I think it's over?

[MrsChipsreturns]

Dh and I have been married 8y, together for 10y and we have 2dc, 1 and 5.
Things haven't felt right since covid / lockdown 1. We have mismatched sex drives and struggle to communicate. The mental load also weighs heavily on me despite attempts to offload / chore rotas / talks etc.

We've tried for about 2y to get things back on track and things will be ok/good for 2/3 weeks and then we descend into room mate territory or resentment will build over something.

Most recent thing has been Dh's assumption that I will do/sort anything and everything and he will not even volunteer to help. We both had a day off work Friday and yet it was ofc me who got up and did the school and nursery runs even as that's what was expected. Its never even on the table that I should get to stay in bed for once.

DH doesn't understand and thinks I am "always on at him" when I try to talk to him about anything. I've stressed that if we can't talk we've got no hope and yet he will always turn "talk" into an argument or start throwing around that it's "over"

His problem is that we don't have sex and intimacy enough and I don't compliment him enough. I've tried explaining that I need to feel safe, supported and listened to for any of that to happen.

If I am ever upset or sad he will ignore me. I cried myself to sleep last night next to him and he didn't even say anything.

I just feel massively unloved and unhappy and I don't see how we can come back from this.

[OneMoreCookieMonster]

@MrsChipsreturns sadly it sounds like he doesn't respect you, your feelings or what you're saying.

I've been there. Things are so far from perfect it's laughable for me. But, he does show respect and he's the one not wanting to be intimate.

What worked for us, was temporarily putting our needs on the back-burner and focusing on the kids and their needs. It's the only way we can make it work. As we started working together things slowly got better. We no longer argue nearly as much. We've found a partnership. For now, we continue on. We were in a state of competitive parenting. Who was working harder or doing more etc. We don't do that anymore and recognise that life with small kids is hard but together we can manage it, if we share the load. Mutual respect has been working. But, as for the what we feel for each other...I try not to think about it. Love is there somewhere, It's the compromise I've made. I will not put up alpha male behaviour, disrespect or general lazy behaviour or any aggressiveness. I've stopped bitching and nagging and trust that he will do what needs to be done, even if it's not fully to my standards.

I decided what my battle ground was. The fight for intimacy and affection is long lost. It's there in its own way. Will I regret this? Maybe. Life is not the fairy tale I was hoping for but I've found my happy. If you can't and it's not going to get better, I think you need to have a long hard look at what you want. Your wants and needs should be a consideration to all of this.

I really hope that you can find your way. It's a long lonely and desolate existence otherwise.

[MrsChipsreturns]

Yeah I can't lie a holiday is the last thing I need right now.

[PennyForearm]

I think you just need a holiday

Yeah a holiday, with a 1 year old and 5 year old and a husband who doesn’t participate in any of the mental load, household chores, cleaning rota, school and nursery runs, etc, Most recent thing has been Dh's assumption that I will do/sort anything and everything and he will not even volunteer to help

Sounds like another chore for OP to add to the list.

[StopStartStop]

Awful, awful, awful.
He wants more sex, but pretends not to understand that you need to feel loved to want to have sex with him.
I don't think 'he's ok really, just be more available'. I think he's checked out of any real relationship, and you'd be mad to open your legs for sex you don't want, prostituting yourself to maintain a relationship to which he has no commitment at all.
This is you, you're writing about. A real person, with feelings. Not an automaton built for housework, childcare and sex.

[Isheabastard]

I’ve actually read somwhere recently there was a scientific study that validated the fact that women feel less attracted to their partners when their partners are not pulling their weight in the relationship. Doing chores around the house shows that they want to make their partners life easier, because they love them.

Many of the things you describe in your relationship sound like mine was. There was only one point of view allowed in the relationship, and it was his. Sometimes all I wanted him to do was just accept I had a right to a different opinion to him. If I said anything out of turn I was lambasted.

I am now divorcing and seeing a qualified therapist. My therapist has told me he is an entitled bully with narcissistic traits.

Do you feel that he thinks you are his equal in your marriage?

[Dery]

He sounds like a selfish prick who wants appreciation purely because he has a penis. However, so does every other man so it doesn’t make him remarkable or unique in any way.

Of course you don’t want sex if he leaves everything to you. Sex just becomes another chore. If you can’t discuss it with him, it looks like your relationship will peter out.

[C1N1C]

Seems to be a common theme on here... men either start off lazy and the women reach breaking point, or they get lazy over the course of the marriage. With women (based on recurring posts), sex drive declines after 40 and/or after having kids, and the man either gets whiney, moody, pushy, reverts to porn, cheats etc.

From what you've said about your situation, it seems there's blame both sides, and it's turned into this feedback loop. You feel he could do more so 'nag' him, this results in him being unhappy and feeling you're never positive... sex declines because you're not in the mood, which makes him upset, needing more positive affirmation which you won't give because he's pulling back, resulting on less contribution, which cycles back round...

Truth be told, I think this is relatively normal and a result of covid, spending a lot of time together... it's both sides being frustrated with the situation.

I think you just need a holiday! You away from the life and the housework, him away from the expectation and 'nagging'... Time together with life not getting in the way...

[MrsChipsreturns]

@OneMoreCookieMonster we have talked a lot lately, but he gets frustrated when he hears things about himself that he doesn't like and tends to get defensive and snappy or sarcastic so the conversation ends in one of us walking off (or me crying) I have tried so hard to keep it to a regular conversation not getting heated but he will roll his eyes when I speak or just sit in silence like he's being told off. I can't work with that.

Before all this we were having sex about once a week, not like it was ages Inbetween! But he says he needs more than that and he didn't feel the affection was there generally, which sometimes it wasn't. I was holding onto a lot of resentment, which is why I try now to speak up when something is bothering me.

I just feel like I don't really have any fight left?

[OneMoreCookieMonster]

Life is too short to be this unhappy.

Sex comes and goes and repeats often during long relationships. At the moment, we're in a downturn. For similar reasons. Unfortunately, I think this is all too common. But, I stay for various reasons because it's never bad enough to leave. When we're happy and working together properly it's magic.

Have you tried talking to him about it recently? What would happen if you stayed in bed and let him manage the kids? We have lay in rota (the cleaning rota doesn't always work to plan) we take it in turns every Sunday unless one of is ill and needs that extra time to rest.

[MrsChipsreturns]

@CaroleSinger I think it kind of is. I have no desire to show him affection because I don't feel any, mainly because I don't feel safe and loved by him.

[Hoolihan]

Gosh this all sounds very familiar - we were together for longer but the issues were exactly the same. I'm sorry as I know it's exhausting. We are divorcing and I'm so relieved.

[CaroleSinger]

"His problem is that we don't have sex and intimacy enough and I don't compliment him enough. I've tried explaining that I need to feel safe, supported and listened to for any of that to happen."

That almost makes it sound like a transaction that is purely conditional?

[PennyForearm]

I’m not sure you can come back from this because it takes two people to make a relationship work and from what you’ve written he doesn’t seem that arsed.

From what you’ve posted he wants you to do everything house/child related, you must never compain, never try and talk or express unhappiness otherwise it’s “over”, and you need to give him more compliments and sex.

Utterly grim. Think how lovely life could be without all this unhappiness and resentment - without him.