17 year old stealing sister's clothes...how to stop?!!

[febel]

Hi, have had a lot of problems and run ins with my DD 17yr old and one of the most prevalent ones is lying and sneakiness...about anything, particularly is she is in the wrong.

She is really annoying her 22 year old sister at the moment she has a habit of taking EDs clothes, they keep appearing on her or in her room. Just the odd item but nevertheless, they aren't her clothes, they are her sisters, bought by her sister. The 22 year old has a lock on her door which she religiously uses when she is not in the house (I and she have keys..we put a lock on as her stuff kept disapearing into her younger sister's room and it got ridiculous...particuarly as YD denies it, and blames anyone but her and it leads to another row) However, 17yr old must be nipping into her room when sister is downstairs etc as 22 year old does all her own washing so it isn't me who is mixing up clothes (as 17 year old tried to tell me) but her who is taking them. The latest is a red tartan dress, which a few weeks ago 17 yr old told me she had bought/her boyfriend had bought her in town. This morning 22 year old has seen a photo on facebook with sister in dress and says she can't find HER dress and the one on the photo is HERS!

I don't know what to do, beyond quietly putting it back, as 17 year old will deny it strenously, there will be ANOTHER mother of all rows, she will storm off, the dog won't eat for days because he doesn't like all the shouting....you get the picture...she is very volatile.
How can I stop her taking things...she has plenty of clothes of her own and enough money to buy them. Her sister has said before if the 17 yr old would ASK she would prob lend them but beyond having a camera in her room I am at a loss as what to do........

[Onlyonamonday]

My two dds agreed to have a shared wardrobe from around the age of 16 they are 19 and 17 now ...
It mostly works as they do communicate quite well about what they are wearing, what for and when.
Older dd is back home from uni now for Christmas and they both said it's great to get their hands on each other's clothes again.
If an argument does ever arise, the rule is whoever it actually belongs to gets it ( their own ruling)

[MrsFionaCharming]

My brother used to steal things from my room all the time. If I complained to my parents, they'd just tell me to ask him to stop. As though I hadn't tried that.

They also refused to put a lock on my door, as they didn't trust me not to lose the key. But they got a lock on their door.

It made me feel as though my privacy and belongings, (and by extenstion, me) weren't considered as valuable at theirs and my brothers. I can totally sympathise with your elder daughter.

[mathanxiety]

DD2 has a friend in university whose roommate flat out stole her clothes and used to hang the items in her wardrobe and put them in her drawers very blatantly. She stole underwear too. The friend complained and was allowed to change rooms but had to spend more money than she could afford to replace her clothes (and she didn't want the underwear back) -- roommate denied with a completely straight face that the clothes belonged to anyone but her, and disputed that the complaining student had ever owned them.

There is a serious lack of boundaries going on when someone doesn't respect the concept of personal property as it relates to other people. I suspect there is also a problem related to narcissism in operation -- that only what you want really matters and other people's perspective and their complaints are irrelevant. This mindset also makes it easy to deny taking things. Most people learn not to take other people's stuff in a gradual process beginning in early childhood. Most people learn not to tell lies that are really easy to disprove too, as they grow up. Either they learn to lie better or they learn just to tell the truth and be straightforward. Somehow or other younger DD missed some important lessons on the way to age 17.

I agree that removing the door might even at this late stage send a message about the concept of where younger DD ends and other people begin. When you do not have your own private space you may start thinking about privacy and boundaries, and it may be possible to point out in discussion apart from the heat of battle how the older DD feels when her space is invaded and her things removed as if they were not hers.

[holidaysarenice]

We sorted this by removing the door.

Entering someone's room without permission is a pain, so remove the door and this her privacy until she can respects someone else.

It stopped it in our house.

[mrscumberbatch]

If my mum hadnt intervened... (And god knows I was a difficult teenager who wouldn't listen.) then I don't think that I'd have gotten on in life as well as I have.


So spare your sympathy for somewhere it is needed or wanted. It just comes across as incredibly patronising.

[mrscumberbatch]

My mum probably called me worse.
But I deserved it.
Can you imagine if I'd moved out into uni flats and didn't respect other people's boundaries??!

Some lessons are tough for a reason.

[Pengyquin]

Actually, I agree with Darcy.

I think if my Mum (in conjunction with my sister) had put locks around the place at 17yrs old, I'd just think, well fuck you then!

Clearly she feels second best for some kind of reason.

Kids who lash out are the very kids who need more attention, not less. Positive attention. Not negative labels.

[Thumbnutstwitchingonanopenfire]

My sister used to steal my underwear, disgusting habit!! I don't know why, it was only white cotton - I ended up putting my initial (different from hers, obvs) on them using indelible marker. That did slow her down.

I suggest that your ED nametags her stuff (with pen, not sew/stick-on labels) so at least she can prove it IS hers whenever it's discovered in your YD's possession. Maybe even with one of those pens that only show up under black (UV) light.

And maybe get a nannycam for your ED's room too, so you can prove that YD is lying?

[TheBatteriesHaveRunOut]

OP I think the solution is to send your younger dd to live with DarceyBustle......

[ScrambledSmegs]

Not really. I just let it go for my parents's sake. He's never apologised or given any indication that he was sorry. It's just a funny anecdote to wheel out at social occasions .

He has good qualities, however I'm not close to him and never will be.

[ScrambledSmegs]

So he was a thief and a liar.

Rather important bit to omit.

[ScrambledSmegs]

My younger brother used to go into my room, 'borrow' my CDs and other treasured and expensive (to a teenager who had bought it all with her own earnings from Saturday jobs) items. He then sold them to people at school and spend the proceeds on stuff for himself as he would gleefully inform me. It's not like he even needed the money, he got more of an allowance than I ever earned! Plus my parents would buy him whatever he asked for.

He was the golden boy and he loved to let me know it. I truly hated him for that.

I still resent the fact that my parents would not let me put a lock on my door. And yes, what he did was stealing. He was a thief. And he lied about it. So he was a thief.

We get on ok now, water under the bridge etc. I won't sugar-coat what he did though.

[WhyYouGottaBeSoRude]

Dsis and i were always stealing each other's clothes. I still do when i go to her house! All the sisters i know did or do this. I thought it was par for the course with girls. In fact my boys have started doing it too. I'm not interfering tbh.

[specialsubject]

the child lies and steals. This needs to be stopped, or she will think she can do it outside the home. This risks her ending up in prison as well as being disgusting behaviour.

the child has plenty of clothes and her own money, so even the pathetic excuse of 'don't like hand-me-downs' doesn't wash.

there may be deeper reasons of course. But the child IS a liar and IS a thief, and these things are bad and need to be dealt with.

[mrscumberbatch]

For every showdown fight I had with my parents, there was another day of lovely familial days out etc etc.

You can't define your entire relationship with somebody by one aspect of your interactions with them. That would be just weird.

But again, this thread isn't about defining a relationship it's about resolving an issue within a relationship so actually doesn't say anything of their overall dynamic.

[mrscumberbatch]

If nothing could assumed without it having been mentioned on a forum then every OP would be 5 pages long.

Also the semantics of being a serial pincher or a sneaky thief... I'm hardly going to call myself a sneaky thief am I? It's not natural to position oneself in that way. Of course I am going to make light of the fact that I drove my sister and my mum absolutely batty because I compulsively took their things.

[DoesntLeftoverTurkeySoupDragOn]

The mother says she lies and is sneaky about anything. That is a negative lens.

Maybe she lies and is sneaky about everything and it's simply an honest lens as appropriate for the problem.

And all the time you go down the locking up route she has zero opportunity to earn that back.

Children need to learn what is right and what is wrong. Talking to her has not worked, hence the lock. She had the opportunity to earn trust back and didn't.

Sometimes kids just do unpleasant things. Sometimes they grow out of it, sometimes they don't. They need boundaries and they need consequences, they don't need excuses and umpteen chances.

My second born brother managed not to lie, steal and be sneaky despite being the "hand me down" child.
My second born son manages not to lie, steal and be sneaky despite being the "hand me down" son.

[mrscumberbatch]

I don't think it is necessary for an OP to have to justify every issue they come on with.
"My daughter said something mean- but I love her."
"My son crashed my car- but I love him."

It goes without saying.

You're allowed to dislike things that your kids do.

I was the eldest and a serial clothes pincher. My little sister was very coordinated and had great accessories. She stuck a lock on her door and I was annoyed- but more so at the point that I had been caught!

It wasn't insecurity or whatnot that made me do it. Part of it was that I am crap at shopping for myself and dislike shops and sales staff so going into my sisters room was like having your own private shop.

The other part was boredom. People's bedrooms are an amazing insight!! Also we were so different personality wise that her choice were totally different to what I had chosen which was fascinating.

We struck a compromise by the time she was 17 because she wanted to raid my wardrobe and come out with me and my friends and whatnot and we ended up having a great relationship.

So there's a light at the end of the tunnel OP... And Darcy- stop seeing 'attacks' where there isn't any. It's bloody annoying when people pinch your things.