Adult daughter wants to move out after partner moved in

[2026problemsandDDcanbeone]

context: DD22 is an amazing, lovely person but it has always seemed like at home everything is 10x worse. I’ve became a single parent when she was 8 and chose to remain single until she was 18, when she’d be off to uni. I thought this was the right/safe way of doing things, but now I’m not so sure. She seems to think everything is hers with no consideration for others.

Uni in the traditional sense never came and I’ve never managed to get her to do things around the house, I’ve been consistently unsuccessful. Finishing college was a battle, then a gap year, then after much back and forth she agreed to apply to uni (my terms were either uni or a FT, but a PT while doing nothing else was unacceptable) only for her to decide to do it online at last minute. By this point I was worried for her because it felt like there was some sort of avoidance of responsibilities/new steps, but agreed to it because I thought hey, at least she’s studying. She’s almost done and recently got a FT job along with studying, which I’m really happy about and proud of her.

Due to a recent change in circumstances, the person I’ve been with for 4 years has moved in with us. She’s angry, rude, somehow does even less to help at home and announced she doesn’t need to buy anything anymore because I don’t need financial help now (she’s meant to buy her own skin care/fancier toiletries). I’ve been treading eggshells trying to keep everyone somewhat happy. DP called me out saying I’m scared of telling her anything, which is… true? Today after another (small!) issue she’s announced that she’s moving out and accused me of never wanting her here, that my goal was to push her out, etc etc.

I’m heartbroken. I don’t want her to move out in anger, all I want in for her to try and be a bit tidy and not smoke in the house. That’s it. I feel like if I let her move out angry it will ruin our relationship, but if I ask DP to move out it will ruin that relationship too and after 4 years I am very happy to live with him.

Any advice? I’ve been crying my eyes out all morning.

Stop being so afraid.

”Dd, stop being so ridiculous and dramatic. whatever you think I have always loved you and love you unconditionally. You are welcome to stay in our home, you are welcome to take a step into independence. It’s a big step for both of us, want to talk about it?”

Can she even afford to move out. Its all very well threatening to do so but what are her earnings. I love expensive skincare HOWEVER if I couldnt afford it I wouldnt ask my Mum to buy it!

If she does move out the skincare products will be the first to go unless of course you carry on buying it for her. She sounds deluded as to what things cost.

I doubt she will go to be honest. Its expensive out there and she seems immature. I would be cruel to be kind here and tell her yes, it’s a good idea to move out. She is now at the age where she should be independent. Tell her that you know this transition from dependent to independent will feel uncomfortable, but she’s an adult now and you have your life to leave. I would then tell her that if she finds it difficult/too expensive you are happy for her to stay with you while she saves, but things have to change, she needs to grow up and start acting like an adult, otherwise she should go now

Ask her if you can help her to pack her bags. She sounds exhausting. It sounds like a bit of distance could be great for you both. Best of luck.

At 22 and working full-time she's contributing just £20 per week and you seem to be paying for everything except for skincare and expensive toiletries? And she's threatening to stop paying the £20 and make you pay for her skincare? She needs to get a grip! I know young people are taking longer to grow up these days but at that age I'd been living independently for 5 years and had been financially independent for a whole year after finishing university (including rent, food, entertainment, skincare, everything!)

My own child left at 22. He is in a house share. There is someone he doesnt get on with. There is one person who leaves the kitchen in a nightmare state so the others took the washing up bowl, piled it with all their dirty plates etc and empty cans that had been left on the side and dumped it in their room whilst they were using the bathroom.

They got the message because the others literally 'ganged' up on this messy slob.

Here's another entitled young adult.

Trouble is rents are astronomical now. In the 70s, 80s or 90s this young adult would have most likely left home at 18, uni or not, and be sharing with other young people. Which enables them to learn the hard way how to get on with people.

If she can afford to smoke, she can afford to buy her own toiletries and pay more rent to you. It's such an expensive habit and yeah, not nice in the home.

She sounds.... like she's been getting away with things for far too long. The lack of cleaning up, contributing, sticking to plans etc. I understand that change can be really unsettling for some people and they take a while to get their heads around it but that's no excuse for the spoiled, bratty rude behaviour.

She needs to go. She may realise that actually it's really hard out there and any flatmates she rents with are not going to put up with this behaviour either and the cost of everything is too much, it will allow her to grow up some. Parents protect their adult children somewhat and keep them in a safe bubble when at home so she needs to appreciate that instead of being ungrateful. Even if you allow her to come back home, set firm boundaries and stick to them. You can still be a lovely mum even if you're not a pushover! Good luck.

@SparklyGlitterballs yes, she sees her friends often and using all her annual leave to travel, she’s not big on nights out or anything like that but she socialises enough. I was concerned for a period a couple years ago but she seems to have moved on from isolating.

I bought general shower gel and shampoo when my Dds lived here and were working anything fancier they bought their own I can't believe a grown woman is arguing the odds about face cream like she is doing you a favour. She can jog on.

Absolutely this

Yep! It's normal isn't it? If I'd kicked off about mum buying my things mum would've simply told me to sod off.

I used to buy all my own living at home. I also used to buy all the cleaning products, laundry stuff because I was a stickler for not testing on animals. Mum thought it was great, saved a fortune. And of course, paid a 3rd of my wage as rent once I finished education and got a job.

Let her go OP. She'll soon find out how far £20 a week goes and that other people don't care about her like her mother does. And nobody else ever will. Is it practical for her to move out? Do you live in an area where flats or house shares aren't astronomically expensive?

The smoking is totally out of order. Even if she stays she must not be allowed to do this.

This
You have clearly put your daughter's needs first and have been a lovely parent. The fact you made an active choice to not let anyone move in until she was older which speaks volumes.
It seems like your daughter is ruling the roost, whether intentionally or not but she is manipulating the circumstances.
Time to stand your ground OP, however hard that seems. I talk from experience.
Sending you strength OP.

Sadly, she is not lovely or amazing. If she was she would not be treating you like a skivvy and bottomless bank. You have created this though - no expectations followed through, no boundaries, so you now a very spoilt brat, contributing next to nothing and doing nothing. As she finds it so unpleasant and costly living with you - show her the door. Nothing will change until you make it.

This is your usual OP and because of that (unlike your partner) you can't see that a 22 year old adult behaving like Kevin the teenager (who at least improved at 18) ruling the house and having toddler strops is not normal. By allowing it to continue you do her no favours. As for buying the toiletries of someone working full time, really.

Moving out would do her the world of good and in the absence of that, you need to get some boundaries and expectations in place that will mean she can start to grow up.

She's not contributing then, contributing would be covering all her overheads and a smidgen more for rent.

You have given her unrealistic expectations of life. She needs to pay for all her basics and pick up overtime or progress her career if she wants luxuries, that is life!

I owned my own home as a single women at 22 with no support from my parents (and whilst owning is mostly out of the question now at that age, living in a house share and paying her way is not).

You need to realise your failings in how you raised her to this point and make some big changes. Moving out is the best thing for her right now, she may crash and burn and need to move back in, but at least she will learn some life lessons along the way.

Not the cheapest but also not unsustainably expensive. However if she were to move out she’d struggle for longer to save up for a deposit. I think only a couple of her friends still live at home with parents.

But is she actually saving any money let alone a deposit whilst living with you?

Let her move out but tell her she is welcome to come back whenever she wants. I'm sure she knows this anyway but it needs to be stated to stop her throwing it in your face that she wasn't welcome at home.

She sounds a bit of a little madam and I say this with sympathy as I had one of those too! Mine matured a lot after she left home and had to pay her own bills and do all the cleaning, shopping etc herself. I'm sure that your daughter would benefit too from learning it's not so easy to be fully independent.

You haven't mentioned before that she was saving up for a deposit. Is she?

Even at minimum wage and with pension contributions and student loan repayments, as a FT worker she should be taking home c£1.6k per month. She’s paying c£85 per month to OP. So there’s no reason at all that she can’t save for a deposit.

Daily hair mask are a reason she isn't saving though.

She only just got her FT job so she’ll be in very early stages of saving.