I think I am the “other woman” , help

Nic9485938 · 2022-05-24 22:03:00

For 5/6 months I’ve been in a relationship with a 34 year old man I met on a dating app. Before we met he told me he was divorced, having split up from his wife 18 months prior. He said he ended it (they’d been married for 6 years) as he had fallen out of love with her although later opened up that she also was told she was infertile which was hard for them as a couple. He said this led to her being “mentally unstable” and that she did not cope well with the marriage ending but had since got better. For the first few months, things were going very well but I did notice some strange things: he often re arranged dates at quite short notice it was nearly unheard of that we would meet in the evening, or on a weekend he would decline calls when I called him unless he was driving he wouldn’t invite me to his because his brother (who was going through a messy break up) had moved in he has never introduced me to his friends he has only stayed over my house 3 times but there were also good things: we text CONSTANTLY. I’m talking all day and having to peel ourselves away from each other’s phones to get any work done. This included texting every night until the early hours very regularly lots of good variety of dates, lots of which have been in public we didn’t have sex until nearly 3 months in which was mainly his decision as he said he preferred to establish a strong emotional connection before sex he has planned a lot for us this summer (although has yet to be seen if he really does this, I suppose) A few weeks ago, he surprised me by telling me he’d been up all night because his ex wife had turned up and threatened to kill herself because she’d seen him with me the day before in his car. He said this resulted in him calling her parents and getting mental health services involved with her. He said he was sorry he’d deceived me but that he had still been in contact with her since their divorce as he has been worried about her mental health ever since. He said he couldn’t ever envisage cutting her off totally because they were together for so long and he feels responsible for her current state. Even so, my gut told me something was off about it all. So a few days later I went snooping in a very big way. With great difficulty, I eventually managed to find his social media profiles (even though he told me he had none). Unfortunately they are very private however he’d changed his cover photo a few days after this incident and I saw his “ex wife” had liked it? Not only that but he had liked photo of her recently, and her surname her married name. He’d also changed his profile pictures at the same time/date that he told me he was out clubbing with friends which I found weird, who does that in a club? I then found my bfs brother on Facebook which was an eye opener as his profile is public, his brother was clearly still with his ex and still living with her! They had been on a family holiday in April which was the exact same time that my bf cancelled a date night on me because his brother was having a particularly hard time and they went to the pub? I have never been to my bfs house as he always fobs me off with excuses. Sadly that’s not even it. My bf has lied about his job. He’s told me the right profession, but completely different company in a totally different location. I actually did check this out with my bf the other day by asking him innocently but once again he gave me incorrect info. I’d be here all day explaining how I know this but trust me it’s 100% true due to someone I know. My bf has even gone for a promotion last week (for a job which involves moving across the country!) which I knew nothing about. I feel like my world has come shattering down around me. Given all the evidence I feel like I must be the other woman and he must still be with his ex wife? The only thing I can’t wrap my head around is the volume we text and are texting and the fact he’s stayed over a few times etc. also we’ve been on some quite public dates near where we both live, and he’s very clearly been on dating apps with no attempts to conceal his identity? At the moment, he is on a work trip abroad. He has called, FaceTimed and voice noted me all day every day so is clearly alone, but I find it odd because I don’t usually get this type of contact from him, usually it’s texting. Unfortunately he has another 3 weeks before he is back and I’m sick to death of putting on a brave face every day. I don’t want to ruin his work trip so I don’t want to do this over the phone but waiting for him to come home is truly agonising. Am I the other woman? How would you all handle this? Do I block him and disappear? Do I call him out now? Do I wait till he’s home? Do I message his wife? Am I overreacting to it all? Either way I think this relationship is dead in the water but I’m curious to see peoples opinions as I’m a bit embarrassed to tell my friends :(

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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OP was grateful for all the advice she received here. She asked us to delete this thread as she was concerned about being outed and this having repercussions IRL.