Firstly I'd like some advice: I suspect a lot of the issues I'm going through with my 17y7m DS are covered in the long thread about holding the end of the rope.... to get the most/best feedback from peeps should I stick to this thread or post in there too? (Mumsnet virgin!)
To attempt to cut a loooong story shortish:
Partner died 2y7m ago, a week before DS's 15th birthday. Pancreatic cancer, not properly diagnosed until the week before he died. DS & I lived in Spain, partner plied to and fro. Discovered at his deathbed that he hadn't signed his new Will, which would have made me main beneficiary. We had recently renewed our engagement. He intended to marry me to sort our finances apart from anything else.
DS & I then had to move from Spain to UK, he had to move school, leave all friends he'd had for years, the home he'd known since age 5, change lifestyle/weather/etc. We discovered rather soon that he'd had a second relationship on the go, with a woman 10 years older than me, a near neighbour, who I thought was just a friend (although I had challenged him on it). DS had been asked by his dad to keep quiet about a photo he once accidentally saw of them together/kissing/whatever.
Having been a stay at home mum all his life, I had to find work. His much loved Gran had started to descent deep into Alzheimer's. The legal fight for money ensued.
Not surprisingly he tried a few weeks at his new school but ultimately pretty much dropped out though thankfully the school was superb and with help from them and the Family Support Worker he was kept on roll and at the end of the GCSE year he was entered for six and despite only really having studied for a term and a bit in Spain plus very few weeks in the UK, he passed them all, no worse than a Grade 4. So.…. entered the local college to do A levels, didn't like the attitude of other students and the reliance on PowerPoint by one teacher. All but dropped out. Allowed to continue to just do the one A level he was excelling at (Spanish) & to re-apply for different subjects this term.
Now, two weeks in, he's had yet another crisis and after about a week of a mix of ignoring me, arguing, saying he really does want to continue learning, saying he wants to drop out and work in a fish and chip shop full time and increase his fitness routine & rugby,he's gone the whole hog and messaged his tutor he's not coming back. This seems to be directly related to me taking his car keys because he wasn't listening to me, continues to do zero help around the house, blah blah usual 17 year old stuff.
I suppose partly I want to know if I'm being TOO speedy in imposing fairly harsh changes, or if it's my own fault it's coming back to bite me in the bum because I've been too soft for too long during his long period of depression/insomnia/IBS/gaming after his dad died and when he wasn't going to school.
Ok I won't type any longer but I'm not even sure if I've given the full picture of how unhappy/mixed up/etc I am.
He has a much older half bro/sis. Brother is trying to help but exasperated.
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Too late imposing boundaries but with good reason......
SoggyMess · 21/09/2019 18:10
What shines through to me (as a total outsider) is how much you and your DS care about each other. We parents don't have to get everything 100% right, you're doing a lot right already. I'm sure you'll both pull through.
He is now (I think, from what he said and from the noises upstairs) doing some tidying in his bedroom!
I just can't get to grips with walking into a house I left vaguely tidy, to find he's done nothing bar look after the animals and make a mess.
You've been away for 3 days and left a 17 year old in sole charge? That's brave. And the place hasn't burned down or been used for an almighty drunken party? Be happy! Messy, meh. And he looked after the animals too, so be extra happy. There was a long thread not long ago about kids who'd neglected the pets. He's a good lad.
the only positive thing I've done is find out yes he's going to the ens' mentoring group weekend (resounding good news)
That is very good news. Pity about the gym but never mind. You seem to focus very much on what he hasn't done. C'mon now, glass half full.
Does anyone else spend large parts of the day with a tight chest from anxiety?
Yes, but that's my problem to manage. I worry about my DS, right enough, for different reasons from yours. But my DS could be an angel and it would make no odds to my anxiety. He is not responsible for my emotional wellbeing and it's up to me to manage my own stress and the stress he causes me as best I can (not always very well, I admit)
You really do need to lower your expectations. He's 17 not 35. And manage your own anxiety, maybe with some professional help, otherwise nothing is going to get better until he leaves home. And I'm not being rude - my relationship with my rather over-anxious parents improved a lot after I left home and lived in happy bachelor-girl squalor in a grotty rented flat with another girl my own age, and my Mum didn't have to feel responsible for any of it. 
because he wouldn't care so I'd end up tidying, which defeats the object.
Do not tidy his mess in his space. Well, a thorough clean now and again. Use the binliner process if you like - fair warning, then put everything that's lying on his bedroom floor etc in a binliner and then clean. He gets the binliner to sort. 24 hours later the binliner and anything still inside it gets binned. You don't even have to look at what's still inside (though if you're feeling kind/wicked you could fish out his XBox controller before you chuck out the bag and hide it for a few days ).
If you think he has cognitive issues that making sorting hard for him you could offer to go through the binliner with him. But beyond that his (lack of) tidiness needs to be his problem not yours.
It's figuring all the detail that's doing my head I.
Figure out what is easiest for you. He is not a baby and he's capable of deciding whether he wants clean clothes or not.
Do I accept washing his clothes, drying, maybe even sorting but leave him to put away (but refuse to wash the same clothes if they reappear having spent weeks on the floor?
It's easier for me if my DS doesn't do his own laundry, so I run a basket system. If DS's clothes are in his laundry basket I wash and dry them, and later he will get a basket of clean clothes. Up to him to put away. (He can iron his own shirts unless I am feeling extra kind) If clothes are on the floor I will ignore them, clean or dirty. If his laundry basket is empty then nothing gets washed.
But you do not have wash your DS's clothes at all. Ignore them altogether if that's easier for you. Tell him he can put the washing machine on whenever he likes, or else on specific days that work for you and not other days, and be prepared to shrug your shoulders if he says "where's my clean rugby kit". His laundry does not have to be your business, whether it gets done or not.
"Behaving like an adult" means him deciding whether to do his own laundry or not (or whether to put it in the basket or not) and him living with the consequences of not doing it. It means his laundry is his business not yours. "Behaving like an adult" does not have to mean doing his laundry as often as you think an adult should do it.
I would not expect him to get a job in a month. Instead you could agree a number of jobs to apply for. My DS has applied for internships and failed to get them, and each application was a heck of a lot of work. And when my DH was made redundant (it's happened a couple of times) applying for work was a full-time job in itself. At 17 your DS may not be able to get full-time work, and I don't even know if he'd be allowed to work in a chipshop at that age for heath & safety reasons. Any kind of job, zero hours, part time, whatever, is a start; but applying for jobs is the real starting point.
If he does not get a paid job after a month or so and isn't in college then he needs to look for some volunteer work instead. Charity shop, sports tutor, whatever. But don't talk to him about that yet. One thing at a time. First he should be looking for paid jobs and applying - if he has dropped out of college, that is. It's not clear to me that he has.
I am not clear at what point he can sign on, everything has changed so much since I was young. When I left school at 18 my mother said I had to sign on and that motivated me to find a job within a fortnight! But things have chnaged so much, I don't even know if a 17 year old can sign on. But as soon as he can sign on then if he doesn't have a job and isn't at school then that should be another condition.
the day to day sticking point is the tidying/chores. This is the one which 24/7 has most effect on me even though it's not per se as important as his mental health, future, etc. Someone said he should be given some 'responsibilities' to deal with maybe in a specific time frame rather than immediately I want it done. Ok...ish… But how on earth do I rein in the sheer frustration, disappointment and anger when he (cos I fear he will) leaves a mess in the kitchen, or shoes all over the hall, shambolic sofa with drinks, X box controllers strewn around, etc etc, which has left me doing 98% of everything for two years-plus? Literally HOW?
A couple of suggestions .... As wll as some regular chores that he controls, can you create zones? Zones like his own room that he can leave as much in a pigsty as he likes? And zones of your own that he can't touch? He can't be in the living room in the daytime if he leaves it a mess. He can use the Xbox in his own room only. I get the impression there's a lack of boundaries between you and him, maybe it's a result of grief but everything little he does over-affects you, and everything you expect over-burdens him. So just some zones and personal space could help.
Also mimimal-effort ways to tidy the shared areas, ways that affect him more than you. Get a big tub, if his shoes are on the hall floor they get chucked in the tub and the tub dumped in his room. His stuff stays in the tub til he takes it out (either in a heap on his bedroom floor or properly put away, his choice). You don't have to look after his stuff better than he does.
One other suggestion, is simple consequences. Not huge lifestyle ones but small immediate logical ones. He's leaving a mess in the kitchen? You don't cook for him in a messy kitchen. If the kitchen is messy then you cook for yourself only that night. And leave his mess lying.
I'm sure things will better . Small steps.
Glad things are a bit more positive between you now! Well done for keeping calm, your calm approach seems to have helped. It sounds as if he's not sure of his own direction yet. That's OK. Because it also sounds as if with you letting him get on with it and trusting him to make his own decisions, he's feeling confident enough to tell you where he's at. The calmer and more accepting you can (pretend to!) be, the less reactive and panicky he will be, and the better he will be able to think through these decisions for himself.
It sounds as if there are a lot of other stressful ups and downs in your life that aern't directly caused by DS2. You might want to consider some stress management for yourself. That will help you take everything (including DS2!) in your stride.
There are bound to be ups and downs, it doesn't mean you've done anything wrong or that there's anything wrong with DS either. Sometimes just keeping very quiet and not saying anything is the best strategy 
Hope all goes well with your DiL.
I'm so sorry for your loss And you and DS have both had some terrible shocks over the last couple of years. So you should try to be extra kind to yourselves, and to each other. And give each other time to recover and find your own paths. I think FredaFrogspawn's advice is great.
If he wants to work - then so long as he does it - a job in a chip shop or wherever may be just the thing for him. It doesn't have to be forever. Some of my DS's friends (who were a little older than your DS) did bar work, it's a tough environment but it's a good start in being responsible and independent and after a couple of years a couple of them use it to subsidise their studies and one of them is now well placed to make a good regular career of it. Like pp I have also heard that MacDs can be a supportive employer.
You don't need to think of this in terms of rewards and punishments. Those are for the long term, when you can plan them out and think through the implications. They are not something to impose on the spot, it's easy to overdo it. You can always give yourself time to think things through first before deciding on a consequence, just tell your DS you need time to think, and it's also OK to take a punishment back if you decide it was a mistake, so long as you are not constantly threatening and then withdrawing punishments. Right now, try to keep communications open, and give your son some stability. If rugby is something he relies on then let him use the car to get there. As pp have said if he gets a job he can maybe pay for his own petrol.
Hope things get better for both of you.
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Sorry you are having such a time. Is the Family Support worker still involved? That may be a useful support? I think like some of the PPs I would say just allow him to work in the fish and chip shop - it is his life and he will probably choose to go back to education later. The most important thing st the moment is that he has some sense of his own ability to choose his path as so many things haven’t been his choice.
Maybe write him a note telling him how much you love him and why you're giving the keys back. Three days away may be a good break? Hope the tension eases for you both. It’s so hard sometimes I know.
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