Poor living conditions at bio mum's house

[MrsHoldcroft3008]

My step daughter (SD) is 8 years old and me and her dad have been together 3 years, married 1 and now have a 4 month old. She lives with us 4 days a week and her mother 3.

I have recently been to her mother's house to pick something up and was completely appalled at the state of her kitchen (which is all I saw). This is a new build house that is only 18 months old. The windows are so badly dirty, you can see the marks at the bottom of the driveway. She has dirty dishes lying all over the place, the units are grimey and covered in crumbs, there's bits of rubbish all over the place and the back wall is just a mountain of laundry (not sure if it's clean, dirty or both!) During the summer my SD won't go in the kitchen due to all the flies everywhere. Her lunch is put loose in her lunch box, which would be fine, if it was cleaned out, but it never is, same with her water bottle. She often is left to drink things that are days old. She tells us she can't even make cereal for herself because she doesn't know where anything is kept (Inc milk) as nothing is put away.
I have been told (by both my husband, SD and other family that have been there) that the rest of the house is the same and in places even worse, with the bath water being left in so long it's gotten slimey and there is a perminent pinkish line around the bath from the dirty water. There is often no toilet roll or soap. When she is bathed at our house there is always a layer of dirt left in the bath afterwards.
Her clothes have never come back clean and she has marks in her collar from the dirty coming off her neck. When her mother has washed things, they often come back the wrong colour. There are no coat hangers and I doubt she even has a wardrobe. Several times my SD has fallen due to clothes and other things strewn all over the house. My SD doesn't know where her underwear is to change it herself so often has to wear dirty for days on end and frequently returns with stains both front and back of her undies. Her socks are always brown on the bottom from walking across the floors. When my SD was 6 she came back in knickers aged 2-3 and often other items of clothing too small for her (she is above her age for clothes). This week she has this week returned in a skirt 4 inches to small in the waist, which was bought from a charity shop and not washed before she wore it.
They have a house cat. Shortly after moving into the house the cat was locked away in my SD's bedroom and has used her bed and teddies as a litter tray, so my SD sleeps in with her half naked mother. The cat's actual litter tray is overflowing and barely changed.
We don't let her take any toys to her mothers as everything gets lost, including her school books.
Add into this that her mother smokes and she comes back stinking of cigarettes.
She also keeps her off school sometimes because she can't be bothered to wake her up. She has no bedtime and quite often leaves to visits her Aunty at 9pm.
My SD has undiagnosed tichrochillamania (compulsive hair pulling out) which is not helped by the two polar opposite lives she lives.
I could go on, but I think you get the idea. Is this enough to report to the authorities, and which authorities do we call? I have had enough of trying to battle my step daughter into a routine and we feel it's 1 step forwards with us and 2 back with her mother.
Please help!

[forevercurious]

@MrsHoldcroft3008 I do think you’ve been given a rough time on this thread & understand how hard it is when you don’t agree with the living conditions a child is in but feel your hands are tied.


I am also a step mother in similar circumstances, although not as bad as you describe - DSS’s mother’s home smells like smoke and is not as clean and tidy as most other people’s home but he is fed properly and has enough clean clothes etc . He often arrives on a Sunday evening looking grubby (50/50 arrangement although the official court order is for DP to have him just EOW - privately changed to 50/50 for a number of reasons) But school have reported he is presentable and haven’t noticed any safeguarding concerns with his appearance suggesting he is bathed each school night.

Both the NSPCC & SS have had some involvement but it hasn’t gone anywhere despite DP reporting his concerns to them and the school.

Ultimately though, DSS is a very happy child. He seems to understand he has two homes that operate in very different ways. He adores both of his parents and DP would not take on full custody unless he really really had to as he believes his son should have a good relationship with both parents if possible. He doesn’t want to take his son away from his mother unless it does become a real safeguarding issue or neglectful. At the moment we are monitoring the situation.

I don’t really have any advice but to say I understand and some people will always blame the father despite what else is going on!

[Butterflyflower1234]

OP this sounds like an awful situation and I'm disappointed (although not surprised) with all the comments asking what Dad is doing.

Quite clearly Mum is struggling and not being an adequate parent. She is failing to provide basic living conditions. Sadly even in this day and age, SS/Courts side with the Mum when it's not always the best solution.

What has your DSC said they'd like to do?

[AnotherQuirkyUsername]

OP, I can't believe the ridiculous comments on this thread. Good on you for giving a shit. It does not matter what you post about a mother on this site , most people will find some way to blame the father. I highly doubt that your DH is on here hence why you've written a post but people take very little information they're given and run with it.

I'd 100% report to social services, I completely understand why you'd be terrified by that but it's what is right for your SD that matters. Good luck with it all , I hope it somehow sorts itself out.

Sorry people are dicks.

[MrsHoldcroft3008]

I'm actually really hurt by the amount of comments that are highly judgemental.
Can you really blame a father for putting his daughter's happiness before her health. He is terrified that if this goes to court she will resent him and worse, he will loose her as her mother is extremely manipulative and very good at covering her tracks to the authorities.
You guys are horrible 😞

[ChilledBee]

Shouldn't*

[ChilledBee]

I'm not a SW but if I was and saw a bunch of kids being neglected and they had a parent down the road that let it go on, I'd put them up as equally neglectful parents which would hopefully prompt investigation into their current household too. They agoukdnt be unsupervised with any children if they can send their kids back to a shithole

[C0untDucku1a]

@myolivetree because he has done nothing. Absolutely nothing. He could do many things. But he hasn’t.


A little warning, op. My friend was in a Worse situation that you. Her new husband had Five kids with their junkie mother, no toothbrushes, constantly full of head-lice, not washed, medical needs - of which there are many - not being met. She met her now DH and he was doing nothing, because he didnt see it as his job. Openly said how shit their mother was. Didnt see that he was the same. The children are shared children but he didnt seem to see that their state Was Down to His neglect as much as hers, whether they lived with him or not. My friend started the ball rolling with social services as every weekend they were back to square one with de-licing, teeth brushing as they just werent used to it, etc. Two years later my friend, and her now husband, have the children full time. The mum seems them
Once every couple of years at most. My friend has a house full and it is stressful. But the children now have aspirations and are reasonable healthy. It is hard. She can’t work anymore as the Younger children have so many appointments and so many needs due to their early years. At her lowest points she has said, if she had her time again, she wouldnt have done it. She thought the mother would have them at weekends, or every other, but she very very quickly lost interest when the child benefit etc stopped. so she got pregnant again and again

Yes your dh’s child’s parents are both shit. But are you sure you want that role?

[ChilledBee]

Her husband checked out of being a proper dad the day he split with his ex. He has no intention of being a proper full time parent to this abused child. He's moved on with his life.

[ChilledBee]

Don't send her back and tell SS that the place is too messy. It is simple. Any decent parent would instinctively know that they arent letting their kid back to that.

[myolivetree]

How do you know that?

[C0untDucku1a]

Personally i think you're all Wasting your time advising anything. Op isnt the one who should be doing anything anyway, it should be her husband, and let’s face it, he doesnt WANT to change the situation.

[slipperywhensparticus]

Its unfortunate but my friend and her children lived in much worse conditions social services let her keep the children they are now involved again as adults as she has an adult child with additional needs

[Javagrey]

Could you have the child Monday to Friday's and every other weekend. Then at leat she would get a much more stable routine.

[PlatoAteMySnozcumber]

Don’t keep the child and let the mum issue at court for return of the child. You are then automatically on the back foot. Keep the child and issue your own emergency application for residence. Seriously, the advice on this thread is shocking. Just let the child return and make a half hearted report to social services, would you all seriously return your own children to such appalling conditions?

Nobody can guarantee the outcome, we need far more information to anticipate how your situation would be assessed by the local authority or cafcass but for the sake of that child you have to take action.

[ClemDanFango]

At least it might bring the situation to the attention of someone official and get the ball rolling to either get the mum some support or start the process of the dad getting residence for the child.

[HigherFurtherFasterBaby]

@ClemDanFango He could but his ex could get an emergency ex parte ordering immediate return which is what happened to us, despite SS saying we should not hand DSS back.

[Starlight456]

I expect there is a huge backstory already as the dad has more contact than mum so I doubt there is a simplistic answer

[RandomMess]

Could you split the contact up
So it's 2/3 days with you then 1 with her Mum?

Although it's technically overnights that count if you aren't going to ask for CHild Benefit etc then you could say DD would prefer to sleep in her own room until Mum sorts hers...

So aim to reduce contact further without stopping it? Could DD have school lunches on necessary days so the packed lunch stops being an issue?

[Ferretyone]

@MrsHoldcroft3008

I am so sorry to hear all this.

The school will have a"safeguarding lead" who would be a good place to start. The problem is that I recently went on a DBS safeguarding course and the feeling was that little if anything would be done (resources) unless there was a serious danger of harm or death.

[ClemDanFango]

Is there a contact order in place? Can he just keep her and let the mum take him to court?
Call social services and tell them everything you’ve said here, get her dad to speak with her school and lay out his concerns maybe they will agree to do a home visit.
It needs reporting now.

[Elieza]

Has the ex got a mother or siblings of her own? Could they know about her mental health or fill you in on what’s happening with her? It could be a long term thing or a recent thing or perhaps she’s undergoing cancer treatment or something you don’t know about? They may be really worried too? If they could supply some background it may help with piecing together the position. But defo report to school and social.

[MadridGirl]

Do you think her mum's main motivation for having her is the benefits? If so, would you consider letting the mum have the benefits but having the girl at yours?
Not fair obviously. But if it means her mum is willing to let her be at yours, definitely worth the sacrifice.
I know it's easy to say from the outside, but really, I just couldn't bring myself to allow a child in my family be in that situation. Particularly while it's obviously having a real impact on her mental health.

[HigherFurtherFasterBaby]

No idea where that last line appeared from

[HigherFurtherFasterBaby]

DH and I had similar with his DS.

He hadn’t seen the house for some time as he was picking up from after school club Friday and dropping at breakfast club Monday. His hours changed and he started picking up from Ex’s home.

He spoke to her in person and via text, gently at first and asking if he could help, then more firmly. Things got worse after this and continued to do so for 6 weeks, as Mums MH declines rapidly after being “found out”.

He refused to return DS. Went to court. Was ordered to return DS to mother immediately. There was delay after delay in court and it TLDR it ended with things staying as they are because CAFCASS and SS sided with the ex.

Apparently a filthy home, a child not being washed at all, wearing filthy clothes and not being fed properly isn’t neglect.

It has absolutely destroyed DH and me to a certain extent because I really believed that DH would be the main parent whilst Mum sought help for her MH and got things under control (Id had a similar issue with my MH and the state of my home/self, pre having children many years ago and I felt so awful for her).

But nothing was done, her MH is just as bad and DSS is stuck there.



So he refused to return her.

[C0untDucku1a]

@MrsHoldcroft3008 what exactly has your husband done? If you were to list for court for example what actions he has already taken, can you list specific things?