Best friend having affair - help!

[Lennon]

Can anyone give me some advice on this tricky subject?
My best friend has been having an affiar with a married man for a year now (she is single). He had two young children and a wife who apparently does not suspect.
Whilst I am happy for her that she has fouund someone she appears to be deeply in love with ( and he with her) I feel really uncomfortable with the whole family thing that they are ignoring. Part of me thinks eeek if they've managed to keep it a secret this long - maybe that could happen to me and my DH could do the same without me knowing; part of me thinks those poor children; and part of me feels desperately sorry for the wife, and also, I am afraid to admit, a little bit cross with her for not realising (does that make sense?) On top of all this - I don't think he is a good match for my friend and wish she'd found someone else!!

Anyone had any similar experiences?

[mmm]

Why don't you print this out and show it to your friend and tell her how worried you are etc and at least that'll get a discussion going and maybe you'll be able to clear up some of the issues? ( my friend is too and it's very uncomfortable as her husband is one of my best friends)

[Lennon]

Thanks everyone for responding - especially those of you who have your own painful experiences to tell.


Yes I do feel like I'm colluding somehow and yes it would be easier if I actually liked the man and could see what she sees in him.
Think I might keep in background - but keep asking about his family situation and what his wife thinks about it all whenever the subjecy comes out.
Oh yes and by the way they all know each other -ouch!

[grommit]

I had a friend in a similar situation who was seeing a married man who had 2 kids. She absolutely idolised this man - even though friends who had met him said he was a creep. Anyway she knew what she was getting into and me pointing this out to her would just have meant us falling out. The man never did leave his wife for her and she split from him. 2 years on she is still devastated. Not easy

[WideWebWitch]

I had a friend in a situation like this (she was single, he was married with 2 kids, he'd been going to leave for 5 years, yeah right) and decided in the end I just didn't approve and ended the friendship. She was similar to Sobernow's friend, completely blind to his faults (dishonesty being the most obvious) and I was sick of hearing about it, it made me feel I was colluding and approving.

[Lindy]

I've also seen this from the other side, my DH had an affair with a young, single girl for 6 months without me knowing - I agree that the girls in these cases are being taken advantage of - they are (sorry to be blunt) offering a bit of excitement, glamour & plenty of sex - it isn't a 'real' relationship in terms of spending lots of time together, going out, meeting other people, etc etc. My DH eventually left me to live with this girl - surprise, surprise after 10 days he came crawling back, saying he had made the biggest mistake of his life, blah,blah,blah .....several years and a lot of relate counselling, and a baby (we had no children at the time) we are still together - although it isn't easy of course.

I know some married men will leave their wives & make a new start with their girlfiend, but it doesn't happen often, and what a way to start a relationship - full of lies & deceipt.

I don't feel anything for the girl in my situation both she & my DH acted like fools, but I too have a friend in the same situation now - she has been waiting for a year for her boyfriend to leave his wife (no children involved) ... he obviously won't, but she can't see that.

I know you are in a very tricky situation but I would try & spell out to your friend what the realities are.

[eidsvold]

I have been on the other side of this - my husband had an affair the whole time we were married with my best friend who was also married. I never found out until they left with each other. It was a dreadful time for her husband and myself. As you can imagine - no longer friend at all and in fact since divorce court have never seen them again. The positive thing in all of this was NO children were involved.

It must be difficult for you - you can see the other side - that is - the impact on his family. Unfortunately I am probably not the best person to ask for advice but I would be tempted to ask her if he really does love her? If he did he would leave his wife and be with her rather than having his cake and eating it too. It seems like he is using her and does not intend to leave his wife. Perhaps you could as someone else has suggested try to inject the other perspective ie. his family.

Whilst she is deeply in love with him he can't feel the same and probably deep down she knows this but part of her keeps hoping he will leave -Perhaps you could ask about the future of their relationship.

I know these are probably not the sorts of things she wants to hear but I feel she is being taken advantage of and will end up hurt in the end.

Sorry this has not been very helpful.

[crystaltips]

Probably the best approach in the circumstances.
I have a feeling she might need your support further down the line ( regardless if it turns out how she wants )

[edgarcat]

Message withdrawn

[crystaltips]

The lack of responses ( I think ) is that we don't really know what to say. I was going to say that I am glad that I am not in your shoes - but to an extent I have been. My pal had an affair recently - her DH left and they are still trying to iron things out.
I have offered support to her - only along the "I haven't deserted you as a friend" lines but WILL NOT discuss the ins and outs of her affair. a ) It's her business and b ) I don't want to get involved.
I don't envy you - just be carfeul that you don't end up covering for her.
Good Luck

[breeze]

Must be a very tricky situation to be in, on one hand she is your mate and on the other she is seeing a married man. We all know the upset that this has caused bugsy. I think it is still possible to be friends with someone and not agree with their choices (especially partners). have you told her how you felt to get it off your chest?.
You do see situations different when you are married and have kids yourself. Hope it works out for you.