Nine year old daughter joined a model agency but doesn’t want to do the self tapes. Should we quit?

[Actorrrring]

My daughter is nine and she loves going to drama school. She is a very striking looking child and was approached to be part of a proper, reputable modelling agency. DH and I discussed it in detail as at first we really didn’t want to, but she said she really wanted to do it and loves drama. And we spoke to the drama teachers who said they make these shoots fun for kids and it’s money to put away for when she grows up.

Anyway she has been given a lot of self tape requests but no jobs yet. My problem is, she has started hating doing the self tapes. At first, she was doing them enthusiastically and that started to dwindle (this all started in January).

She has a request that has to be in for tomorrow and has refused to do it.

I don’t know what to do. The agency is quite strict - if you miss two or three (I can’t remember something like that) then they basically kick you off their books. (The agency paid for her headshots, we haven’t spent any money here as I know the ones you pay for are scammy.)

Anyway, part of me thinks she needs to fulfil her obligation and part of me knows she’s a child and we shouldn’t make her WORK.

But she loves showing off about how she’s a model and an actress (something that makes me inwardly big time cringe), but doesn’t love doing the work to get the jobs.

I don’t know what is the right thing anymore but I am so irritated that she’s refusing.

She also has suspected ADHD and demand avoidance. I think I feel a bit triggered because I worry about her life in general. She doesn’t want to do anything she’s asked - even if it’s a good thing! She’d spend her days watching tv if it were up to her (which it isn’t!).

Shall I stop this whole modelling thing? Or should she fulfil this commitment? I don’t know!!

Why on earth does every job need a new self tape? And if it takes 30 minutes or so to make each self tape, someone should add up the hours of child labour involved and start demanding pay.

If the agency was effective, a kid should do a photo video shoot once a year or so and that footage could be used for all the selections. It is crazy to make a family do extra work for every job that won’t materialise.

It sounds onerous and that’s before you get to a 9 year old having to go through the process each time.

Op is she wants to stop then fine, it’s a lot for her.

Yes I meant to keep the drama classes as a hobby and stop trying to get paid work as too much for a young child

This is the point I was making earlier. It’s shit, even for adults. If adults find it draining and hard work then god knows how children feel.

And to answer your question…. before covid, it was face to face castings. Since covid casting directors have now got into the lazy habit of just requesting self tapes…. So we have to do self tapes for every job, because that it’s less time and financial cost to the casting directors. No need to hire out a venue and a camera man to do face to face castings, just get the actors to use their own home, sometimes even re arrange the furniture to act out a scene, use their own phone to film it and then submit it so that after all the hard work and effort you put in, the casting director only needs to watch 5 seconds of it to decide if they think you’re right for the job. Basically it benefits everyone else but the model/ actor.

She wants to say she’s a model/actress but doesn’t actually want to do the work. I think you have to let her be dropped by the agency as that might be the shock she needs to decide if it’s worth the effort. She’s only 9 and probably thinks the acting/modelling world is glamorous…I doubt in reality it is.

My only worry is that I’m letting her drop commitments.

She's tried since January. How long does she have to keep going?

Teaching her she is so totally locked into something that even when she tells her own mother she hates it, she cannot leave after 5 months is awful.

You actually are allowed to leave a job (or relationship - think about it) you don't enjoy. You 100% actually are. I am sorry if your childhood has taught you otherwise.

It’s the very opposite of playing. DS1 loved drama and was cast in various tv shows a couple of films and did a few photographic shoots for print adverts. He did a couple of adverts too. There’s masses of rejection and it’s really difficult for them when they get a long way through a process and then it’s suddenly whipped away. We were literally at one point wondering if we could juggle spending six months living in Paris for a movie role. It’s a job and a hard one. I personally think ultimately the rejection has made DS more pragmatic and he is now finishing uni and applying for jobs and the rejections don’t seem to affect him as much as with my other DC. However the days are extremely long and there’s a lot of sitting around. It’s a job for the parent too since you have to take them to where they have to be. This isn’t compatible with working. When DS was working on a tv series the parents (almost always mothers) typically didn’t work and were generally fairly wealthy since travel costs aren’t covered and the pay for kids is really a token gesture. There would generally be a group of mothers sat in their cars all day waiting or reading a book in the waiting area. There’s a lot of time off school too which affects schooling and friendships.

My advice would be to stop it now if she doesn’t enjoy the self tapes. Self tapes may well be all she ever really does.

@Actorrrring So she's already done selftapes and wasn't chosen. Maybe now refusing is her reaction to the rejection. I would tread carefully if I were you. Obviously your child will be the most beautiful to you but you seem to have lost objectivity talking about her being striking etc. She didn't get any jobs because there are so many beautiful, striking and talented children out there.

I’d let her quit but for next time, so it’s a considered decision. So for activities I’d never let them quit just because they don’t want to get up and go out to it on particular day, but I would say, at a separate time when they can think about it rationally, they need to decide whether to cancel the next block or not (and stick to it)

Yes its definitely ok to let your 9 year old daughter quit something that will quite likely be terrible for her mental wellbeing in the next few years.

Sticking at something is for piano and sport.

I would let it take its natural course - ie she doesn’t want to do the tape so either this time or next she’ll be dropped (let her know this of course so it’s not a surprise/shock).

If she continues to like drama she can carry on with that and maybe as she gets older there will be opportunities for her there.

I don't understand the dilemma.

She wanted to try it. You enabled it.
It's not what she expected and she hates the reality.
This is not the job for her. Understand this and move on. Be the adult and say this.

The tapes are causing distress. If she wants to do drama, there are plenty of avenues to do it as a hobby. Keep it as a hobby. This is clearly not the career for her. Protect her and make that decision now - she 9 she has plenty of time to find something she wants to do that works for her.

This is your red flag for action -
she loves showing off about how she’s a model and an actress (something that makes me inwardly big time cringe)

At the moment, she is neither, as she doesn't want to do the work or commitment needed to become a model or actor - she is just a kid playing at it, who maybe has the potential. Watch that her view of herself isn't affecting her friendships.

Also please consider that her abiding memory of this time if you insist she carries on may be “when I was 9 my mum forced me to model even though I told her I didn’t want to”- not the full story of course but it may be what sticks. I would really urge you to let this go. This isn’t the battle to fight.

It sounds like this may be more of a demand-avoidance issue than something specifically related to modelling. The reality is that if you want something, you have to work for it — even at nine years old. High-end modelling is a bit like elite sport or the Olympics: it requires dedication from an early age, and the discipline developed through it can stay with you for life. I think discipline is valuable, especially when learned young. It would be a shame to miss out on this opportunity, both in terms of modelling and the chance to build that discipline.

Sending tapes for rejection sounds particularly demotivating. At least with sport there’s active involvement. Even the pp below who does it as an adult says it’s a tough way to do it.

This is reminding me of ongoing situations with adhd ds at that age. Some battles you fight, some you drop to the rope. The only thing I would suggest is make sure she understands that not doing the tape now could mean she then is out of the modelling/ acting gig for the future.

I don’t think nine is too young for a child to learn that you only get out of life what you put in. Accept her decision but take it as an opportunity to talk about responsibilities. I would not chastise her, just reaffirm that every decision has consequences..

Just wondering if she doesn’t want to do them because she finds it boring now and there’s no immediate reward. I wonder whether whether trying to make the self tapes more fun or offering some kind of reward might help. I don’t mean anything big eg it’s up to you but if you do the tape you get to choose what we have for dinner… or you get 30mins extra time watching tv or whatever…

The difference between sport and modelling is that with sport, even if you don’t reach the top, you’ll achieve something- if you work hard, you might move from the 3rd XI to the 2nd XI, or to the 1st XI, or play for your county etc etc- achievement is possible at every level so you can see the rewards of work. Modelling is not really like that. Quite of lot of kids will be sending in these tapes and never get anywhere- never be booked even once, however hard they try- which means they get exactly the wrong lesson.

It’s also just a completely different sort of endeavour. Youth sport exists in large part in order to help kids develop skills and character. Modelling is a commercial activity aimed at helping clients sell product. Child models are looked after more than they used to be, but it’s still not an activity designed with their well-being in mind.

I’m all for kids developing discipline but this really isn’t the right activity for that. Almost anything else would be more suitable.

This all sounds absolutely crackers.

It does at first but OP also has adhd so some understanding is needed, maybe she got carried away with it all. The modelling idea probably sounded super exciting but reality is dreary and dire.

It would be best to drop it and move on to something that is less dramatic.

Consequences and choices are part of life.

Explain to her if she doesn’t do this, she will be kicked off the books of the agency. This means she will no longer be able to work with this agency. So she has three choices:
-Do the shoot. She keeps working with the agency.
-Don’t do the shoot. Quit- for now. Look at another agency later on.
-Don’t do the shoot. Quit completely .

OP, her wanting to act in the future doesnt mean she needs to be in an agency now. Let her concentrate on her classes and maybe sign her up for other stuff - my daughter is with an agency and she does online screen acting classes one evening a week as well as her musical theatre class. As you know doing self tapes is absolutely essential and if she is fighting you on that every time I would drop it for now.
Are you looking at support for PDA? Sounds likely

She's a child, and she shouldn't be forced to work if she doesn't enjoy it.

Just lay out the options for her.

If she doesn't want to do it, that's completely fine, no pressure. It is 100% her choice. She needs to understand that they will kick her off the books if she doesn't do it, but that isn't actually a problem because it doesn't seem like she is really enjoying it in any case.