Monitoring a 19-year-old’s phone use during mental health difficulties

[bendmeoverbackwards]

Wasn’t sure whether to post here or on young adults. But anyway, dd is 19 (just turned). Having some MH problems and has been out of education for 2.5 years. She sometimes talks about killing herself which I obviously take seriously but from what I can see, it’s more an expression of her situation than an actual plan.

She has never self harmed.

My question (after reading the thread about taking the door off) - we haven’t checked her phone usage for several years and at 19 I’m not sure it’s appropriate. I want to balance giving her some privacy and trust but also keep her safe from potential harmful content.

Thoughts?

That sounds like a great charity @duvet and glad things are a little better for your dd.

That sounds really good @duvet and interesting to read the PDA aspect which my dd also has.

May I ask how you enforced the rules? For example, the 2 days out volunteering, suppose your dd just refused?

She knew that when she had a routine things were better so was half compliant. There were times when she didnt go but we just didnt let up on our expectations once we felt confident. It was tough at beginning but it was pretty hellish for us all anyway & id said to her that despite the rules she'd struggle to find somewhere better to live than with us!

@duvet my dd would be very uncompliant! Does this mean I can’t try your approach?

The problem is, its a vicious cycle - dd feels bad about herself, not living, not contributing etc - self esteem plummets, then she’s so low and hopeless, she feels there’s no point. I wonder as a parent if I need to break this cycle.

Yes you absolutely should intervene. Scaffold your dd as I explained I have done with my dd upthread. As you don’t have the input and guidance of experts, I would do it in stages rather than all at once. You’ll be wanting to go a little faster than I have with my dd, I imagine on doing stuff at home as a lot of my work has this past 18 months, has been keeping dd at school to finish her A levels.

If she doesn’t do what you’re asking, it’s a case of reminding her gently and with love rather than any judgment. Tell her you understand this is really hard for her. That you’re here to help her get through this. That you can see she wants things to be different and you’re here supporting her to change that.

Notice little things that she does, which are positive. Tell her she’s you can see she’s making the effort for herself when she does what you’re asking. Just lots of support and love.

@Mummyoflittledragon I do notice and praise dd for small things. But she doesn’t appreciate it and says I’m patronising her. If anything it makes her feel worse ie she’s being praised for tiny things and her peers are doing so much more 🤷‍♀️☹️

If my dd said that, I’d explain there is an expression that comparison is the thief of joy. And that it’s ok to be proud of herself for doing things, which she personally finds a bit challenging or even a lot challenging. Because everyone is different. That if she wants to do some of the stuff that her friends are doing and that seems to be a bit too daunting right now, that’s also ok because she’s busy doing other stuff. And that she will also be able to do those sorts of things in the future. It’s just maybe not right now. And all of this stuff will lead her to achieving ultimately what she wants and if takes perseverance. It’s a bit like learning to drive a car. In the beginning, you start in 1st and 2nd gear, driving in a straight line, then you learn to do a whole bunch of left turns, then a whole bunch of right turns and every lesson perfects those skills. That’s what she’s doing right now by taking those steps towards what she wants to do. And that’s why it’s important to celebrate all the steps and wins along the way. Then I’d ask her if she got what I was saying. My dd would probably just say ‘ok’ because she’s very likely autistic.

Yes you need to break the cycle, shes living under your roof so its your rules, so she needs to comply and like mummyslittledragon says this can be done with love & encouragement but firmness that it cannot carry on as is.

Even with PDA @duvet? Lots of people who suggest a hard line approach don’t really understand PDA.

I can only say what worked for us after nearly 2 hellish years of trying that softly, softly, read it on the mental health fb groups, pretty much avoiding hardline approach & walking on eggshells all the time. The charity works with so many struggling young people in supported living, they see what works & their advice gave us strength. GP is your dds first priority prhaps.

Thank you @duvet would you mind sending me a PM with the name of the charity?

Thank you @Mummyoflittledragon snd I’m so sorry to hear of your dd’s relapse. It must have been so awful for you, wondering if you’d caused it. I still get the guilts about instigating dd’s autism diagnosis 7 years ago and wonder what her life would be like if we hadn’t done it, or at least delayed it until she was old enough to agree to it.