NC with mum and her husband, she now sees my dc with the help of abusive ex

WorkshyHorsefly · 2022-08-07 10:00:20

I'm stewing over this today. I went NC with my mum after leaving my violently abusive ex - as with many women who leave abusive partners, it quickly became clear that my extended family and even some friendships were cut from the same cloth, and I had to leave quite a few people behind to stay safe and sane. I’ve become a grand master at grey rock. In the process, my mum and her husband allied with the ex, lied to social workers about my mental health and behaviour in order to gain access to my children (thankfully the social worker sided with me and saw the dysfunctional dynamics very clearly, so it didnt work) sent threats to me, and even tried to get me fired from my job (also didnt work, thankfully). It's been harrowing, to say the least. Family court concluded a few months ago, and the drama has died down, although the ex still pushes boundaries here and there, he mostly backs down when I say no. Recently the dc went on holiday with their dad, his wife, and her (adult) children, and when my dc came home, they told me they met up with my mum and her husband, to celebrate her birthday. Dc are 12, 8 and 5. The meal was all planned well in advance, but dc weren't told until a few hours before the event. 12yo and 8yo were vaguely aware of my reasons for not speaking to my mum, but weren't allowed to say no to the meal, of course. They were told there are two sides to every story. Bah. I've debriefed the situation with 12yo, and she is starting to understand that she was put into a difficult and uncomfortable situation simply to massage the ego of the adults in the room (my mum once threatened to take me to court to assert her rights as a grandparent to see her grandchildren, she has clearly changed tack and is simply gaining access via the man who beat me instead). My mum hasn't seen my children in several years, so it was a strange experience for my 12yo who felt forced to play nice and accept the situation despite her discomfort throughout. My 8yo is autistic and sees the world in very black and white terms, she bluntly asked my mum why she tried to get me fired from my job, and my mum lied and said she would never do such a thing. Of course. But now I have a child who is incredibly confused - she trusts her father and what he says to her, and all the adults in that room used her innocent trust in order to play happy families with my children. I'm furious, of course, but I have remained grey rock with the lot of them because I feel its the best course of action for now. They are small minded pathetic people, who manipulate children for their own sense of power and control, to shore up their frail egos. But maybe I'm missing something. Is there anything else I can do apart from teach my dc (in age appropriate ways) that adults sometimes lie, and that their personal boundaries shouldn't be breached and that if they feel uncomfortable or unsafe in a situation they can call on me for support or a way out? I hate how fucked up this all is, but at this time I think if I react in any way to show my upset or anger, it will merely feed these atrocious people and encourage further visits that I will have no awareness of until after the fact. As it stands, I don't think there will be any more visits with "grandma" for a while, maybe Christmas at the earliest. But I could be wrong of course. Not sure what to do, if anything.

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Hi all - OP has had second thoughts about posting this thread and we've agreed to take it down.