Adult daughter wants to move out after partner moved in

[2026problemsandDDcanbeone]

context: DD22 is an amazing, lovely person but it has always seemed like at home everything is 10x worse. I’ve became a single parent when she was 8 and chose to remain single until she was 18, when she’d be off to uni. I thought this was the right/safe way of doing things, but now I’m not so sure. She seems to think everything is hers with no consideration for others.

Uni in the traditional sense never came and I’ve never managed to get her to do things around the house, I’ve been consistently unsuccessful. Finishing college was a battle, then a gap year, then after much back and forth she agreed to apply to uni (my terms were either uni or a FT, but a PT while doing nothing else was unacceptable) only for her to decide to do it online at last minute. By this point I was worried for her because it felt like there was some sort of avoidance of responsibilities/new steps, but agreed to it because I thought hey, at least she’s studying. She’s almost done and recently got a FT job along with studying, which I’m really happy about and proud of her.

Due to a recent change in circumstances, the person I’ve been with for 4 years has moved in with us. She’s angry, rude, somehow does even less to help at home and announced she doesn’t need to buy anything anymore because I don’t need financial help now (she’s meant to buy her own skin care/fancier toiletries). I’ve been treading eggshells trying to keep everyone somewhat happy. DP called me out saying I’m scared of telling her anything, which is… true? Today after another (small!) issue she’s announced that she’s moving out and accused me of never wanting her here, that my goal was to push her out, etc etc.

I’m heartbroken. I don’t want her to move out in anger, all I want in for her to try and be a bit tidy and not smoke in the house. That’s it. I feel like if I let her move out angry it will ruin our relationship, but if I ask DP to move out it will ruin that relationship too and after 4 years I am very happy to live with him.

Any advice? I’ve been crying my eyes out all morning.

But that doesn't mean she will actually do it. Have you taught her as a kid how to save and the importance of saving, does she have a high interest ISA to put her savings into, does she have the self restraint and delayed gratification to not blow it all on a holiday and then have to start agaon?

She needs to get out of your house for her own good, she's essentially stuck at a stroppy 14 year old living with you.
When I got married and got my own house I let my younger sister move in, she was slightly younger than your DD is now. Suddenly we had this awful dynamic where she spoke to me like shit, was sloppy around the house, absolutely begrudged contributing at all. Essentially I was placed in the nagging mum role and she was the stroppy teenager! It was so shocking to me because we had always been close. Anyway after one particularly huge and awful blow up from her I kicked her out. And after having to get her own place and deal with her own problems (and probably realising how good she actually had it) she turned back into a lovely human again. She's honestly so successful now, I don't think she would be had I continued to enable her.
Your DD needs to be out in the world for the good of everyone, she won't like it, but it will for the best.

A lot of young people are missing out on an important part of their development, ie house sharing. Because rents are so high, they're living in the parental home and lording it like a stroppy teenager, whilst 'saving for a deposit'. Then buying a house or flat with a huge amount of help from parents.

Where is the independence, growth, resilience happening?

Sure, but she could save enough for a decent deposit in a couple of months, if she wants, and still be able to spend money on herself. Please don’t let her fob you off with this excuse.

Op you need to stop being this soft. You are not doing her any favours. Nor to yourself

Crikey if I had acted like this at 13 it wouldn't have gone down well never mind 22 ...only like this because you've allowed it

She doesn't sound amazing and lovely to me.

Your daughter is a grown woman, most want to leave home at her age or before. If she goes you won't 'lose' her, she'll be phoning and visiting. She is earning now so should pay her way, she'll notice a big difference if she goes into a house share - but it would do her good.

It's your time now. You are still your daughter's mother but she isn't a child and your needs must be considered.

Smoking in the house would be enough for me to tell my daughter to leave. That's crazy.

Come on OP - you know buying an adult all her expensive toiletries is ridiculous, even more so as she is working. You need to find your backbone.

When my DD turned 16 I changed her "pocket money" to an allowance of £25 pw on the condition that this was to cover any school lunches she wanted to buy, bus fares, and all her toiletries etc. This put the choice & freedom into her hands, and she quickly decided she would rather take a packed lunch than buy a school dinner, walk instead of bus, for example. It really helped her appreciate ££ and how much things cost and encouraged her to really think about choices.

She is 18 now & has managed to save quite a bit of that allowance, at the same time enjoying freedom to buy coffees/hang out in cafes with her friends and she can get all the hair products she feels she needs. She has a PT job as well now, and has a bundle in the bank & a lifestyle she enjoys with much freedom of choice. While still in school she has learnt money doesnt grow on trees, choices are to be made, and if you are intentionally frugal you can spend £ on the things you really value.

It sounds great your DD will move out now. I heard the expression "shit the nest" here on MN - I think it means getting a bit caustic to make the seperation process easier. perhaps this is what is happening?

I’ve not read the whole thread but have read all your posts op. I feel really qualified to respond to this as mum of a 20 year old (lives at home, pays board of £200 a month and all his own expenses) and 23 year old (went to uni and stayed living in her uni town when she graduated). I’m also in a long term relationship with someone who has 2 adult children of similar ages living with him. He has similar issues with his oldest (25) who takes any suggestion that they should pay their own way or be a more responsible adult sharing a home rather than a child whose dad will do everything as a personal insult. He wishes he had set expectations earlier which he has with the youngest, and it influenced me too.
Let her go, tell her that you’re always there for her but that it will be good for her to be independent. Ask her if she wants you to help her look for somewhere to live, ask if she wants your help with budgeting, let her know what she can take with her from home.

She's spoiled and she's walking all over you. Let her move out, angry or not, a taste of real life will be good for her, she may appreciate how good she had it!

I was ready to say YABU, but she sounds like a bratty 5 year old! Good grief @2026problemsandDDcanbeone you deserve a chance at happiness with your man now. Let her move out if she wants. She's 22, not 12. Time for her to grow up!

You are not the problem here and fair play to your partner for calling you out.

It sounds like a horrible situation to be in however your DD has caused the issue. She wants to be an adult, then let her go.

This. She's an adult now and a spoilt one at that. If she doesn't like your house rules she's welcome to set her own, in her own place.

She’s acting like a spoilt brat. That said she’s 22 not 12, let her go and experience real life without mummy paying for everything. Reality will hit and I bet she will apologise in the future.

Shes never going to save a deposit because she has no ambition or reason too, if she had she would not have had to be pushed to go to uni, shes very comfortable in a house with no bills, £20 a week and you buying everything is ludicrouse, get the bills together and make her pay her own share, shes an ADULT not a child,

your daughter is possibly viewing your partner as the fulcrum applied to remove
her from her home
your partner should not have been using your maternal prevarications as a means
of removing your daughter from the home, for whatever reason - smoking is disrespectful, ( 16£ a packet but she cannot buy toiletries?) but this is a red herring

I’ve seen this scenario many times OP, be aware - come back in six months time
please and us know how you are doing

why do you see that it is the ‘partner’s’ place to call out a mother
on her relationship with her daughter, however fractious it may be

You are so passive and this situation (of your own making) is so frustrating the whole thread reads like rage bait.

Can you clarify, please? I’m not sure if you’re saying he’s trying to push her out or not (FWIW I don’t think he is).

Youve spoilt her. Let her move out she'll learn a valuable lesson. I would sit her down and explain you love her etc. You're entitled to your own life.

It’s not rage bait, it just all seems to be coming to a halt this morning and I thought I could get some advice here, as I don’t feel like I have anyone in a similar situation irl and I’m never sure if I’m being unreasonable or not.

I agree that I am a very passive person as I’m always scared of having a bad relationship with DD (which is probably what led to this).

I'm ashamed to admit it but I was a spoilt brat and moving out was the best thing for me. I left to go to uni and barely spoke to my parents for a few years after as I learnt to be an adult. Once I sort of got the hang it it, we became the closest ever and in the long term our relationship has been wonderful. Let your DD go and find her own way, and enjoy your time and space.

I don't think you can have a good relationship with your daughter if she doesn't respect you and letting her walk all over you will not make her respect you that's for sure!