Nine year old daughter joined a model agency but doesn’t want to do the self tapes. Should we quit?

[Actorrrring]

My daughter is nine and she loves going to drama school. She is a very striking looking child and was approached to be part of a proper, reputable modelling agency. DH and I discussed it in detail as at first we really didn’t want to, but she said she really wanted to do it and loves drama. And we spoke to the drama teachers who said they make these shoots fun for kids and it’s money to put away for when she grows up.

Anyway she has been given a lot of self tape requests but no jobs yet. My problem is, she has started hating doing the self tapes. At first, she was doing them enthusiastically and that started to dwindle (this all started in January).

She has a request that has to be in for tomorrow and has refused to do it.

I don’t know what to do. The agency is quite strict - if you miss two or three (I can’t remember something like that) then they basically kick you off their books. (The agency paid for her headshots, we haven’t spent any money here as I know the ones you pay for are scammy.)

Anyway, part of me thinks she needs to fulfil her obligation and part of me knows she’s a child and we shouldn’t make her WORK.

But she loves showing off about how she’s a model and an actress (something that makes me inwardly big time cringe), but doesn’t love doing the work to get the jobs.

I don’t know what is the right thing anymore but I am so irritated that she’s refusing.

She also has suspected ADHD and demand avoidance. I think I feel a bit triggered because I worry about her life in general. She doesn’t want to do anything she’s asked - even if it’s a good thing! She’d spend her days watching tv if it were up to her (which it isn’t!).

Shall I stop this whole modelling thing? Or should she fulfil this commitment? I don’t know!!

She is nine years old for heavens sake.
Can't she just enjoy her childhood instead of being thrust into the adult world at such a young age?

Why not let her choose to do them or not, but let her know that if she refuses to do them more than once or twice the agency will remove her from their books?

I think you should just let her refuse and then leave it.

If she won't do the tape, she won't want to go to the job if the wind is blowing in the wrong direction.

I had two children like this, once they dug their heels in, that was that. One was a school refuser and it was terrible. They have matured a lot over the years and now are very successful, but again, mainly in things they want to do!

If you push her to do the tape, then you will have to push her to do everything from this point out.

It's a shame, though, if she's so keen on drama and has this opportunity, but you can take a horse to water and all that.

I'd spell out the consequences though, just calmly, just say 'if you don't do this tape, it's likely you won't be kept on at the agency, is that what you'd prefer?' and see what she says, an open conversation might either make her see differently or confirm in fact she doesn't want to go ahead.

That’s what I thought initially and why I didn’t want her to sign up! But now that she has, after everyone said it’ll be so fun etc etc it feels like letting her quit is somehow dropping a responsibility?! But am I projecting?! Probably! Arg.

I haven’t said any of this to her, btw.

Yes that’s a good idea. She’s so stubborn that she’ll say “yes, I don’t care anyway” even though I suspect she does.

We didn’t do another tape because the turn around was ridiculous and couldn’t make it happen in time. So this will be her second.

Perhaps it’s all a bit much!

But for someone who says she wants to “do drama” when she grows up, it also feels like a wasted opportunity!

She's a vulnerable child with additional needs, she doesn't want or need to be a "child model".

I wouldn’t call her a vulnerable child with additional needs.

I have ADHD myself and I don’t consider myself to be either of those things.

She’s a force of nature! She isn’t vulnerable at all. She actively wanted this. She persuaded us to say yes when we initially said no!

A 9 year old child is absolutely vulnerable.

Wow. Please be a parent and protect her and stop this nonsense

With a demand avoidant type child, I think you need to pick your battles. This isn't one I would choose to fight personally, but only you know what battles you have with her.

She is a child.
Yes, she wanted to do this but (luckily) she isn't committed.
This may save her childhood and mental health.
Message to mom. Be grateful it isn't working out and let her enjoy this childhood which will be gone in a flash of an eye but be engrained in her life forever.

All children are, by definition, vulnerable.

Neurodivergent adults are, to an extent, also vulnerable. 90% of autistic women are sexual assault survivors, compared to one-third of the total female population. ADHD may not come with the social difficulties that make autistic women vulnerable to abuse, but it comes with difficulties relating to being organised and staying focussed, which do impair your ability to stay safe. You are more likely to forget to charge your phone, forget to fuel your car, or lock yourself out of your house. When your brain "helpfully" does the racing thoughts thing turns inattentive, you may overlook a detail of someone's behaviour that would warn you that they aren't safe.

It’s a lot of rejection which can be really hard for a child. Let her quit

Can you think of other things in the past where she did not feel like, or want to do something, then did, and was really pleased she had? If so you could try to see if saying that would help.

If not then, like other pp have said, explain she does not have to do the tapes but if she doesn’t, she might not get a fun job. Try to keep a light nonchalant voice with no anger, frustration, or stress so she does not notice the ‘demand’ part.

What are ‘the tapes’ by the way? Cou I’ll d you say, “ Come on. Let’s do this together. It will be fun”?

I don’t know what you all think these roles are! They’re brands like Boden etc. Nothing weird.

Anyway it isn’t an industry I’m in or have any interest in. But it’s something she wants / wanted.

I will tell her she gets to choose if she wants to do the self tapes, and if she doesn’t want to, she might not be able to stay with the agency and all of that is totally ok by me. (Which it is - this whole thing is a headache I’d rather not have, tbh.)

My only worry is that I’m letting her drop commitments. This might be a hang up from my own parents who wouldn’t let us quit things without having properly tried first. I always feel weird about letting my children quickly quit. But perhaps this is different as it’s “work” and not “piano lessons”?!

Almost everything she does is like this - she wants to go nowhere or do anything if she “has” to - even her favourite things. Even play dates. But she always loves these things and is glad. ALWAYS.

It’s a headache. I feel like I’m always bargaining with her to do stuff I’ve paid for that she’s asked me for!

My (adult) son is a model. I really wouldn’t recommend it for children- you need a thick skin because for all apart from the top 0.1% you spend the majority of the time making a lot of effort for castings and being rejected. The money can be good when you’re booked but it’s not so good once you take into account everything you do for free. I”ve also found the way models are treated quite appalling- bookings cancelled with no notice, models left waiting around for hours. Even if the agency is decent, the clients can be horrible.

I’m sure it’s better for children but generally it’s an industry I wouldn’t be encouraging my child to get into.

She has tried it and obviously doesn't like it.

This is a big worry, tbh. I didn’t want it to be anything other than “playing”.

She hasn’t had a job yet. That’s what I mean by properly tried it.

But perhaps you’re right. She did enjoy the self tapes at first, but doesn’t now (still had to be persuaded to do them though).

But how much of not enjoying them now is her demand avoidance and how much of that is the rejection… it’s a minefield! I don’t know. Perhaps this is something we can stop pursuing for now. I will put it to her in the morning.

This is really sad. Let her not do it, the whole idea sounds bad.

You have to do some work to undo the damage. Tell she can try again when she is 16.

Personally I think that there’s a lot to be said for letting dc try things and quit what they don’t like. They learn who they really are, get lots of opportunities and exposure to experiences. They learn to articulate their feelings, find their boundaries and think for themselves.

I know we’re supposed to force them through years of piano practice, or whatever, because it’s character building or some such, but everyone I grew up with who learned an instrument like that quit it completely when they finally could, and often dropped all interest in music too. Same for compelled sports.

You didn’t really want this for her. Take the out. She’s too young for the responsibility and the reality of the work commitment. It isn’t a moral failing or a character flaw. That maturity hasn’t developed yet. And it is very much a matter of development, more than training. If she has adhd, you can easily subtract 2-3 years from your expectations of what she should be capable of at her age.

You sound like a great mum, who helped her move in the direction of her interests and facilitated the opportunity. But it’s ok to reassess and change direction. That’s a really important life lesson.

Loves showing off that she’s a model and actress? 🤢 you need to stop this whole thing now.

I think she wants to be able to say she’s a model. That’s different to wanting to do the actual work involved. And that’s understandable as she is so young and doesn’t really know what’s involved.

Id not make a big deal out of it as it’s not that important in the scheme of things. Just remind her once that if she doesn’t do the things required by the agency she will lose her place on their books or else she can step aside now and see what she says. If she stops it’s no big deal. Save your energy for the things that matter

She hasn’t had a job yet. That’s what I mean by properly tried it

Honestly, if she doesn’t like doing the casting stuff, she doesn’t like being a model, because the casting stuff is the majority of it.