sympathy needed here please (very whingey post)

[sadmummy]

Sorry - I've changed my name just in case of passing relatives/friends
Yesterday was a very stressful day and I haven't got anyone else to talk to about it (I work with dh so can't talk to colleagues, friends live miles away and don't have kids anyway and my family would just stress out about the whole thing). So hope you don't mind if I just offload all my woes onto mumsnets broad shoulders. I don't suppose I'm really looking for advice, just tea and sympathy.
Poor little ds fell into a mop bucket yesterday (OK I know it prob sounds funny!.) I was cleaning the floors and left dh and ds playing with toys in a small basin of water. But dh was not paying attention and while his back was turned, ds crawled off and overturned the bucket onto his head and swallowed some of it and started choking on it. I heard the noise and ran out and found ds lying on the floor unable to breath and waving his little arms and legs around feebly. Dh was only a metre or so away from him but his back was turned. He was still unaware that anything had happened at all. I picked ds up and slapped his back a couple of times and then we went to casualty just to check his little lungs and stomach were OK after swallowing bleach in the water.
Everything was fine and I'm trying very hard not to blame dh for not watching him properly. In fact, at first I didn't blame him at all because after all accidents can happen even in a split second and it's impossible to watch our kids all all all the time. But dh just seems really nonchalant about the whole thing and doesn't seem to think that babies need watching when they are anywhere near water any more than they do when just crawling around on the floor in general.
DH is generally very laid back about this kind of thing and maybe I am too uptight but I just find it impossible to convince him that sometimes he needs to take more care of our ds. This is the latest of a long line of 'not serious but could have been' incidents
I can't help thinking what could have happened. Today I feel very tearful. Of course I also blame myself for not paying more attention to where the bucket was. Oh woe. Could someone just write something sympathetic to make me feel better?

[sadmummy]

thanks everyone for cyberhugs and words of support. Even writing it down made me feel a whole lot better about everything and then it was great to get all your messages later on. Poor ds now has a cold - probably after being stripped off in casualty - so more guilt for mummy - but does that ever really end??
I think dh knows really that he has to be more careful when he's watching ds - I sometimes wonder if my nagging has the opposite effect. So now I'm determined to chill out and try to really casually introduce the topic some time next week. It helps a lot getting it off my chest to mumsnetters first - before that my head was filled with gremlins shouting silently at dh

thanks everyone

[Ghosty]

Sadmummy ... big sympathies .... My DH is the same ... very nonchalant when DS hurts himself. Drives me mad ... I put it down to the way his parents brought him up (stiff upper lip and all that).
I was in shock for days when DS whent over the top of his little car and managed to put a big hole in his chin .... I felt like the worst mother in the world and even though I know there was nothing I could have done to stop it I still feel guilty when I look at the scar ...
Babies and toddlers are accidents waiting to happen ... we have to be vigilant but we just can't stop it happening every time ... it is part of parenting .... try to be kind to yourself and give yourself a bit of slack ....
Hugs {{{{}}}}

[mmm]

Poor dear Sadmummy.Our little sweethearts are SO precious one always wants everybody to be as vigilant as one is oneself. You've had a horrible shock, little ds is none the worse for wear but it sounds as though you need a good cry and a long cuddle. I hope you get one. xx

[WideWebWitch]

Sadmummy, sympathy from here too. Your ds is Ok and that's the main thing but I do understand how frustrating it can be when other people don't get it re danger. Can you try talking to DH about it later, when you've calmed even more? I agree, you probably are in shock a bit, hope you feel better soon.

[codswallop]

we had a light crahing down from our conservatory minutes after the new born had left the room. i felt sick at the thought of what could have been. but it didnt and i needed to accept that. its easier said thgan done isnt it?

[jasper]

sadmummy what is doubly annoying about this is your dh got to play with ds while you mopped the floors!
Tell your dh he has to be more vigilant where water is concerned.

One of my friend's brothers drowned in a garden pond.
The journalist Muriel Gray's daughter suffered permanent brain damage following a near drowning in a neighbour's pond while at her childminder.
My two year old daughter fell in the garden paddling pool and managed to trap herself, face under; I was standing right beside her at the time but had been going in and out the house to fill buckets.

These "what if" moments can really shake you up, and you have all our sympathies.

[butterflymum]

I really think that it is a 'men' thing - deep down they do care about the youngsters but they are not 'programmed' to respond the way women do.

Take comfort that you are not alone - I am sure that this is a fairly common occurence in homes everywhere. It certainly is in ours.

Hope your son is ok now and that you feel a bit better about the whole situation now that you have 'got it off your chest'. I think it is worth having a chat with your hubby though. They may not be 'programmed' but that shouldn't stop them from 'learning'. Choose the right moment and let him know calmly and seriously how the whole thing really affected you - after all parenting is as much his responsibility as it is yours.

Best wishes.

[princesspeahead]

poor you - it sounds as though you may have a bit of shock today (hence the tearfulness), not surprisingly. isn't it bizarre when accidents happen with such innocuous things? but please don't beat yourself up about it. Of course you heard your ds in trouble before your dh did - you have mother-radar which he will always lack - but I'm sure that if you were nowhere near he would also have come to ds's rescue, but probably 30 secs or so after you did, nothing dreadful would have happened to him with your dh there.
with a bit of luck your dh will be more shaken up by this than you think, if not you could use it as an excuse to give him a bit of a lecture about safety etc. But please don't worry! Some things are unforseeable and unavoidable and no harm was done to him in the end.

[fio2]

glad your ds is fine. It reminds me of when my ds choked on a 2p I had to put my finger in his mouth to get it out of his gullet, it really shook me up and still does. Dont be so hard on yourself these things happen, little ones are so quick and accidents do happen.

[M2T]

Does sound scarey! My dp is kind of the same and I used to be terrified to leave him alone with ds.... sometimes he wouldn't lock the stair gate.... he'd leave ds alone eating his tea.... y'know, stuff like that. Ds was quite prone to shoving too much food in his mouth at once and choke. Dp would sit him in his highchair with his lunch then go upstairs for a shave!! He's much better now (ds is 2 on friday) after one too many 'near misses'!

I hope he sees sense soon. in the meantime keep at him!

Certainly do NOT blame yourself.... these things happen and ds is okay.

[SamboM]

Oh Sadmummy, you poor thing. It is so awful isn't it when that sort of thing happens.

I know my dh doesn't pay as much attention to dd as i do (eg she ends up in the dog's water bowl or in the dog's bed, though she can whizz across there in seconds!) Men are just not programmed to do two things at once and he is a terrible newspaper addict. Ho hum.

I agree, where water is concerned though you really do have to take care. Dh was sitting next to her in her paddling pool the other day and she fell over and I think he was really shocked at how helpless she was, it has made him think more carefully about it now.

I can't offer you any advice really, but BIG BIG HUGS (((()))))

[SoupDragon]

Sounds really scarey! Thank goodness your DS is fine.

Sending hugs your way!