Would you return to the UK and leave your teenager abroad with dh?

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Wwyd in my shoes. I moved abroad from the U.K. with my dh and dd 13. we’re all born and from the U.K. and only live here due to a work visa.
sorry this is long TLDR: Dh not good to me since moving abroad and thinking of moving back home leaving my teenage dd abroad with dh.

I can’t work here due to the visa we’re on. I gave up a low paid job in the U.K. to be here. Since we’ve been here dh has me doing the very long school run twice a day (5 hours in the car total) anything house/chore related is to do with me too. We only have this commute because we can’t afford to live nearer school as he promised we would when we moved here, see below why.

hes run up massive debts behind my back, I found out by snooping because I was suspicious as to why we never had any money by the end of the month despite us having lower costs than in the U.K.

every day my dh is extremely lazy. He doesn’t do much other than his mainly wfh job and also expects me to put up with him whining about everything. He moans about his life, how he doesn’t like it etc. his negativity is totally bringing me down.he has tried to pay off the debt but it’s extremely high (it was almost much his annual earnings) and I can’t see much happening. We have savings but I stopped and thought about paying it off then thought nope I need time to think. I asked him to put it on a 0% credit card but he’s dragging his feet about that too. it’s been months and he still hasn’t sorted it even though the online portal’s are saying he can get a 0% CC so he’s paying 4 figures in interest as well.

I’m thinking I want to leave. In fact there are two reasons I haven’t already, my dd loves this life and I don’t think can offer better as a single mum in the uk with low earning potential, I don’t want to leave her. All my stuff is in storage in dh name. He won’t let me access it. This feels utterly wrong. He says we’re going to get it back soon. It’s been two years so I’ll have nothing and probably never get my stuff back some of which has sentimental value.

I am not coping with a lot here. I have not made friends because I have no money to go anywhere. All spare money goes on the debt repayments. I have no family I don’t even really have friends in the U.K. as we moved about and I lost touch.

I have £100k in the bank that’s mine. I am thinking of moving back to the U.K. and renting. Is that even possible if I don’t currently have a job or even a U.K. address?

i have never even paid any bills. My dh has done all of that mainly because he’s very controlling with money. Even when I worked he’d take all my money, will my teenager forgive me. I am really struggling with everything and think it’s best if I just come back to the U.K. now as I think overall I’d be a better mum from the U.K. than I am moping around being a bad role model to my dd rn.

I don’t think I’d be able to leave my dd with a man who I knew didn’t handle money and was running out by the end of the month. What happens if he can’t afford food by the end of the month?

also once you are gone who is all the housework going to get dumped on? Dad or your dd?

once you are gone how will she get to school? If she’s having to move schools anyway I’d bring her with me.

is there the equivalent of woman’s aid? I feel like you should be able to get your stuff back.

I am however very negative about men due to how I have been treated and how my children are treated by my ex. If you trust him to support her appropriately and she wants to stay then that’s reasonable.

renting would be hard without proof of employment. Perhaps air b&b? Right to rent is easy if you were born in uk. With £100k in the bank I’d probably look to buy a house not rent though!

No, I would not leave my child behind to deal with that situation by herself. You need to get her out too.

No way would I leave my daughter. Maybe ask her would she like to go back to UK?

Absolutely no way!

She will never ever forgive you for abandoning her. You need to take her with you. You can buy a small property in the UK with that cash and won't need to rent.

Thanks. I can’t see the way out now but my mental health is done. We’re all from the U.K. dd doesn’t want to move schools again but perhaps she wouldn’t want to leave me either. I don’t think my dh will let me just take her so I don’t even know if I can leave with her.

Which country op? Maybe someone will be able to give specific advice.

I take it DH doesn't know about the 100k...?

I'd say though that all practicalities can be worked through, you will be able to support yourself and your daughter in the UK. I would never leave her there, she'd be coming with me.

Good luck x

Can you try finding a remote wfh role (with a UK-based company) so you have some extra money and independence and then try to move out with your daughter within the country you are?

You need to tell us which country you are in OP, if you would like more specific advice. It is hard to say if you and dd could leave without knowing where you are. Best of luck though.

You need a solicitor well versed in international custody law. This scenario is precisely why being a trailing spouse with limited rights due to visa restrictions is so dangerous.

I could never ever have left my child abroad in 1 million years. I would never slept a wink again. I’m sure your child will adjust to life back in the UK and if you have that much savings, you’re hardly going to be destitute.
I would leave your husband and take your child back home with you.

What a horrible situation for you. Please, please don’t leave your daughter behind with an abuser (that is what he is). Are there any DV charities in the country you’re in, that you could turn to for support?
Just make absolutely, 100% sure he cannot access your £100k. That’s your running away fund.
Please tell me this isn’t Australia or anywhere in the gulf. Getting kids out of there is tricky.

You need to speak to a lawyer in your current country with regards to your rights and the divorce process because it differs around the world. You might discover that you need to get some ducks in a row before telling your h that you want a divorce.

Where you are is important. You need legal advice as soon as possible because you are fighting a fight on a few fronts 1) custody 2) debt 3) residency/Visa

Firstly The Hague Convention may prevent you from removing your daughter, steps can be put in place to not allow her to leave. He may not be interested in her, but it does sound like he's a little controlling, so this power is something he could use against you.
2) Depending on where you are you may be liable for the debts in marriage. Obviously you want to take steps to protect your funds that he doesn't know about.
3) If you do go for a divorce, your visa status will likely change, I know people who were stuck in the country as a trailing spouse for years, or had to face leaving their children and go back to the UK.

Finally, you might have to break it to your daughter that the life you've built isn't going to last at this rate. Bankruptcy in a foreign country doesn't sound like a lot of fun. I would aim to go back to the UK, with those funds you'd be fine, but seek some guidance from a professional first.

You can't take your child into a shit situation and then bail, leaving her in it.

Well he’s obviously not going to spend 5 hours a day driving her to school is he - so the fact that she likes her school is irrelevant because she won’t be going.

On the remote chance that he does, he’ll lose his job. And won’t be able to stay there, or pay for rent/school/food. So again she won’t be able to stay.

You urgently need legal advice, specialised to the country you’re in.

What country are you in OP? It’s really important. And how long have you been there?

I’m assuming your dd goes to a private/ international school?

And no, you can’t leave her. You’ve already saddled her with an asshole for a father - are you really going to leave her to cope with a situation that you, a grown woman, can’t handle?

Do not leave your child with this man in a foreign country. She will be better off anywhere with you than there with him. If you’re careful with that money you can get a good start back home and there are council staff to help single parents back to work into decent jobs. There will never be a good time, it’s now.

Having thought about this some more, do you really think he’ll allow dd to contact you and see you if you travelled to the current country? I would imagine that he would tightly monitor her online activity and alienate dd from you so that she doesn’t contact you even when she’s at uni rather than living at home. You risk not having contact with her until she’s moved out of her dad’s home.