Should I just remove internet totally?
Huokvcderwdh · 20/10/2018 10:54
DD is in S2. She hasn't had a phone for about 6 months as it broke. When she did have a phone it was a constant battle. She kept downloading things like snapchat when she knew she shouldn't. One of the rules was that I could access the phone but she was not happy about this and we had sulking and eyerolling every time I went near it. She was also not allowed the phone overnight and there was constant sneaking around trying to get the phone. Life has been a bit easier since she hasn't had the phone. She goes to school 18 miles away and obviously now she has no way of getting in touch if she is staying for an after school activity but on the whole it is better. She doesn't mind not having a phone because it was a fairly basic samsung and most kids have an iphone and she was subject to ribbing about that and she did say all along she would rather have no phone at all.
She was given a laptop, not by me, which was intended to be used for homework. I have only ever seen 2 pieces of set homework since she started secondary, and one was art and did not require the computer. I am unable to find out from the school what homework she should be doing and I don't know any of the other parents to ask.
I had to place restrictions on the times she was using the laptop or she would be on it 24/7. This morning she was on the laptop and I glanced at the screen and she has been in a monumental sulk ever since, glowering and tutting.
She has not read a book since she started secondary. She won't walk anywhere and is grey in colour. She has never invited a friend over because she knows I won't give out the wifi password (we already get random kids coming to the door asking for it and they have damaged my property when I haven't given it out) and she will be bullied.
It costs me £35 a month for internet, which is almost a third of my weekly income. I can't change to a cheaper provider because we are in a remote area and there are only a handful of providers covering the area and I am already on the cheapest.
I am on a netflix free trial and I suggested we watched a film together. She wanted to watch a series she has seen hundreds of times before and I have had to sit though it too. I said we could watch something else and I would let her watch some of the series afterwards. She is now sulking because I won't give her the netflix password. I was never going to subscribe to netflix anyway but I thought we could get the free trial during the holidays.
I am sick of the stress. I am sick of being blackmailed into continuing to have internet because she claims she needs it for homework she plainly isn't using it for.
I am sick of being treated like dirt because she won't follow one or two basic rules. I am sick of the expense. I am free to leave the contract next month and I think I am going to go ahead and do just that.
TaggieRR · 20/10/2018 11:01
Sorry to ask is S2 second year of secondary? So is your dd 12/13? Do you have any parents evenings soon? If not I would try to request one as it sounds v unlikely that she has no homework at all. I would then decide about need for internet. However I’m sure she can do homework at school as I would be loathe to spend so much of my take home pay on the internet.
TaggieRR · 20/10/2018 11:03
Does your dd have any hobbies? What else does she do when she isn’t using the laptop?
owlshooting · 20/10/2018 11:04
I used to unplug the internet when I went to bed and often during the day. It's addictive. She must need the internet for homework, but she is probably like all teenagers and will be on her phone/ laptop all day long if she is allowed to. I once took the internet modem away with me on holiday to stop my son being on it 24/7.
Huokvcderwdh · 20/10/2018 11:13
Yes, second year of secondary and she is 13. I raised this on parents evening. They have homework diaries and have to write down their homework. Hers has never been written in. According to her most pupils take photos of the homework to be done instead of writing it down. She was unwilling to do this as it was too embarrassing for her to get her phone out in front of anyone.
The school have no concerns about her homework but have not answered my questions about how much homework is set and for which subjects/evenings. I have formally written to the school to explain that I have not signed her homework diary to confirm the homework is done because there us never anything written in the homework diary. One of the school rules is that the homework diary is filled in by the pupil and signed weekly by a parent. I have also asked why she has not been sanctioned for failing to do this but they don't seem bothered.
She doesnt have teachers for two of her subjects which might explain why she is not having homework set for them.
If the homework is being done it is not being done in this house.
TaggieRR · 20/10/2018 11:16
I don’t mean to sound rude but are you happy with the school in other ways? I think I would be looking for an alternative school with teachers for all subjects and who enforce their own rules.
Huokvcderwdh · 20/10/2018 11:24
Yes she has plenty of hobbies. She plays sport, does drama, plays an instrument, goes to youth clubs. When she is in the house it is a constant battle keeping her offline. I've tried (generous) limits and it still results in sulks. Today I said she could go online after she had unloaded the dishwasher. A few items were placed on the worktop with a lot of crashing sounds and even this is considered too great a hardship.
My rules are that she can get online, with limits, after doing various simple jobs but it results in sulking every day. You would think she had to do every single household task to listen to her.
Huokvcderwdh · 20/10/2018 11:27
There isn't an alternative school. It is the only one in the area and she lives much closer to the school than most of the kids who go there. I tried to get her into the next nearest one but she would have to stay in a hostel and it wouldn't be permitted as she is out of catchment.
TaggieRR · 20/10/2018 11:37
Ok I see that there is no alternative school. I’d still probably push for another meeting with the school as the homework situation sounds odd. With regards to the constant being online, I’m not sure. My ds is 11 and starting to go this way too. He also has hobbies in terms of sport and doesn’t know what to do with himself at home. Do you know the parents of any of her school friends? Could you invite some of the nice ones over?
Huokvcderwdh · 20/10/2018 11:47
I don't know any of the parents, and she won't invite anyone over, she says because of the wifi issue.
BigSandyBalls2015 · 20/10/2018 12:45
Frustrating though it is I think at 13 they do need phones and access to wifi. It is their world if we were that age now we would be exactly the same I'm sure.
It sounds like she does have other interests which is great. Can't you have settings that switches off wifi at a certain time?
Huokvcderwdh · 20/10/2018 13:02
A phone isn't an option as I can't afford to replace the one which was broken. She doesn't want one anyway. She has said she would rather not have a phone unless it is the latest iphone which is never going to happen.
I do have the internet controlled on a timer so that she has defined limits and she can earn extra time. It is the unpleasantness that results which I find very hard. Being online for a even a few minutes causes her behaviour to become beyond unacceptable.
JustDanceAddict · 20/10/2018 15:23
A lot of socialising is done online, even just arranging get together. You can buy an unlocked iPhone from eBay for a reasonable price and put time restrictions on it through our pact. I don’t understand why you won’t give WiFi password to friends who come over.
Teaonthelawn · 20/10/2018 15:52
I think you need to step back and come up with a plan to address the separate issues. You need to encourage her to take responsibility for her homework and a small number of tasks in the house. Allow her access to the Internet (with usual parental controls and a switch-off at an agreed time) and her lap-top. The free Netflix trial was a nice idea but complaining about what she wanted to watch just caused further problems. 13 is a problematic age I think you need need to chase up the homework but relax a bit over the other issues.
Huokvcderwdh · 20/10/2018 15:56
No friends have ever come over. She won't invite anyone because of the wifi issue. Before that it was something else. But I really don't see the point in her having friends over to just spend time online. I wouldn't dream of asking anyone for their wifi password.
The people I have so far refused to give the wifi password to are just younger kids I don't know who have knocked and asked for it.
I'm definitely not going to spring for an iphone after the last phone was broken as I think it sends the wrong message.
Llareggub · 20/10/2018 16:03
You seem as obsessed with the Internet as she is. My approach is to allow free access to it on the assumption that forbidden fruit is the sweetest of all.
We play lots of cards of an evening. Do you do anything like that?
Huokvcderwdh · 20/10/2018 16:06
No, she won't do any sort of activity with me. She does not usually speak to me other than to ask me to extend her internet time.
thismummydrinksgin · 20/10/2018 16:16
The internet is our world I think your creating a massive issue . I went to an internet safety talk and they said not to filter and block everything but that we need to yeah our children how to be digitally wise and recognise risks etc. By denying access she isn't learning about the internet or how to manage he online behaviour. Personally I think you need to flip this round be positive allow internet within rules, let her have friends round let them on WiFi keep an ear out and intervene if necessary by flipping switch on WiFi (ohh it's gone down). Your approach isn't working and as much of a battle as it is, you need to allow WiFi but be in charge . It's so hard good luck
Oblomov18 · 20/10/2018 16:49
There so many issues on your thread I don’t know where to start.
Why are you not addressing them one by one? Build your relationship with her.
All ds’s Real friends get given Wi-fi code when they are here for the day/overnight for a sleepover. Why wouldn’t you?
But giving it to people who knock on the door? Weird.
TaggieRR · 20/10/2018 22:43
Did you not have friends over when she was in primary?
Huokvcderwdh · 20/10/2018 22:54
No, she has never had anyone over.
TaggieRR · 21/10/2018 10:33
I think you need to work on your relationship with your daughter. Your situation sounds very strange.
Huokvcderwdh · 21/10/2018 10:40
I have been trying really hard to build a relationship with her.
Teaonthelawn · 21/10/2018 13:02
Your daughter seems to be working well at school and has hobbies and interests - be very glad for that. From the list of hobbies I cannot imagine she has much free time left to spend hours on the Internet. Allow her the laptop and Internet time. If you want to build your relationship I would stop battling over things that don't really matter.
NaughtyNoraTheNamechanger · 21/10/2018 17:56
Definitely pick your battles OP. The internet is such a huge part of this generation, I can understand you not wanting your DD to be on it all night but it is one of the main ways people socialise (I certainly was obsessed with the internet at 13 too).
adoptDad · 21/10/2018 18:14
I agree with so many of the replies on here. The best thing to do is pick your battles. As you've mentioned your in a remote area, she has no phone and hasn't had friends over to visit - the internet is how she socialises with people. Look at putting as much child protection in to place on the internet and then leave it at that. Right now she is so secretive with the internet it sounds like she may not open up to you if anything was to happen on there so I'd be focusing on not pushing arguments over time spent online but pushing more positive interaction.
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