Narcs everywhere

[Nonarczone84]

So as if coming to terms with being in a relationship with a covert narc wasn't bad enough, it's since highlighted for me that my own mother is a covert narc and possibly other family members fit the bill too. Certainly explains a lot... only my whole life!!!

[Beezar]

With my H, I'm opting for the fact he has not emotional intelligence. Like none. It's more accurate than making a sweeping statement such as that he's a narc.

All of our problems spark from that. His anger issues, his lack of empathy, his low self esteem etc etc.

When I look back, it becomes clear that our marriage has always been a constant battle because of it and everything that has happened is symptomatic of it.

H can only really operate on a superficial basis. But looking back I really do think both of us did our best under the circumstances.

But, yes, I am happy to settle on the fact that I was always going to have it hard because my H is and will always be emotionally deficient.

[TammyJones]

@Beezar
I'm trying to work this out too with a friend'
I do believe we teach people how to treat us - our lack of boundaries and the way women are 'conditioned' ti be care givers.
Labelling someone a Narc or just a aggressive / obnoxious / selfish so and so , make no difference at the end of the day.
If someone is not showing you common decency and respect - smile - walk away and live your best life, bring your Best self.

[Beezar]

I really want to decide whether or not he intentionally created the environment he did for his benefit - as in manipulation - or that he did it in ignorance and due to his shitty personality.

One deserves pity (shitty personality as in you are born with it) and the other deserves scorn (because it was done to me on purpose).

[Catsafterme]

You have to keep in mind that there's a difference between someone with narcissistic tendencies than someone with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Everyone has narcissistic tendencies, some more than others and NPD is apparently rare but who knows as they are perfect so...

Narcissism seems to be a buzz topic, it is literally everywhere and I think people are confusing selfish, manipulative people with narcissists as a lot as it kind of crosses over.

In my case, I suspect I was with a covert narcissist as in full NPD because their history, behavior and the abuse fits the Narcissistic Abuse Cycle perfectly, as does my health as a result. Even then I cannot say for sure as they are not diagnosed, however third parties are noticing it, they are losing control of themselves at the moment.

All I will say is, and there may be others who have maybe experienced what I have, that it is beyond that of a normal person. It is living with someone who is quite literally insane, they are not well.

Highly emotionally and psychologically abusive and very manipulative with rage that goes into physical. They are not ticking on the same level, nor do they interpret the world the same or see people as individuals. They are batshit crazy, they are intelligent but at the same time they are delusional.

It is Jekyll and Hyde, one is nice and highly intelligent able to fool everyone and the other is sick and twisted, insane and unintelligent. That's what I have found anyway.

[Beezar]

He has very low self esteem, which means he doesn't necessarily have a grandiose opinion of himself or is particularly driven by (material/professional) power and success.

His ego relies on being socially popular and being the best looking/most fun and outragous person at the party.

A bit of a peacock.

When the party is over, he's back being distant.

That's all there is to him really. He then just goes about his business in his usual distant way and fails to relate to or meet the emotional and intellectual needs of his wife in any meaningful way.

[Beezar]

@CurlewKate

It's also important to remember that people can be dickheads without pathology!

I appreciate that. However, it'd help me immensly if I could run past some of the person's traits to help decide if my H shows signs of dick-headedness or narcisism.

It may influence how I respond to him and try to cope with him during a separation.

Negative traits:

Superficial
No empathy
Vain
Aggressive when challenged
Dismissive of others needs
Craves attention and validation
Struggles to form meaningful 1-2-1 relationships
Distant
Often emotional in arguments - for instance if I cry during an argument he will also start and cry more so I then comfort him).

Good traits:

Dependable/reliable
Low maintenance
Sociable
Practical

What do you think?

[CurlewKate]

It's also important to remember that people can be dickheads without pathology!

[artandtalk]

Pick the one which seems most relevant to what's happening to you - that's how I began!

[Beezar]

@artandtalk

Try the In Sight podcast - it’s the best description and understanding of narc behaviour I have ever found

Is there a specific podcast I should listen to first or just start at the first and do in order?

[Beezar]

Thank you!

[artandtalk]

Try the In Sight podcast - it’s the best description and understanding of narc behaviour I have ever found

[Beezar]

Can we reignite this thread? I want to benefit from your expertise. I am surrounded by narcs too, I think. How can I know for sure?? How do you spot one? I gave at least four in my life. DM, ExH, two ‘friends’.

[JambalayaOrGumbo]

It's amazing how text book they all are, once you know what you're looking at - all ticking the boxes for the same narc behaviour

[Nonarczone84]

When I started to read about narc abuse I wondered how they knew my partner, he was so textbook. Good for you that you got out, many never do. I had to for the sake of my child while they're still young. The problem was never us, ignoring them is the best thing you can do from now on. Once you see it you can't unsee it!

[Another2022]

I completely agree, it’s mad when you’ve had your eyes open. I’m over a year out of a marriage with a narc and I’ve gradually realised she’s textbook. Once I realised it wasn’t me being the ‘bad’ one (usual narc relationship issues, again textbook stuff) and I’m actually fairly normal I can spot them a mile off.

I now just shake my head at their nonsense, kill them with kindness and get on with my life!

[Nonarczone84]

Absolutely @Watchkeys, they can't hide from me any more! They've done me a massive favour because I will never fall for their nonsense again and they will see what boundaries actually mean for the first time! Cheers to that! 😅🍷

[Watchkeys]

The enormous value in all this is that you can spot them a mile off, now, and turn your back immediately when you see or sense trouble.

You will never again enter a relationship that is destructive to you. You are the one who is in charge, now, and no more narcs will come into your life, because you won't except them. Great chapter to put to an end, isn't it?

[Nonarczone84]

I think so too, for the longest time I thought I was the problem. Then when I researched the tactics of my ex partner, I realised my mother has used the same toolkit to sabotage and control my whole life also. The triangulation, gaslighting, sense of entitlement, not respecting boundaries etc they're all there. A lot to get my head round. My mother is currently harassing and contacting my friends behind my back pretending it is out of concern for me but really to try and regain control. She will only help me if someone is there to see her doting mother routine or might hear about it. My ex partner was horrible but so is mother and other family members. I hate narcs, they are so destructive

[Choconut]

I think it's probably quite common, it's where you learn that their behaviour is normal.