16 yo daughter - totall irresponsible and heading for big trouble HELP

[steveca]

She is causing us heartache at every turn. Bunking off school. Fairly regular user of dope. She's just turned 16 and has a 19 yo boyfriend who made her pregnant. She's just had a nice civilised abortion and the same weekend she was desperate to get out to see him some more. Lies constantly about where she goes and with whom. Now we find she has all sorts of dodgy crap on Instagram showing provocative snaps and video clips and some chats (on Instagram and Tik Tok) that suggest she may be close to getting into even more stupid (and dangerous) stuff. I don't suppose anyone can really help as such but I might just feel a bit better to hear from anyone else that has had similar problems. She is also causing a lot of grief with her younger brother and sister who are getting well and truly cheesed off with her. Any comments or suggestions as to direction or where this may eventually lead?

[steveca]

thenightsky,
Good to hear that you got your daughter back and that it sounds like things are fairly good for you now. I can't help wondering whether you ever sit down with her nowadays and talk about those times in an honest manner or do you just find that you have a couple of void years.
Your wise old friend would appear to have been correct in your case at least. There are a lot of dangers and potential pitfalls out there though and I somehow can't convince myself that all will be well just with a combination of staying calm and awaiting the passage of a few years. Thanks for sharing your experiences.

[steveca]

Butterflybelly,
Sorry to hear all that. It sounds like you're having an awful time of it. When you start to get violence thrown into the mix, it must really seem like it can't get worse. In reality, I suppose it can actually get worse but I certainly hope that it doesn't do so for you. I hope you're idea of moving away helps the situation. Do you just have the one son then? We've talked of moving away but have two other children (younger than her) who are perfectly happy where they are and only seem to have fairly low-key problems that they can generally deal with themselves. They'd go bananas if we left the area and I wouldn't really blame them. On top of that, there are of course no guarantees that moving will solve anything. I certainly hope that it will in your case though. Good luck for whatever is in store and stay strong.

[thenightsky]

At 16 DD took up with a 30 year old bloke who was a complete waster and dead beat dad to a child he never saw. Two years of hell with her coming and going and being vile to us. She moved in with him on her 17th birthday. Luckily she saw the light at age 19 and fled from him (I think he was abusive from the little she's said). She's now 31 and in her own home with a mortgage and a great job and a lovely DP.

An wise friend of mine (age 80) once said to me... hang on in, don't change what YOU do or how YOU behave... just hang on in and you will get your daughter back eventually.

[Butterflybelly]

I’m going through something very similar. Mine has been suspended from his second college. Heavily involved in smoking weed. Regularly being mugged and beaten up. I’m in the process of packing up my house and moving out if the area. We have no future plans for what next. I’m at an all time low. However, I like the post above reminding us to give them love and let them know we are there for them no matter what. Even when we feel like turning them away. Hopefully your daughter will see sense quickly. Likelihood is she will. You sound like you’ve already set some good foundations.

[steveca]

Thanks a lot for giving me your reflections. What you've said makes a lot of sense and in a way digs out what I feel deep down. Hopefully, some day in the future I'll be commenting on here to somebody writing a message like my original one and saying the same to them as you've just said to me.
However, while I'm sure that loads of kids with these problems in life do emerge relatively unscathed into adulthood and lead lives that don't reflect their adolescent years , there are still some casualties along the way and the inappropriate, careless, and downright stupid use of social media scares me the most in respect of the harm that can be caused.
Your basic message of always letting her know that we love her and that we're there for her is of course vital and thanks a lot for reminding me of it. It seems incredible but there are times when something so basic seems to disappear from my conscious thought due to the anger and frustration.
Thanks again.

[JaesseJexaMaipru]

Make sure she knows that you love her and will always have her back no matter what.

I'm 45 now. I have Facebook friends from school including the ones who were pregnant at 15, the ones who visited very unsuitable drug-dealer boyfriends in very dodgy squats, and the ones who stayed on the rails and got their degrees, the ones who pursued careers, the ones who became single mums and the ones who became SAHM with an affluent spouse. The one thing I notice is that there is no particular pattern for which are happiest, which are richest and which have the most satisfying lives. It is not the case that those whose teenage actions disappointed their parents thereby "threw their lives away". Nor can those who pleased their parents with hard work and conformity actually report to be any better off once all is tood, genreally.