The Goose & Carrot Pub

[RedRegular]

A thread for all who have DC with SN. The thread is deleted in 90 days and doesn’t show in active. The season is changing and the bar is well stocked.

@drspouse go your two!

It’s been a loud monologue day, at least 8 hours of non stop talking at high volume. Longer and louder than our daily norm (which is loud and long). My head is fizzing. Very happy to be in bed.

Hope you got some rest @RedRegular out of interest do you ever stop her? With DD2 she’s now aware when’s she’s going into full on monologue mode and I do say you have 1 more min then my head needs a break. We laugh about it and she now catches herself saying out loud oh I’ve talked too much haven’t it and I either say yes or I say it’s ok you can have 5 more minutes. It’s often in the car or out on a walk and o do just say dd2 my head hurts it needs quiet to process please can we do quiet time now. The reason I started doing it is no one told me that I was like that as a child & teen but my family made fun of me instead & my dad later told me he would hide when I came home from university. That really upset me as no one explicitly told me it was really annoying.,I’m much more aware of it now. I also became scared to say anything especially at work incase I accidentally said too much. It’s a horrible fear and only in my late 40s did I have more confidence to speak out at work which got me 2 promotions in quick succession.

That's great DD managed 2.5 hours without you @RedRegular I am also lost with all the options for the tiny house but have contacted a couple more companies, one was helpful, one was phone but don't really want to do that.

The third company do a thicker shed and can alter to size of base but they don't do guttering, insulation or roofing other than felt / Polyester / rubber but are by far the cheapest and have a good reputation.

One thing the company we visited asked is would DS break glass. He never has to date and DH doesn't want the plastic glass as it looks naff but designs do have glass in them for light and to look like little house. The cosy shed company it's normal glass of 4mm including in door and windows though there is option of a solid painted wood door. No options for different glass, can add I think more windows and change door. DS does shut doors very loudly, it's not slamming exactly but like an elephant is shutting a door. This one have toughened glass options and double glazed options but one I am looking at has glass in windows and doors. They do solid doors but they aren't that attractive and seems you can't do bespoke design there just variations on size. I think windows would be fine though toughened glass seems safer. A little nervous for the door. Though DH reckons will be fine. The thatched one is a solid wood door. It maybe third company can alter door but it seems more tick box there as it's cheaper. They go up to 28mm. The guttering not too concerned about or insulation as could get someone else to do if we wanted. DH is quite bothered about the roof though rubber seems to last as long, it's just not pretty but not sure it's that visible unless you are a squirrel, bird or DS. I will see what listed buildings say, they sometimes can have very specific views. There are sheds here with all kinds of roofs but expect some of them are cheap sheds and people are taking risk on no permission. In theory council can take action but they almost never do as they have no staff and risk is just when you sell though would be a much higher risk if was used at night so don't want that at all without all sign offs. Still awaiting thatched quote which probably is not a good sign for price.

Actually just had a thought of stupid things DS could do. He does climb through windows rather than use doors at times. No glass has been damaged but he might stand on the shed to do that. Though DH reckons our current one is 10mm though DHs measuring isn't great. I know chickens things are 16mm or 19mm and he stands on those.

@FrostySunRun thanks for posting your experience as I do get a bit lost and fumble the save by creating long term difficulties for DD by avoiding confrontation or upsetting her in the short term. DD is aware and asks if she can yap, or will stop and ask if she is yapping, she was silent for so many years that I can’t bring myself to cut her short even if she has given me the opportunity. Sometimes she stops mid monologue to ask me an unrelated random question about a topic I like but she doesn’t and will wait for me to talk then pick up exactly where she left off. This is the tennis of conversation she is trying to develop. My boundaries are non existent and not healthy because I’m stuck in wanting to give DD the best life possible while I am alive as its likely she will be completely alone with no family by 40. Pop your pub therapy bill in the post as that Was a lot from me 😆

@FrostySunRun go you for 2 promotions it’s amazing how much weight is put on communication not ability in the work place.

Sorry if if I overstepped @RedRegular its a very fine line we walk supporting our YP and I constantly over analyse if I’m doing the right things by DD2. Its interesting my mum has a very different mind to mine and I still struggle with our relationship yet my dad who I’ve butted heads with is far easier to communicate with or he was until the dementia ramped up. He’s logical straight forward and says what he means. My mum is SO passive Aggressive and I’m always feeling like I’ve said something wrong it’s spoilt our relationship I just tip toe round her now. I think we all do what we think is right by our kids and your DD has come so so far you have been an amazing care giver and mum from what you have given up of yourself to support her to where she is today.

Yes @RedRegular the “tennis of conversation” is a skill I still struggle with hugely so avoid a lot in life still and it’s what both my DDs struggle with a lot. Yet it’s the number one skill I see promoted above ability / intellect constantly in the work place.

DD1 has a new p/t job which is a complete opposite to her last one in terms of skill set required as she’ll need to talk to people in a medical centre for 8hrs. I’m so proud of her putting herself out there as she’s mostly mute in social situations but she did a good interview and they really liked her even changed the days to fit her sports training schedule so I’m hoping it will develop her confidence in talking and improve her confidence to apply for the health care Uni course she’d like to do.

@FrostySunRun no over stepping, in fact the opposite! These are the skills and independence I need to encourage. DD was incapacitated for so long that I now have her wrapped too tightly in cotton wool. It is very helpful to read others experience and what is good support (setting a time limit and allowing myself to rest) and what is not (making a joke of hiding etc). I have a RL friend who is championing me to release the apron strings. Well done DD1 that is great news!

@RedRegular it's been a traumatic few years, hasn't it? Of course you worry about stunting the precious growth you've worked so hard to cultivate. Even if your worst fears materialise, that means we've got almost 20 years to Goose-plot a secure future for your girl... What can we do to help? I wondered if somehow we could get the girls chatting. I'm not sure if it would work, but I'm wondering if we could somehow engineer a WhatsApp conversation between DD3 and DD? DD3 is very passionate about justice and social issues and environmental issues, so they may find some common ground to rant?

We've got the base in. I was largely doing it by myself, but joyously, DD2 asked if I needed help. I genuinely can't express how rare and amazing this is. She normally wouldn't even notice that I'm busy, or it wouldn't occur to her that she could do something to make me less busy or make the task easier. She willingly carried and placed heavy plastic pallets, constantly lifting and replacing them as I levelled them up.

We went over to the a new builders' yard we haven't been to before to buy insulation. I love those places - Aladdin's cave. I'd forgotten to take the wheelchair out of the car but thankfully the new car is a mammoth and there was room for it all.

I've asked the care agency to hold off starting for a couple of weeks so we can get the cabin done. I really want this agency to start well with DD1, so it's worth waiting until she has a usable space to call hers.

DD1 had the psychologist today. She didn't engage well and was quite dysregulated. The psychologist is a bit worried that we're seeing a manic depression pattern.

DD3's 'phase of acceptance' has ended and she's back into turmoil about her teacher leaving. I don't think I appreciated that next week the teacher isn't on timetable, so everything changes from Monday.

DD2 made me laugh today. I said that I was so excited that her medication is helping, and that I was full of hope that she might not dread going back to school on Monday. She tilted her head and said, in her best sympathetic voice, "Oh Mummy.... it's the ADHD we're medicating away, not the Autism, and it's the Autism that makes going back to school hard. It's the change thing, isn't it...' That's me told!

@RedRegular you shouldn’t be so hard on yourself. Look how far DD has come because of your care. Knowing when to push and when not to is difficult. When circumstances change, trying to find the new balance doesn’t happen overnight. All the trauma and fear add another layer of complexity and uncertainty.

@Lougle despite not being what you would like to hear, that is amazing insight from DD2.

@scoopofmintchocchipicecream i am riddled with fear and trauma of the goose. Did DS1 perk up? Was it the heat?

@Lougle i would love nothing more than for DD to be able to message/meet up/write to all the young adults in the pub as she has so much cross over in interests with all of them. DD is not there yet and her RL friend (who she loves very much but hasn’t seen for 6 months) still messages her regularly but DD never replies. I’m not following the details of DD1’s tiny house too well but it looks like you are building it 😮 DD2 knows herself how nice is that.

@Zeonlywayisup goodbyes are really hard. Hope DS coped in your absence

@RedRegular my girls aren't there either, in truth, but we could have it as a long term dream? I find it so upsetting that people on the main boards talk about all these young people with "anxiety" who can still go to the pub when it suits them. It's so far from our reality. Just getting DD3 to the chemist so the pharmacist could see her sunburn and advise us was an ordeal.

Yes and if they don't go out its because the parents are letting, even encouraging them, to stay in a darkened room watching Netflix. The parents according to some of main board should be chucking them out then they would magically self cure and be able to work full time in NMW jobs, the ones there's such an excess of which always go to people with no qualifications, health issues etc. I wonder if these people read part of posts and don't realise the full picture as normally if I say they'll say they don't mean people like DS. I normally just ignore as the reforms and threat to DS, the parent blame (think many on here are teachers) and reminders of the failures of the past upset me.

The ridiculous thing is people say it wasn't like that in my day and NEET numbers were historically higher as mass higher education hadn't started and teenage pregnancy was rife - 5% of girls in my year were pregnant pre 16. But quite a bit was hidden in those days in special schools, my grandmother worked in one and the kids were just lined up on benches. Would have been out of sight and very cheap to run. My grandmother seemed on a quick look as a child to have about 15 SN kids by herself and was paid below a teacher. The kids just seemed to sit there. It was more childcare.

DH last night was saying he wanted to use 1/4 of his pension money to buy a house in the middle of nowhere in France and did I like it. I had to explain that would leave us very tight and no I was not keen. I feel bad as he is French but its not an area anyone but him would want to visit and we don't have money for that plus normal holidays plus he would need to be visiting for upkeep and they are very vulnerable to easy extra taxes, infact I think they already exist. French inheritance rules mean it would pass to DD and DS but French property is very slow to sell. He does have a property anyway in Paris which he makes no money on as he rents it out for far below market value and in France there's rules over how you can increase so little can be done. That property is also going to cause issues if DH dies and DS isn't better but at least should be easier to sell. And DH hopefully won't die anytime soon. His Dad lived another 22 years from now though in very poor health the last 5-10 years.

DH has at least given me some figures with the maximum he would contribute to a tiny house / shed /office but he doesn't like company 3 as its too windowy. They are the best value for money but aren't as pretty as the others, they are more solid and chunky. DS was going round all yesterday shutting doors very loudly and I was thinking whatever we buy it will be trashed so we may as well get the cheapest one so I'll be less annoyed and have lost less money. I think in the night he may have fed the cat an extra tuna as a tin has appeared where we wouldn't put it. He is sticking to paths well and lawn is looking great still. Still manages to get some mud in house but it is much less.

It annoys me too. DD2 wouldn’t have been willing not to eat and drink for 2 weeks in the mother and baby unit, because everything was “contaminated”, if her anxiety could be cured by a job - the fact, she was sectioned aside! MH HCPs don’t go round sectioning people at the drop of a hat!

I also don’t think they understand ADHD means DD2 can’t drive, cope with three saucepans on the job, understand what she reads, can’t follow multi stage instructions and so much more! It really is a disability for her; far more so than DH, who still struggles!

@Tulipandmagnolia If I were you, I’d get DH to get professional advice on:

1. if the trustees or whoever is in charge of his pension scheme, would allow him to buy another house; and what the projected income from the pension would be, if he took a 1/4 out now? For instance, my DH has a SIPP and he could invest part of his pension in another property, so long as it was let out and provided a commercial rent income. Would the pension provide enough income for you and DH for the rest of your lives or not? I don’t know how public sector pensions work in your scenario?
2. wills and Inheritance tax, with a solicitor, with and without a second property in France? I don’t know how inheritance tax works on assets in France, which are subject to different taxes and inheritance laws?

It may be you don’t have enough assets to fall within inheritance tax.

We signed our wills this week. We own our house as tenants in common. On the death of the first spouse, their half share of the house goes into a trust with the surviving spouse as a life tenant. They could live in the house, for the rest of their life or move somewhere else. On the second death, the first spouse’s share of the house goes to the three DC - disabled persons trusts for DD1 and 2. Then, if the second spouse went into a care home or remarried, the first spouse’s share won’t get eaten up by care home fees, or left to anyone else on a second marriage. If DDs die without children, on their death (realistically DD1), the money in the disabled trust goes to the surviving DC equally. DS and our niece are the executors and trustees.

(We will fall into inheritance tax, because of DH’s SIPP).

Thanks @BlueandWhitePorcelain Yes we will be well into inheritance tax once they change the rules in 2027 to add pensions in. DH also will inherit a lot from his French Mum who is 93. But its all very complicated. DH and I have money separately and own house outright together which passes to the other on death of one and we both have enough to not need anything from the other. DD is quite independent and will be fine - the current French inheritance rules (which the EU is taking to court to get overturned) mean any French property passes to the children through the forced heirship rules. Currently that's DH house in France, if his Mum dies she has a big 10 bedroom house, a shop, land and various other things which will split between him and his brother, possibly also his unmarried aunt but think not. The issue will be DS - he'll inherit but not have capacity to access it as things stand. But its hopefully a long time in future and there's no easy solution with the French / British thing and the rules change every couple of years so you could just spend a fortune in legal fees every couple of years. The main thing is DH ideally needs to stay UK resident otherwise all his is subject to French inheritance. DH seems to have abandoned the house idea for now. It might be something we could do in future but not ideal now. I want to get our house perfect and as much as we can sorted for DS before we do that and I also don't want it somewhere boring. DH has been looking for houses in France for about 15 years, its largely fantasy and he's the most indecisive person ever.

DH and I have just done 4 hours gardening, got lawn mowed, silkies house cleaned and leaves etc clear from almost all the garden. It was cute the silkies went behind the garden shed and were singing and the neighbours ducks were quacking back taking it in turns. All the membership cancellations have gone through so that's about £350 saved.

@RedRegular I think it was the heat. DS1 hasn’t been as sleepy yesterday or today.

I am asking this here because you lot will all understand about finding the right clothing.

DD2 wears sports bras instead of normal bras because of her sensory needs. Specifically the old style of Nike sports bras. She needs some new ones. Nike changed their style a while ago and the band is not as soft now. DD2 has tried dozens of makes and styles over the last few months but none are right. This is the type she wears on Vinted but DD2 isn’t keen on wearing a second hand sports bra. If anyone has any suggestions for ones with a soft band, they would be very gratefully received.

@scoopofmintchocchipicecream DD doesn’t wear one sorry can’t be of help. She has dozens in her drawers I will have a little look tomorrow to see if any have an extra soft band. Heat fatigue is better than illness it’s going to rain next week hope DS1 perks up.

@scoopofmintchocchipicecream would she be open to a slight change? DD3 hates seams, etc., and I bought her these https://www.marksandspencer.com/non-wired-v-neck-crop-top-a-e-/p/clp60783209#intid=pid_pg1pip48g2r9c2%7Cprodflag_plp_ts_QPH_84

I decided to get myself some and I have never worn such a comfortable crop top.

All I can say is DD1 wears M & S non wired t shirt bras; but then clothes labels used to be a problem for her; and she grew out of it. She has other sensory problems like noises and luke warm baths; but noises are the biggest problem!

DGD is much more fussy about clothes - joggers only for her school trousers; she won’t wear the standard school trousers or jeans. Too stiff or something. Unfortunately for this purpose, she’s not onto bras yet. Noise is another big one for her.

scoopofmintchocchipicecream Dd stopped wearing bras ages ago apart from occasionally just before a period so even if I could remember what she has it has probably changed now. I feel the pain of changing styles though. We couldn't get the type of vests Dd likes from M&S this winter even though you would think children's basic white school vests are absolutely standard.