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Bollocked my friend tonight
86

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 06/08/2022 02:12

I've posted about this friend before. Long story short, constantly 'meeting' men on Facebook groups which then moves to WhatsApp, Messenger and occasional phone calls. None of them ever meet her.

Asked me last week if I thought she was an attention seeker and I told her the truth. She said she just wants to be loved, and I told her she wouldn't find that with the random, really vile, losers she is communicating with. Married men, ugly as sin, overweight, gruesome, really really sad individuals. All of them are married/unavailable/something wrong somewhere. Horrible individuals.

Tonight I learned she's still doing it, one married guy whose wife found out is still messaging her sending horrible naked photos and she's reciprocating. Another one she's asking if his balls are tight yet and if he's had a wank and that her nips are pointy. I told her exactly what I thought, if this is "being loved" then God help her if she's ever abused, and she burst into tears. She can't help herself. I've lost patience.

Gone too far haven't I? I'm asking myself if I am a hypocrite to remain friends with her when I hate all this so much.

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ShirleyJackson · 06/08/2022 02:13

I think you sound like a true friend, actually.

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Opentooffers · 06/08/2022 02:36

Erm, well yes she burst into tears, you most likely hit a nerve. How well do you know her life history? Given what she's up to, I'd say she most probably has already suffered abuse of some sort, otherwise she would not have such a scewed way of being. Maybe you don't know her as well as you think, there's a reason why she does it, it will be a sad one.

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Coyoacan · 06/08/2022 02:37

Are you certain she hasn't been abused? Poor woman

I knew someone a bit like that, years ago. I travelled with her for a couple of days when I was hitching through Canada, but I thought she was lovely. The only problem was that she would sleep with the truck driver who gave us a lift and not understand that he didn't see this as the romance of the century. I don't know why she was like that but it was so sad

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TheUnexpectedPickle · 06/08/2022 02:39

My mum (yep. Mum.) Was like this for a bit after she split with my dad. I cam see she was just lonely and wanted attention- but she had no self respect at all. It was very frustrating.

She's stopped now but my god it was a trying few years.

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Opentooffers · 06/08/2022 02:41

She has issues, the men she contacts defo have issues, somehow I have more sympathy for her, why do you have none? She's not hurting you, just herself.

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ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 06/08/2022 02:43

Opentooffers · 06/08/2022 02:36

Erm, well yes she burst into tears, you most likely hit a nerve. How well do you know her life history? Given what she's up to, I'd say she most probably has already suffered abuse of some sort, otherwise she would not have such a scewed way of being. Maybe you don't know her as well as you think, there's a reason why she does it, it will be a sad one.

I've known her since school, I know her well and she's shared a lot. She had a gaslighting partner, but he didn't abuse her physically, though he did financially. The one prior to that was emotionally distant, made decisions without her, but again no violence. I saw a message where she told one of these losers that she tied her partner to the bed with her dressing gown belt, but if it's true or not I don't know.

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ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 06/08/2022 02:44

TheUnexpectedPickle · 06/08/2022 02:39

My mum (yep. Mum.) Was like this for a bit after she split with my dad. I cam see she was just lonely and wanted attention- but she had no self respect at all. It was very frustrating.

She's stopped now but my god it was a trying few years.

How did you handle it? Did she have counselling or anything?

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HelloBunny · 06/08/2022 02:48

It’s mad what folk will send online / o the phone, that they wouldn’t do IRL. Does she ever meet any of these fellas?

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ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 06/08/2022 02:50

HelloBunny · 06/08/2022 02:48

It’s mad what folk will send online / o the phone, that they wouldn’t do IRL. Does she ever meet any of these fellas?

No, never. They future fake and she gets very upset. One of them didn't, but she barraged him with messages when he didn't reply immediately leading to him threatening with the police - she went way over the top with that.

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ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 06/08/2022 02:52

Opentooffers · 06/08/2022 02:41

She has issues, the men she contacts defo have issues, somehow I have more sympathy for her, why do you have none? She's not hurting you, just herself.

Why do I have none? She's done this for almost two years now, same outcome every time, knows she is making an absolute fool of herself, yet continues. Sympathy and patience runs out when she begs for advice and constantly does the opposite.

And I totally disagree with your assertion that she is not hurting me. I have to witness the fallout and hell she is going through. Do you think it doesn't hurt to see my friend destroying herself in this way?

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easylisten · 06/08/2022 08:56

Sounds like she's try to fill a void by looking for love in all the wrong places.

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ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 06/08/2022 09:37

In the past she's told me it's all a bit of fun. Revising my opinion a bit I think she's just a feminine one of those dick pic blokes looking for wank fodder.

This is way out of my own moral views. If I met her now I'd not entertain her as a friend knowing this but she's a very old friend.

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Luredbyapomegranate · 06/08/2022 11:06

i am sorry your friend is treating herself in this way. Your response is odd and over invested though, what is her behaviour be bringing up for you?

A few hard truths can be useful, but beyond that a normal response would be to let her get on with it, setting boundaries as to what you will put up with in terms of her downloading, and stepping back if she has trouble sticking to them.

Presumably you were never friends with her because of her sexual habits, so I am not sure why you would end a friendship over them. There is no logic behind your suggestion that remaining friends with her is hypocritical, her sex life is outside of your relationship, if you don't want to hear about it, say so.

I would look to yourself to discover why you are so angry about this, not her.

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Aly2577 · 06/08/2022 11:22

Luredbyapomegranate · 06/08/2022 11:06

i am sorry your friend is treating herself in this way. Your response is odd and over invested though, what is her behaviour be bringing up for you?

A few hard truths can be useful, but beyond that a normal response would be to let her get on with it, setting boundaries as to what you will put up with in terms of her downloading, and stepping back if she has trouble sticking to them.

Presumably you were never friends with her because of her sexual habits, so I am not sure why you would end a friendship over them. There is no logic behind your suggestion that remaining friends with her is hypocritical, her sex life is outside of your relationship, if you don't want to hear about it, say so.

I would look to yourself to discover why you are so angry about this, not her.

This

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ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 06/08/2022 11:35

@Luredbyapomegranate I don't understand what you mean by what's it bringing up for me. I've never indulged in this sort of stuff or been abused and if anyone tried it'd be shut down immediately. So the answer is nothing.

Overinvested? I don't know what to say. She's being laughed at by these guys and they think she's a fool but she can't see it.

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PeekabooAtTheZoo · 06/08/2022 11:40

I used to know one of these. Frustrating as all hell and "off" in other ways so we ended up going our separate ways. From what I understood of her past, she was brought up by a distant father and a narcissistic mother, and was constantly trying to find herself in other people.
Last I heard she'd fallen for another online scam sending some random man money and then when her parents refused to bail her out this time, she joined an MLM. She was in her forties by then.

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napody · 06/08/2022 11:40

Luredbyapomegranate · 06/08/2022 11:06

i am sorry your friend is treating herself in this way. Your response is odd and over invested though, what is her behaviour be bringing up for you?

A few hard truths can be useful, but beyond that a normal response would be to let her get on with it, setting boundaries as to what you will put up with in terms of her downloading, and stepping back if she has trouble sticking to them.

Presumably you were never friends with her because of her sexual habits, so I am not sure why you would end a friendship over them. There is no logic behind your suggestion that remaining friends with her is hypocritical, her sex life is outside of your relationship, if you don't want to hear about it, say so.

I would look to yourself to discover why you are so angry about this, not her.

Well put. Honestly I can't imagine reading my friend's sexts, never mind typing them out on a public forum. Odd behaviour on your part.

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Dotcheck · 06/08/2022 11:42

OP
What sort of childhood did your friend have? Healthy? Happy?

Everyone has struggles. Most people grapple with their self worth in some way. Clearly your friend’s issues run deep.
If you were a ‘true’ friend, as suggested above, I think you would have suggested counselling- perhaps asked why she feels she deserves scraps of attention.

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OriginalUsername2 · 06/08/2022 11:46

Had a similar friend but she met every one of them. Would spend hours advising her and listening to her dramas then she would do whatever she wanted anyway. For many many years. Cut contact when she got pregnant. I knew it would all carry on with a little baby girl there and could not be a supporter of that. Friends have confirmed it has continued- it’s all documented on her Facebook. Really sad.

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FAQs · 06/08/2022 11:50

I’d probably distance myself, it’s actually really draining being the friend in this situation, I’ve had one similar, hardly talk now because supporting her was pulling me down, she won’t see it so it’ll end up more of a drain on you than her. I know you’re worried but you’ve been honest with her, what more can you do, nothing.

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offthegrid328 · 06/08/2022 11:57

I went through something very similar with a long standing friend. Supported her through an abusive relationship, then when they finally split up she reacted very badly and started exhibiting the sorts of behaviours you're describing. It was exhausting and draining for me to listen to (we are in our 40s). I, too, felt as though I was going against my own moral compass by turning a blind eye to the fact that she was engaging with married men. Yes she was in a bad place herself, and yes, the men were primarily the ones responsible for instigating these liaisons, but I didn't think that that gave her the right to be instrumental in destroying another womens' marriages.

At first I tried to support her, but when she didn't like what I had to say about her behaviour she accused me of being judgemental. In the end I totally backed off and we are no longer friends.

Whilst I understand the posters who are asking why does this bother you, it doesn't affect you etc. In reality it just doesn't work like that in very close, intimate friendships. It's literally ALL my old friend wanted to talk about as it was all she had going on in her life. I will always love her but I had to move on. She was on self- destruct and didn't want to take any responsibility for her part in her problems.

I'm sorry your friend is in such a bad place but it sounds like she needs professional help. Sadly, you won't be able to fix her. It might be time to put your own boundaries in place and let her get on with it. Perhaps, in time, she'll come back to you when she's sorted herself out. I hope my old friend will one day.

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ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 06/08/2022 12:01

Dotcheck · 06/08/2022 11:42

OP
What sort of childhood did your friend have? Healthy? Happy?

Everyone has struggles. Most people grapple with their self worth in some way. Clearly your friend’s issues run deep.
If you were a ‘true’ friend, as suggested above, I think you would have suggested counselling- perhaps asked why she feels she deserves scraps of attention.

I have suggested counselling. As a result she's had 30 sessions and nothing changed. I'm not sure she's told the counsellor all this though. Just about her past relationships and passivity within them and her anger with herself.

I've also asked her about the scraps. She doesn't know.

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Ralowi · 06/08/2022 12:18

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

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ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 06/08/2022 12:20

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

Wrong thread I think!

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Vainandjustrealised · 06/08/2022 13:12

You sound like an incredible friend

My sister had this with a friend - she was inviting all sorts of strange men over to the house as first meets (she had kids) taking pictures and selling then on onlyfans, making tiktoks etc

My sister continued to support her with meeting someone as she felt she was very vulnearble - she drew the line when strangers from tinder were coming to her house at night when the kids were there and told her in no uncertain terms how dangerous it was. She stopped doing this but continues with the facebook and dating app antics.

No real way to support her other than continue with a bit of tough love, patience and kindness. And if there are safety concerns clearly raise them. Until she wakes up and realises the pattern on her own there wont be much more you can do.

Continue being an amazing friend 💐

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