Worried my brother will become my responsibility if Mum cannot cope

[Shaunansco12]

I'm not sure if im in the right topic for this....
It's long and I think I just need to release some stress 😩.

My brother is 31yrs old still lives with my mum and has never had a job. My mum is 63 in good health but doesn't push him at all, hes diabetic and has been since he was 12 and my mum sort of babys him for it as hes has a few hypos that have sent him in hospital, my stresses have all come to a blow tonight even though its been playing on my mind for quiet some time. Im scared of anything happening to my mum and me having to put my brother up. Im a married 35yr old with 3 children with my own job and it scares the life out of me because obviously I can't see him out on the streets, hes never been interested in getting a job and I highly doubt anyone will take him on anywhere with no experience. Iv spoken to my mum about this so many time but she brushes it of and says he will just come and live with you. It's not that I dont love my brother but I dont no how I would cope with him, he winds my children up like mad and they dislike going to my mums knowing hes there. He acts like a child for example he kept taking my daughters phone of her hiding it and then getting my mum to ring it to see where it was, there's loads of things but to many to right down. What has made me like this tonight is my mum is wanting to move house and is actively looking and viewing houses, there is one going on my street that is 2 doors away from me within her budget and shes rang me tonight saying shes going to get a viewing on it, its not that I dont want to be living near my mum and it wouldn't bother me if she was on her own but shes not. My brother is such a grass and if anything happens hes straight up telling my mum about it, we live facing a field and im making up all sinarios in my head that I no would happen, like if my children are playing outside and they like to play fight my brother would be straight at that window telling my mum what's happening and she'd either go out or ring me. This sounds so pathetic I no. I just want to cry because I no she will try her hardest to get this house because its the exact layout of mine and she loves my house. Im just so scared for the future and honestly constantly on my mind that should anything happen id have to have him. I dont no what I want out of this message just someone to listen and tell me im not wrong for feeling the way I do. And I no my mum would expect it from me should anything happen.

Please stop him from bullying your kids. He’s an adult man ffs, no excuse for being a dick. Stop going to your mum’s house and if she wants to see you she can come to yours by herself.

You seem unwilling to tell her you won’t be taking responsibility for him in case she has a strop or stops talking to you. What’s the worst that’ll happen if she gets annoyed? Is the fear of it worth not being honest? Letting the stress affect your mental health and your children’s happiness?

I’d start by telling her if she buys the house two doors down you’ll move. She’s trying to suffocate you.

You have the power here, OP! So reframe your thinking.

Make it clear you won't be housing him, and your DH says no as well. Don't say anything about the will. He'd just spend it then come to you anyway. As for living near by, just say you don't want to hear it, and stop spying on your family.

Three years ago I was high pressured to take (unwell, increasing needs) FIL into our house after MIL died. By DH's family, especially domineering SIL (who always gets her way). It's my home, I said no. No. On repeat. No one can move in unless you cave. So don't.

How big was the tantrum when SIL finally had to accept the no?

ETA presumably she wanted you to have him so her inheritance wasnt lost to care home fees?

I really sympathise. My brother is 49 and has never had a proper job or proper relationship. He lives with my widowed 79-year-old mother in a toxic, co-dependent relationship. She can’t cope on her own, and neither can he. In his teens and 20s he was crippled with mental illness (anxiety, avoidant personality disorder etc), though he’s a lot better now. However, he has paid no NI and will get no state pension. He’s so ashamed of his life that he pushes everyone away, so when mum gets ill there will be no one to support him.

If my mother develops dementia and has to go into a nursing home, the care costs will wipe out his inheritance. He will literally be homeless. It keeps me awake at night.

This is so bizarre! Presuming your brother has no additional disabilities, why the hell has your mum babied him like this?? He has Type 1 - so? Thousands of adults have Type 1, including me. It doesn’t stop us acting like adults! I moved out after uni, I got a job, bought a house, had children, and I’m now a single parent. I’d die of shame if I was sponging off my mum like your brother is off his!
It’s disgusting and ridiculous!

When he hides your DC’s phone, tell him to grow the fuck up! And when your mum says you should look after him when she’s gone, ask her why you’d look after an actual adult? He can grow up and sort his own life out.

As for your mum moving close to you, I’d just try to put her off or tell her you’re looking to move.

Again, you do not have to house your brother! In fact, all this babying is damaging him massively. He sounds like a giant spoilt baby.

I don't wish to hurt your feelings - but you're winding yourself up here.

Your brother isn't disabled, he's just co-dependent with your mum. He'll have to sort himself out in the event of your mother's death, you have no obligation to house an adult human being of sound mind, even if his diabetes is not well managed. You can't do that for him.

Big hugs though. I know it's not easy to stand up to family.

You’re being ridiculous OP. HE IS NOT YOIR RESPONSIBILITY. Get your Mother told. The 3 of you are turning batty!

Maybe tell your mum that there’s no point in her buying to be close to you as you and your husband are thinking of moving!
You don’t have to go through with a move, when it’s all settled and she has moved somewhere else, say you have changed your mind and you both realise you are happy where you are.
As for your brother, he can use his share of the will to rent somewhere to live. You are not responsible for him.

What would you rather? She comes and lives 2 doors away with your brother and you spend years miserable or have to move house? Or you tell her you don't want her to move there and she is 'funny with you'? Come on OP, not saying anything is absolute madness

And you need to make it absolutely clear to both of them that no matter what happens in the future, he will never live with you

This sounds like your Mum can't let go.
The only condition he has is Diabetes.
Most adults would have flown by now, Does your brother have a learning difficulty or something else that would stop him finding his own way in life?
I'm hoping to find ways that he wont end up living with you.
Sounds like he's been overly coddled by your Mum, but could do more if he was allowed to.
You are in a very weird place.

No way he will be living with us. Arrange your own lives woman and bro, stop bothering me

“spoken to my mum about this so many time but she brushes it of and says he will just come and live with you”

This is where you need to be firm and say clearly “no mum, he cannot live with me. I have my own family and my own responsibilities and I am not able or willing to do that.”

You let her know that she needs to put the work in to helping him become self-sufficient NOW while she is still alive and capable because you will not be able to take him on if and when something happens to her.

I wasn't there, my mum had the kids while I had to nip into work. If I was there that definitely wouldn't of happened

I obviously know hes not my responsibility. It's more of a guilt thing with me thinking about how he has no life skills at his age and won't no how to do anything. And I no thats not my problem but it doesn't stop me from feeling guilty im not heartless.

I agree with this. We are currently living this with my mum and 59 year old DB. It has long been a dysfunctional relationship. Mum has dementia now and I am losing sleep over the situation.
In my DB’s defence, he is very mentally ill and it’s not all his fault.

At the moment he is caring for my mum (with lots of support) but in the near future she is likely to need full term care and I have no idea where my brother Is going to live. Having him live with me would ruin my life plus I don’t actually have room for him, but the thought of seeing him homeless is very distressing.

I get annoyed with the professionals who on more than one occasion have indicated that I have to put my mum first and let my DB be damned. It’s like they think her life is worth more than his.

I don’t have the answer and I’m not sure there is an answer.
OP - in your brothers case you absolutely must refuse to offer to care for him. It doesn’t sound like there is a good reason why your brother isn’t working. Your mum needs to deal with him. But you totally have my sympathy.

I think that ship has sailed!!!

He's very sly, he doesn't do it while im there, my mum sometimes has to have the kids while I go into work. I'm definitely not scared of telling her I won't be taking him on, I have told her multiple times I won't be. And its not a case of it being incase she has a strop or stops talking to me its just I genuinely feel guilty about things iv been like that my whole life. Iv fell out with people before that has not been my fault but I felt so guilty after like it was, I suppose thats just me.

Your mum’s 63. She’s potentially got years left yet, so why worry about it now? 63 is hardly old woman territory. I know that’s probably missing the point of the post, but maybe as I’m in my mid 50’s I feel a bit 😕 that you’re talking as if her demise is pretty imminent.

@Shaunansco12 just to say I hear you, and hear how difficult it is. A sly leech of a brother and a domineering mother who withdraws love when you stand up to her. That's a very hard thing to try to live with and manage.

Strength

Sounds like they both play on your lifelong guilt conditioning . Very difficult to break free from this but it has and is making you so vulnerable . If you have the money please invest in some therapy for you . Otherwise pleasing your ‘blood’ family will cost you your own . Listen to your husband and kids , you and they are who really matters here.

Now i am a bit of a coward so I might speak to my husband in this scenario and make him out to be the “bad cop” objecting to the in-laws as neighbours. That way you can raise the strong objection without any impact on your relationship with your mum. It’s always easier with someone outside your childhood family unit. You can lay it on thick and say your husband has said he will move if they do and you and the children just cant talk him round 😀.

Tbh, it wouldnt be an unreasonable response on his part anyway. I just think boundaries are easier to maintain when youre the son-in-law versus the daughter. This is the approach i always take - let my husband be the mouth-piece for any possibly contentious issues between me and my mother.

Why? I don’t understand why he can’t be more independent.

Your brother can’t grass on you unless you are still living in a dynamic where you are a child and not an autonomous adult. He can only grass if your mum is still the authority. You feel guilty because your mum has trained you to panic and blame yourself when she gets funny with you for going against her.

I think you can say that’s too close to you, then try to ride out her being funny with you and don’t beg or fawn over her, try to leave her to it. Maybe do it as an experiment as one off even just to see what happens
It’s not ‘just you’ it’s years of conditioning that you’ve been subjected to

Is you brother severely ND? To an extent that he could not live on his own? And why he doesn’t work?