DH extreme reaction to my affair

[affairdilemma]

Looking for advice as am tying myself up in knots over this.

DH and I have been in the doldrums for some time, he basically completely checked out when we had kids (we have 2 under 5). Don’t want to go into it too much as it’s not the point of this thread but short version is I work ft, he has a very part time job (usually about 5 hours a week, with the odd week 2-3 times a year of more), we have full time childcare in place and I do everything for the kids. We started fighting about that, he considered it fair as he was still funding the household 50% so it was his time to do with as his pleased, we needed to split weekend load 50/50 (lots of fights about petty stuff like me going to get a haircut AND go to the gym on the weekend and him going mad because he didn’t have a break that day and me pointing out he has a break 5 days a week which he didn’t accept). Anyway I felt completely neglected and pressured in the marriage and ended up having an affair of sorts - only met 3 times and kissed but it was very intense emotionally and happened over the course of a year.

Turned out that DH had been suspicious of me for a long time and was going through my emails etc. After I came back from the third meet-up he caught me (read everything including my diary) and went MAD. He went and burnt the clothes I was wearing when I met the om, verbally threatened me (said he’d smash my face into the wall etc) and on one occasion assaulted me sexually. It went on for about 5 days and a lot happened in the middle of the night. I was frightened and on the brink of thinking about leaving, police etc when he left for a week for a well timed work trip. While he was away he visited the OM and I think threatened him (I don’t know, the OM cut all contact after that meeting and I’ve never heard from him again).

When he came back he was more normal, not as aggressive anymore. We have been working to repair our marriage over the last 6 months and he has been in individual therapy as he now acknowledges the core issues of his selfishness and neglect of me and affair being a symptom of that. (Before anyone jumps on me, OBVIOUSLY in parallel I hugely regret the affair and the hurt I have caused and have taken responsibility and am doing my own work on this.)

But I am struggling with getting past his behaviour in the immediate aftermath of discovery. He was aggressive and violent and frightening. His view is that “people do crazy things when they find out about affairs” and is dismissive of it as in his view he was in so much emotional pain he went crazy. And of course he is sorry but he puts it down to just the emotion of the immediate chaos of discovery. Which I understand. BUT. I am struggling with accepting behaviour that, in any other circumstance, would be an absolute deal breaker for me.

what do I do? I want to get over it but I feel in a real dilemma and it’s blocking us moving forward.

[quietnightmare]

@lifeturnsonadime
Hope you are ok

[lifeturnsonadime]

@quietnightmare

I'm fine, just sick to the teeth of people like you who come on these threads to minimise male violence.

[justasking111]

I struggle to call three meet ups and some kissing an affair. Sounds more like a cry for help

I remember a friend admitting something like this to her husband years ago. Again not intercourse. Her husband then raped her. It's akin to a male animal putting it's scent on a female to warn others off. Really cave man I thought

[ClearMoth]

@Rosscameasdoody

You cheated on him. I'd divorce my husband if he had a year-long emotional affair with someone and kissed them multiple times.

Where do you get that it was a year long emotional affair ? The OP said they met up three times over the course of a year and kissed. And you’ve completely ignored the DH’s behaviour, which is what drove the OP to the other man in the first place. Not saying she was right, but it was a contributing factor - she didn’t exactly have a torrid affair, it was a couple of meet ups and kissing, and suggests it was more for emotional reassurance than anything else.

"Where do you get that it was a year-long emotional affair?"

From the OP:

Anyway I felt completely neglected and pressured in the marriage and ended up having an affair of sorts - only met 3 times and kissed but it was very intense emotionally and happened over the course of a year.

Pretty clear, isn't it?

However, as the rest of my post (which you left out) made very clear, that (obviously!) doesn't make it OK to commit violent and sexual assault, which are criminal matters. And she absolutely should leave.

I said what I had to say. This marriage is dead. They don't love each other, they don't like each other, they don't trust each other. She is unfaithful, he is a violent rapist and her physical safety is at risk.

This is a highly dangerous environment to raise children in. I am not saying it is a troll, but I wish it were, because it's very upsetting to think of young children trapped in this horrendous and very dangerous situation.

[SueG60]

@007DoubleOSeven

I think you've missed the indications that her husband was at best very controlling before she kissed someone else.



It's really not difficult to see a very classic pattern of coercive control by him in their marriage before and after she kissed another man.
It's also really not hard to see how afraid she is of him and how she's blinded by her guilt, which - in this particular situation- is out of kilter with the extent of her betrayal.

Sexual assault and domestic violence are always worse than one party kissing another person and becoming emotionally close to them. I also fundamentally disagree with you view that "making someone feel shitty" is every bit as bad as abuse.

I already said she needs to get out of the relationship as it will only get worse. However, from the OP it made it sound like the abuse came in after the affair, beforehand they argued but had drifted apart. It's hard to know what things were like, there's no examples in her first paragraph of things that are totally unreasonable, sounds more like differences of opinions if anything.

lwa.org.uk/understanding-abuse/is-abusive-behaviour-a-crime/

There's plenty of abuse that is criminal, not all of it is - the above link has a list of things that are criminal offences. I was comparing the impact of an affair to some more low level abuse like name calling or just generally making someone feel bad, stuff thats unpleasant but not criminal.

Its a sliding scale, obviously not comparing it to rape or threats to kill as thats much more serious.

[WatieKatie]

OP he sounds dreadful. I don’t know why you haven’t left him before. I appreciate that it is easy for me to say.

However why on earth would stay with someone who you said sexually assaulted you? Never mind try to make up an excuse for him. I cannot fathom why you’d even contemplate a future with him.

[LilyMumsnet]

We're so sorry to hear you're going through this, OP.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged to us we like to link to our web-guides, which we hope may be helpful. If you'd like to, please do feel free to take a look at our webguide page.

Very best wishes from all at MNHQ

[merlotlover]

I'm desperately trying to find any reason the two of you should be together 🤷🏼‍♀️

[Mischance]

A man who is capable of sexual assault is not a man to bring children up with. Or indeed to live with.

You are staying because you feel guilty about your "affair" - which hardly qualifies for that name. Staying with someone out of guilt is out of order.

Do you want your children in contact with someone who is capable of sexual assault?

You are locked in a melodrama and are feeding off it. Stand back; look at this objectively; and make a logical decision.

[Phatgurlslym]

@Sussexlass84

OP - I'm so confused...why are you so keen to forgive your rapist? That's what this is.

It really isn't that unusual. When you're in an abusive relationship you start to feel that you are always the wrong one and that they are justified in treating you badly. It's really horrible. I've been there myself. I have done a lot of work on myself and my self esteem has improved, but I am still shocked and surprised when I become aware of areas where I still think very poorly of myself. You just don't notice that you're treating yourself like that. Until you notice.

[Wiluli]

I’m sorry are you able to read your post and actually believe it’s posted from a mental stable person ? Because I cannot ! You need to end your relationship and stay away from each other . You obviously don’t live him as you went elsewhere and he is mentally unstable and violent and you think living with him it’s ok ? Your kids will end up with long term damage from your choices

[quietnightmare]

@lifeturnsonadime
🙄

[MysteryBelle]

I cannot believe some people keep obsessing over the kiss and three meetings as if that justifies burning her clothes, sexually assaulting her then crying to act like the victim, continually going through her things even before the ‘affair’ happened, threatening to smash her face into the wall, etc and so forth, trying to burn more stuff, a lot of this in the middle of the night when she’s asleep. Stalking down the ‘other man’ to threaten him, who knows what. She’s a saint compared to him. He’s a nut. And I say this as someone who is very hardline when it comes to being faithful, even in the smallest things, to your spouse.

If he burned her clothes after a kiss and 3 meetings, what would he do if she left him or ‘triggered’ his unhinged rage again?

Id say same if it were a woman cutting up his clothes or burning them. That is insane and classless behavior. That kind of rage is for something like a predator harming your child, not what op did which was wrong yes, but come on.

[category12]

@MysteryBelle

I cannot believe some people keep obsessing over the kiss and three meetings as if that justifies burning her clothes, sexually assaulting her then crying to act like the victim, continually going through her things even before the ‘affair’ happened, threatening to smash her face into the wall, etc and so forth, trying to burn more stuff, a lot of this in the middle of the night when she’s asleep. Stalking down the ‘other man’ to threaten him, who knows what. She’s a saint compared to him. He’s a nut. And I say this as someone who is very hardline when it comes to being faithful, even in the smallest things, to your spouse.

If he burned her clothes after a kiss and 3 meetings, what would he do if she left him or ‘triggered’ his unhinged rage again?

Id say same if it were a woman cutting up his clothes or burning them. That is insane and classless behavior. That kind of rage is for something like a predator harming your child, not what op did which was wrong yes, but come on.

This.

[MaireadMcSweeney]

He was a shit husband before he assaulted and abused you, now he's an abusive shit husband. You shouldn't be in couples counselling with him.

[justasking111]

Back in the day 60s 70s 80s and 90s. There was a lot of hanky panky going on in the suburbs. Parties, keys in a bowl, pampas grass, between married couples. Today we're more like the victorians swinging between absolute faithfulness to your partner and the worst physical and mental abuse.

Back in the day there was more tolerance, everyone is so angry now.

[007DoubleOSeven]

If the op had posted earlier on, talking about her husband and what they were arguing about etc (as mentioned in her posts), there would have been dozens of responses querying abuse.

But she wrote the word "affair" and instead dozens of women are emotionally triggered into justifying his abhorrent crimes.

A growing emotional closeness over the course of a year is an emotional affair, sure, but that could mean they started chatting about a few personal things, being generally supportive of each other and finding the other funny (all things perfectly innocent) and not crossing the line into an actually emotional affair for several months.

But,back to what we actually know. We actually know that they met up a total of 3x and kissed on one or all of these 3 occasions.

We know that he would routinely shout at her for such things as getting her haircut and going to the gym on the same weekend.

We know that the op worked full time and her husband worked no more than approximately 5 hours per week while refusing to look after his children or do domestic activities with the additional 35 hours Monday to Friday. That alone made him a lazy, selfish arse but combined with the example of his reaction above, it is highly indicative that he was an abusive husband before the op kissed another person.

The op says that her husband had been suspicious of her for a long time and going through her emails etc. Now, this might have been for a period of months as the whole emotional affair lasted no more than 12.

However, given what else we know about her husband I would be willing to bet not only all my current assets but my future earnings from the next several years that he had a history of secretly monitoring her communications and friendships with other people.

We know that when he finally found proof she had become emotionally close to another man, seen him 3 times and kissed him he reacted with extreme violence, threats of further violence and sexual assault (possibly rape).

Quite frankly, I really struggle to see how anyone except the abusive tw*t himself can even begin to compare the op's physical indiscretion & emotional affair with what he has done and I have to wonder how these people would react if their daughters found themselves in that situation.

I have to wonder if those who are so keen to judge the op as abusive are the same people who acquit rapists in court in the face of overwhelming evidence of their guilt. I have to wonder if these are same posters who join in threads decrying the appalling abuse of male on female violence.


@affairdilemma - you asked for advice.
My advice is this: disengage from couples therapy immediately. It is never safe to be in counselling with an abuser which is what your husband is by virtue of his behaviour when he discovered your small affair if nothing else.

Take some time to read up on coercive control and look at the Refuge and Womens Aid websites. They both have quick exit buttons so you can look at them safely without your husband knowing. I urge you to reach out to Refuge or Womens Aid using their phone lines or chat facilities.

Please understand that abusers often follow a cycle and while your husband may appear to forgive you, to be "doing the work" and changing this won't last. If you don't feel you it's justified to leave him now at least learn as much as you can about domestic abuse (including coercive control) so that when he starts again you are in a position to recognise it.

He will use your affair to justify his future actions.

To most people, your affair is of the lesser variety and in no way excuses or justifies how he has treated you. There is absolutely no reason whatsoever for his reaction.

If you ever want to talk, please feel free to direct message me at anytime. You are not to blame for his behaviour. It is within you take control of you life at any point and however frightening this may seem you can do it as gradually as you need to.

You deserve better. For your sake and for your children, please find a way to leave him.

[beautifulpaintings]

@hallodarknessmyoldfriend

You have to leave.

He sexually assaulted you.

This OP, for the love of God get away from this psycho and stay away. Staying with him is utter madness.

[MolkosTeenageAngst]

He’s a violent rapist. It being the middle of the night is no excuse, what if one of your children angers him in the middle one night and he violently assaults them?

An affair is not illegal. Rape and physical assault are. Report him to the police and get yourself and your children as far away from him as possible before he hurts one of you again.

[Rosscameasdoody]

@Prestwickmermaid

Am with @purpledalmation and @RandomMess : at the centre of this you will both need to forgive each other for very hard things to have a chance of moving on. And own your behaviour

And that he has to own his behaviour fully. Sounds like he is owning some of the previous behaviour. Great, but what about those 5 days of much very extreme? Not at all unusual for those betrayed in affairs to snoop at all - that's how suspecxted affairs get found out every day. But some kind of assault is obviously horrible and can never be repeated

Have you spent real time in therapy session talking about the details and how you were terrified and how he behaved? Exactly what you and he did? And whether he understand how bad it is and is contrite and has learned anything? Sounds painful to do but utterly necessary to understand

This is just nonsense. The OP kissed another man a couple of times over the course of a year. Her DH basically raped her when he found out. You think this is proportionate ? And, as has been pointed out numerous times here, no ethical therapist would attempt to counsel couples where there has been abuse. Which is what this is.

[Rosscameasdoody]

@SueG60

Of course it is, it really hurts the other person, its mentally abusive. Obviously there's no crime being committed with it but you can't play down the impact that could have on someone.

Obviously the OP’s husband feels the same because he felt perfectly justified in raping her when he found out. How much impact do you think that has on a person ?

[Rosscameasdoody]

@Eyerollcentral

Even normally sane people do mad things when they are confronted with their spouses betrayal - how about the trope about a woman cutting up all her husband’s suits? There was a footballer chucking belongings out a window on social media a couple of weeks ago. There’s no excuse for frightening someone. I’m not going to comment on the sexual assault as it’s too complex for people here to get their heads round it. However I know myself I, a totally sane person, seriously contemplated putting a brick through my cheating ex’s prized car front windscreen and letting down his tyres. I didn’t do it but tbh it was a 50/50. I genuinely would never even think of those kind of things, it just is not me. There is no excusing bad behaviour at all. You don’t seem to have really accepted how shocking this news is to the person who has been betrayed though.

She didn’t have sex with this man. She met up with him three times over the course of a year and they kissed. I would say the OP’s DH’s behaviour played a part in driving her to the OM, so he’s not blameless, and you are taking the same stance as he did in that ‘people do crazy things when they find out about affairs’. Are you really asking the OP to accept that the news of the ‘affair’ was shocking enough for him to warrant him raping her ? And the sexual assault is the whole point - there’s nothing too ‘complex’ about it that we don’t all know what happened. He lost his shit and raped her. He’s shown her what he’s capable of and she needs to get away from him, not be gaslighted into thinking she’s betrayed him and deserved the consequences.

[2Bornot]

After all of that it’s not possible for you to respect him, fancy him, or feel safe around him.

So the only question is, how long are you going to pretend to be “trying to fix it” when the truth is, it’s not fixable?

[justasking111]

As someone else said he's been stalking her forever because he knew his Bloody awful behaviour would eventually drive her away. Self fulfilling prophecy

[Eyerollcentral]

@Rosscameasdoody

She didn’t have sex with this man. She met up with him three times over the course of a year and they kissed. I would say the OP’s DH’s behaviour played a part in driving her to the OM, so he’s not blameless, and you are taking the same stance as he did in that ‘people do crazy things when they find out about affairs’. Are you really asking the OP to accept that the news of the ‘affair’ was shocking enough for him to warrant him raping her ? And the sexual assault is the whole point - there’s nothing too ‘complex’ about it that we don’t all know what happened. He lost his shit and raped her. He’s shown her what he’s capable of and she needs to get away from him, not be gaslighted into thinking she’s betrayed him and deserved the consequences.

It’s still a betrayal of trust. I’ve already said nothing excuses bad behaviour. I don’t think it’s appropriate to throw terms around like rape on this forum not least of all because unless I have missed it the OP hasn’t used that term. You are putting words in to my mouth here and conflating issues.