My dc’s friend has convinced him he’s invited to his party but no invitation and mum ignoring me and my dc at school run

[bermonths]

I will start by saying dc was quite nervous during his first years at primary and he only had two children he ever played with. He is now more relaxed and plays with everyone but considers two of the boys his friends and the rest just schoolmates. He has been overlooked for many parties because of not being very sociable and we have always explained it away with ‘it’s limited numbers and they are only having their best friends’ etc.

For the first time, one of the two boys he is closest to is having a party (9th birthday). The second boy in the group has talked about having received an invitation for the party. The birthday boy said they are both invited. We thought we might have been genuinely missed out (apparently it’s just in the park, not a venue) so I’ve told my ds to say we did not receive an invitation (text message) and can b-day boy make sure his mum knows. Birthday boy has reassured him my son is invited. He definitely is, apparently. This happened about a month ago. I don’t know when the party is - he’s august born- nor if we can even make it.
I’m sure the mum has my number and I do see her occasionally during the school run. We used to greet each other but I’ve noticed now she’s avoiding me/ blanking me.

Not sure if relevant, but when we invited this boy to my DC’s birthday he didn’t bring a card or anything. I didn’t make much of it at the time, but now I’m starting to think the mum just doesn’t want them to be friends. They are both lovely, quiet boys. They’ve never fallen apart. We are a nice family…

Just wondering would you just do nothing, let it play out however and hope dc doesn’t feel left out closer to time and it’s confirmed he’s not going… Or would you message the mum with something direct like ‘it’s ok if we’re not invited, but as your son has been saying we are, I wanted to double-check’..?

Message the mum and confirm the invitation please

Is he definitely having a party now if his birthday is in August?

If the birthday isn’t until August, maybe they haven’t sent them all out. I would speak to the mum at pick up and just ask.

Dc thinks it’s during the first week of the summer holidays.

The invitation text has been received by the second boy (his mum) which has started the whole conversation.

I saw her this morning and she just looked the other way when passing by… She is also always with other people so not sure I’ve got the confidence to approach her.

Kids mouth off some times about parties, they tell everyone they’re invited and then in reality there’s limited numbers/ the mum has people she has to invite/ the parents don’t even know in some cases!( my son once invited a boy but didn’t tell us so no invitation). Parties are absolute mind melts with kids!! I’d say ask the mum diplomatically with your son not around/ message. Good luck op, it’s all horrible at times!

Unless I have had an invitation through WhatsApp or in person I would think my child wasn’t invited. I certainly wouldn’t put the parent on the spot and ask.

i work with children and they tell al the children they play with and some adults that they are invited to their party when they aren’t.

This

Please don't ask the parent, I've got second hand embarresment just thinking about you doing that. I've been that parent who was asked by a mum I don't know very well why her child didn't get invited to the party and it was horribly embarresing for her when I had to explain.

How about just booking something realy nice to do on that day with you and your son and other family members. That way you can just say, we can't go because we've got such and such booked.

it isnt until july?
i would leave it til nearer the time

She's a woman picking up her children, whose child is close friends with yours.
Does she have form for beating up or verbally abusing others, or are you just feeling a little shy?

If you go and say "DS keeps mentioning your child's party - I know it's a little while away yet but just checking I hadn't missed a text" what is the worst that's going to happen?

She'll either say "oh no I've not got round to invitations yet" or "we're not having many children this year and your DS isn't invited" or possibly "how odd, I sent you a text; maybe I have the wrong number".

Go and do it. Do it today. Yes, it's a bit scary; but sometimes you need to step up for your child.

If you haven't received an invitation, you haven't been invited. It's that simple.

The mother is clearly ignoring you .
You didn't receive an invitation
If she wanted your child there ,she would of made sure to invite him.
She knows where you are every day ,to approach you if she wants your child there .
Don't embarrass yourself by asking

Fair enough when younger, but surely they know when they are in year four (8-9yo) who they’ve invited.

My son kept saying he was invited to a birthday party that I knew nothing about. I realised it wasn't fair to put responsibility onto him (to ask/ nudge etc) so I had to ask the mum. It is hard, but not as hard as it feels in your head (if that makes sense).

Just message -

Hello other mum, hope you're well. My kid is saying that your kid has invited him to his birthday party? I realise this may be a misunderstanding, but I just wanted to check so I know what to tell him. It is absolutely fine if this is just kids getting things wrong and I am happy to explain that to him. I appreciate that this is awkward, but thought I better just ask now.

Something like that. It's not you embarrassing yourself, it's you communicating honestly and modelling what that looks like for your child.

Yes. Also the mum may need to speak to her child about not telling everyone they are invited to the party when that wasn't the agreement. It's okay, these things happen easily and are easily resolved

Texting her a message like @AmethystDeceiver drafted is the right move I think - removes any in-person sense of confrontation and gets you the info you need. If she ignores the message you will know it's a her problem, not a you problem. Any decent parent will understand the need to have a clear answer so you can manage your child's expectations.

I had to proactively text a school mum recently as my child came home saying he'd been asking her if he was coming to her birthday. My DC felt guilty and sad as although they're friends he wasn't invited to her little birthday activity. I thought it best to manage expectations and message his mum first. I'd want someone to do that for me tbh.

I don't understand the advice to text her or talk to.her. Why would you do that? You know she has sent out invitations. You know you didn't get one. That means you are not invited.
Unless you're asking for an invite or complaining about not getting one, there doesn't appear to be any point in talking to.her.

How do you know the other boy has received an invitation? It’s very early for an August party.

Because the other child keeps saying OP's child is invited. If that isn't the case someone needs to tell the birthday boy not to do that

To complain that her child is leading other children up the garden path.

Hi Xxxx. Hope you can clear something up for us.

Freddie has told Johnny that he is definitely invited to his party. Apparently this has been said more than once. If Johnny is invited - lovely, thanks. If he isn’t, please can you let me know so I can a manage expectations.

Sorry of this is awkward but I’m trying to avoid upset down the line!

Kids have always done that. It's not a big deal

I think it's fine to message her in this case, actually.

Her kid keeps telling your kid that he's invited to this party. If your child isn't in fact invited, she needs to tell her child to stop doing this pronto. It's just mean.

Either this, or the one from @AmethystDeceiver

I know some are saying don’t message and he’s not invited. I think that would be fine normally except the other child has time him several time that he is. At the very least, the birthday boy’s mum needs to know so that she can stop her child from doing this.