Other women - feeling betrayed

Idontknowhelp · 2023-03-19 11:33:13

Been with this guy for three years. In the main we’ve had an amazing relationship, but we have some differences when it comes to boundaries. At first he pretended to have the same boundaries that I have. He a couple of times accused me of liking other people and seemed to be quite insecure. I don’t experience physical attraction unless there are much deeper feelings there, and I was and still am, all in with this guy. He seemed to need a lot of reassurance, which I willingly gave him. Then recently it came out that he has told at least 5 women since we got together that “he would like to kiss them” “he would like to go somewhere and have sex with them” he says this was reciprocating what they had said to him, not initiated by him. His reasoning was he’s attracted to lots of females and wouldn’t want someone to feel unattractive or bad about themselves, but has never expressed emotional desire, and cut them off very swiftly. To me anything non platonic is cheating, I don’t get it. I explained actually it takes nothing to say you’re flattered without expressing some mutual desire, and why would he lie to me about boundary stuff for so long. I wrote him a letter about it so we wouldnt actually fight. He said when he read it thanks for expressing my feelings but he’ll still do this moving forward. So I ended it. So then I got a message saying instead he will say they look good but not reciprocate anything they say. I was too pissed off by this point and said I doubt it’s workable between us. After a couple of days I said look, I appreciate what you’ve said and if you truly mean it then let’s move forward with trust. His response was that I attack, that he can’t take my attacks, that he’s drained and I don’t trust him so it won’t work. Right now I’m just not responding to him. To be honest I feel pissed off he lied to me for so long and has had these conversations with others and he’s acting like some kind of victim. Was I wrong to question and assert these boundaries, would others here feel just fine with their partner saying these things to others? I won’t change my boundaries but just wondered! I said in my letter that I’d fully expect no mutual expression of desire and my feelings to come first and for me to be mentioned so these women don’t think they have some hold on him, that he’s happy and in love. He said no he wouldn’t do that, he wouldn’t want to make someone feel bad. Seems off to me. So since changing his mind, am I meant to understand he doesn’t really mean he’d change his way of speaking to them, seeing as he doesn’t seem to really want to work this out? Please just give opinions on your own relationships, what are your boundaries, is it an attack for me to have been emotional about this stuff and rigid in my perspective of it? Thanks

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