it and then getting my mum to ring it to see where it was, there's loads of things but to many to right down. What has made me like this tonight is my mum is wanting to move house and is actively looking and viewing houses, there is one going on my street that is 2 doors away from me within her budget and shes rang me tonight saying shes going to get a viewing on it, its not that I dont want to be living near my mum and it wouldn't bother me if she was on her own but shes not. My brother is such a grass and if anything happens hes straight up telling my mum about it, we live facing a field and im making up all sinarios in my head that I no would happen, like if my children are playing outside and they like to play fight my brother would be straight at that window telling my mum what's happening and she'd either go out or ring me. This sounds so pathetic I no. I just want to cry because I no she will try her hardest to get this house because its the exact layout of mine and she loves my house. Im just so scared for the future and honestly constantly on my mind that should anything happen id have to have him. I dont no what I want out of this message just someone to listen and tell me im not wrong for feeling the way I do. And I no my mum would expect it from me should anything happen.

Why had this happened? A 31 year old man with diabetes but otherwise capable, never worked or had any independence. Is there a huge backstory? It makes no sense.

Regardless, not for you to worry about looking after him or anyone but your own children.

Please tell your Mom kindly, that there's close and then there's too close. Clearly explain the hassle factor and privacy concerns with your brother. My Dad had to have this talk with my Aunt who planned to do exactly the same thing. The prospect of it was making my Mom stressed and almost sick. Wishing you luck. 63 is still really young so you shouldn't have to worry about this for a while.

Sorry, listen to your husband. He, yourself and your children are the family you should be putting first. You're not responsible for your brothers lifestyle choices and inability to look after himself. He is 31, he knows. It doesn't stop you keeping in touch and lending a hand when your mum passes but that's different to taking him on in your home full time.

I’d write yourself a list of what you need to do when your mum dies. That way you can transfer the worry and file it. Look properly into what you need to do.

take your brother to sign on and get benefits he’s eligible for
register your brother homeless with housing so he’s top of the list.
let your brother stay in your mothers house whilst it’s being sold and he is waiting for a house.
when you have dates exchanged inform housing officer.

No its not the fact of that at all. It's mainly the fact that I can't ever see my brother getting a job and being able to essentially look after himself.

What does he live on now?
Does he get UC and PIP?

I am 66 (not dead yet). One of my DC has complex needs and we have absolutely made sure that everything is in place for him (supported living) so that his siblings are not expected to look after him when we die. I do not understand parents who turn to their children and say 'he/she will live with you.' However I also don't understand people who suggest that healthy people in their early sixties are nearly dead.

No im not saying my mum is nearly dead at all im just thinking about in the long term thats all.

Because there’s no reason to stress about it. You just say NO to anything you won’t be doing and mean it.

Have you told your Mum you don’t want them moving practically next door to you? If not, you should, and before she has chance to put an offer in.

Given that you like direct communication.......its appallingly rude to pull someone up on their spelling or grammar. If they dont ask for your advice then ignore it.

You have no idea why OP writes as she does, how dare you be so rude?

Your mum could live another 20 or 30 years, by which time your brother will be 60 and have learned how to do more because she won’t have been able to. Your children will have grown and you will probably have moved house. Be calm. You can choose not to house him.

It’s quite important that he claims. If he doesn’t won’t it impact his pension?

If your brother was cognitively or physically disabled in a way that truly prevented him from being independent, there might be an argument to be made that you have some moral responsibility to help if you can. Might.

I have never in my life heard of diabetes preventing a 30 something year old man from working. Certain jobs being unrealistic, sure, but not being unemployable.

you should make it clear before she moves that you are not her backup plan. She is likely moving closer so you can essentially babysit. Just think, now it will be so easy for you to take cook and clean for him when she wants to go out for a day or even go on holiday.

I’m almost your age and I admit I laughed at ‘nearly dead’. Thanks for cheering me up!

My parents did die in their early sixties but it wasn’t a surprise, let’s just put it that way.

Tell your DM you love her but if she moves closer to you with your DB you will sell your house and move further away.
sit her down with your DH and tell her you are not looking after him at any point and she needs to get him ready for the world or involved with the authorities to look after him

You can't really dictate how your Mum treats your brother or whether they end up living closer.
You can insist that all assistance you give each other is sustainable right from the outset of them moving closer.

Don't ever look after your bro in your home. If Mum is hospitalised drop him a meal and ask him to shop and cook for himself.
Suggest he buys a lawn mower and trims gardens.

Don't accept your brother in your home looking after your children. Make known the parameters that you accept.

Absolutely do not give away your inheritance. By the time your mum goes, if its not eaten up in care fees, the fact she has been paying for him his entire life means he has already had his share of his inheritance, so you and your other brother will already be subsidising him massively with a 3 way split.

In your position i would stop asking your mum for childcare. You know your brother is an arsehole and winds the kids up, and it also brings it home to your mum that you are not a unit of "mum, brother, you, kids (and dh as extra)) but 2 separate families.

Everytime its mentioned he will live with you "absolutely not, he's a grown man and i have no responsibility for him. Why on earth should he get a free ride all his life when i have had to work hard for mine?Ask other bro instead".

Re house, "sorry mum, I can't see it working you living 2 doors down, we like our space and DH would hate it. If you have your heart set on that house i can't stop you, but DH and i have discussed as a family and if you buy that house we would have to move."

And everyone suggesting you help bro out with meals, housing list, benefits etc. This man does not have additional needs. He is a perfectly capable adult but lazy. OP should not help him at all. He will be entitled to very, very little help as he has not paid into the system at all, he will just have to figure it out like everyone else.

OP , any push back from your mum on "looking after him" then you just reply "even if I wanted to, how on earth do you think I could afford to entirely support a grown adult when i have 3 children to support?"

Does he have learning difficulties of some kind.

Cos im. Not sure why he needs someone looking after him apart from him being babies his whole life.

@Shaunansco12 where’s your other brother. Why doesn’t your brother move in with him?

I would be setting down the grounds rules now. Tell your DM he won’t be moving in with you ever. If possible I would also be using someone else for childcare, not your mum.

Don’t tell her to change her will. Maybe educate them on benefits and explain that if he has substantial assets he might struggle to get benefits and ask how will he survive when he is in his own.

Wow, your mum expects you to inherit a man child and pay for him?!

BEFORE your mum puts an offer on the house you must tell her you WILL NOT be having your brother- ever. If you don’t tell her now things will be very difficult when she moves next to you- you do realise that’s why she’s moving close to you? She is preparing you and him for the move and also as he is useless she expects at some point you to help her too.

YOU ARE NOT A BAD PERSON FOR SAYING NO TO TAKING ON YOUR ADULT GROWN MAN BROTHER.

Necessity is the mother of invention as they say.
He may just surprise you because he will have no choice?

@Ohthatsabitshit it’s not necessarily true that he will step up and become more independent. The DM will struggle on looking after him, you see that quite often when a ‘helpless’ adult child fails to launch and they are babied by their parents

And if OP still lives 2 doors down helpless sibling will be forever on their doorstep looking for help

You know he's not your responsibility, but you feel guilty because he has no life skills and won't know how to do anything.

Who do you think is responsible for teaching him life skills?

That's right - his/your mother.

Who should feel guilty that he hasn't got any?
That's right - his/your mother.

And despite you KNOWING that he's not your responsibility, and your DH stating he definitely will NOT be coming to live with you, you still worry that you "might possibly have to house him". And you stress about his situation.

Why?

I really think you need some counselling to help you deal with the unnecessary guilt you feel, and the needless worrying and stress.

Out of interest, what is your other brother's view?
Why doesn't your mum think that he should house his brother when she dies?
(It wouldn't surprise me to hear that your other brother has gone low or no contact with enabler mum and waster bro).

I'm wondering if you have a good understanding of type 1 diabetes. I'm a bit shocked that that you've minimized hypos that result in going to hospital. When my brother is hospitalized for hypos it's generally life threatening. Even the couple of ones I've been around that were ambulance calling have been pretty distressing to witness. I also know the recovery time from a hypo is often days. While the levels might be ok there is a residual foggy groggy feeling takes some time to leave.

We are in a similar situation and I assume at some point my brother will come and live with me. The main difference is I quite like him and think he is a positive person for my children to be around.

It maybe time to start having open conversations about how things will be managed. Life expectancy is around 10-12 years less for people with type 1. How is your mum's health? Might she outlive your brother? These are conversations that need having.

Good luck. Diabetes is a shit disease and has a huge impact on families.